| abstract
| - Vaxasom is a sickly, light green colored ( The color they usually paint grade school hallways with ) suppository made by Prescott Pharmaceuticals that smells vaguely of chicken cartilage, burned cocoa mix and red lifesavers. Vaxasom is hestitantly endorsed by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert (D.F.A.). Vaxasom is the first natural, industrially created, non-stimulant based medication made specifically to induce protracted insomnia on the market to be taken rectally. One pill inserted before bed is equal to six days without sleep minus the patchy beard growth due to the "futility of it all" associated with naturally occurring insomnia. Effects include: Restlessness, Irritability, Priapisms, Involved conversations with the ghostly apparitions of deceased family members that, apparently, have nothing better to do than voice their disappointment with the way your life has turned out, Increased fascination with Infomercials, Irrational hatred of the sun and rested people. Adverse effects include: Dry, blood-shot eyes, Golf ball sized occular concretions, Auditory, visual, tactile and temporal hallucinations, Constant desire to drink unhealthy amounts of cooking sherry and Murphy's Oil Soap straight from the bottle while wearing nothing but your wife's bathrobe and thirty year old, irregular 'Garfield' slippers, Decreased attention to personal hygiene until you smell like dumpster from a paper mill located near a sulfur mine, Concentrated urinations similar in consistancy to room temperature molassas, Slap happy giggle fits, Psychiatric commitment trials, Irrational feelings of persecution, Justified feelings of persecution, Persecuted feelings of justification, Spontaneous weeping during 'Puppy Chow' and retirement insurance commercials, Severe rectal irritation and Anal hemorrhaging. Warning: Vaxasom comes crafted in the form of a bike chain encased within a egg shell thin, glass Christmas ornament. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any abdominal evisceration due to stress clenching and/or over enthusiastic copulation. The suppository form of the drug was introduced as a means of detering the unintended use of Vaxasom after the pill form was taken off the market due to reports of abuse involving teenagers and college students who had, apparently, been taking the drug on a dare or as the consequence of late night drinking games ( On a side note: the rumors that 11 year old Jimmy Yonkers, after taking the drug for a record three months, in the last few days under the influence of Vaxasom, developed Omega Class Telekinesis like in the Anime movie, "Akira", and literally transmutated the entire city of Altoona, PA and it's inhabitants into the semi-solid, gelatinous substance Gummy Bears are made from is categorically untrue. The city and it's surrounding suburbs were actually turned into millions upon millions of gallons of Fluffer-Nutter, the tasty, marshmallow based sandwich spread, and lacking the denser consistency of Gummy Bears, collapsed in on itself, fatally drowning young Mr. Yonkers. Whether his acquiring of this God-like ability was a side effect of the elongated and unintended use and abuse of Vaxasom or from some other unrelated cause, such as a possible latent mutant attribute from all the inbreeding in and around the Appalachian Mountain chain, has not yet been verified since they are still attempting to dig out his corpse. Reports from the retrieval crew have confirmed that progress is slow going and "sticky". Also, it has not yet been determined if the outbreak in diabetes in the the varied species of woodland creatures around Altoona has anything to do with this incident. If Jimmy's telekinetic abilities are ever judged to be the result of his ingesting Vaxasom like Altoids during a garlic harvest for those three months, Prescott Pharmacueticals will, in all likelyhood, be brutally sued out of existence to the point where all it's executive employees will also, most likely, die of anal hemmoraging as well, but, gosh, wouldn't we deserve it...? Actually, NO. If some kid decides to eat a whole box of chocolate flavored laxatives and has to spend the next week chained to a toilet pooping himself inside out, well, thats his fault. He didn't read the box. I don't care if he's six, he should have gotten mommy or daddy to explain the warnings before he ate the equivalent of a super model convention's worth of sugary Ex-Lax. Maybe after spending the next few months soiling himself with out giving his body permission to or even realizing he's doing it, he'll think twice before enjoying his next chocolatey treat, especially if it has a picture of a steaming stool sample on the box...). Directions for anal insertion: For a normal sized adult in the U.S. ( Roughly an average 250 pounds or so ), ingest roughly one half liter of single malt scotch, generously lubricate rectal area with whatever is lying around (Motor oil, WD-40, Mayonnaise, ETC.), call a friend you feel really comfortable around or some one you went to camp with as a kid (Generously bribing a neighbor is also a possible alternative), tie suppository to the end of a stick (Length of stick is at the discretion of your friend and how comfortable he/she is with YOU, ten to twenty feet being the average reported length) and assume the position. After insertion is completed, eye contact with friend is not recommended for at least a month at which point vague head nods as you pass each other in the street should be the maximum level of communication between each party for the remainder of the year. Relationships with compensated neighbors should be considered unsalvagable and may involve familial relocation. Self-insertion is not recommended since our initial drug trial involved a LOT of Band-Aids. Around the third or fourth day, paranoid delusions are not uncommon, but we assure you that your dog is not slowly poisoning you via your Ovaltine every morning due to heated arguments involving America's rejection of the metric system. We talked with him and he has nothing but consistent, confirmable alibis. Your cat, on the other hand, is hiding something. Although Vaxasom is not a stimulant, the mixing of this medication with any stimulant, even caffeine, is strongly discouraged due to a synergistic effect that may cause the molecules that make up your coporeal form to vibrate at such speeds that you may disappear from this dimension of space/time. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any dimensional dislocation due to use of this product. Taking Vaxasom is not recommended for more than two weeks, but thats a blind guess since no one, aside from one giant headed boy, has ever survived past 10 days due to massive, rectal blood loss or frenzied, sociopathic rampages culminating with the inevitable fatal police shoot out. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is also not responsible for any bullet wounds, personal, external or imaginary, resulting from the use of this product. Clearing of calendar is recommended. May cause divorce, unemployment and visits from Child Protective Services. Image:StephenHead1.png Image:GetColbertFamily.jpg Vaxasomneeds to be ColbertizedPlease watch and take notes fromthe correct episode of The Colbert Report to get it right!
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