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| - Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis tend to play it safe. You are well suited to such occupations as mindless drone, middle management, panhandler, manure research scientist, and palindrome. It is a little known fact that there are no Danish Geminis. Children generally don't like you, so you probably shouldn't procreate. Famous Geminis in history include Liberace, Idiocrates, the Mona Lisa, Mister Rogers, Queen Latifah, Larry Craig, Roger Moore, Mary Baker Eddy, the Ganges, Bob Dole and Ignatius of Loyola.
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| abstract
| - Your birthday this week: Gemini! Geminis tend to play it safe. You are well suited to such occupations as mindless drone, middle management, panhandler, manure research scientist, and palindrome. It is a little known fact that there are no Danish Geminis. Children generally don't like you, so you probably shouldn't procreate. Famous Geminis in history include Liberace, Idiocrates, the Mona Lisa, Mister Rogers, Queen Latifah, Larry Craig, Roger Moore, Mary Baker Eddy, the Ganges, Bob Dole and Ignatius of Loyola.
* Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Practicing Muslim and Jewish Geminis should avoid travel to countries with arsenals that include crab cannons and Bat fuck howitzers this week. Take up smoking cigarettes. Your skin is crawling.
* Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - There'll be mandatory drug screening at work, probably on Thursday. A chain e-mail will be in your Inbox; pass it along or risk spiders eating your spleen from the inside. You may be living in the wrong hemisphere.
* Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The voices in your head are real, actual demons. That's pretty much the whole story.
* Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Avoid beaches and mountains this weekend. In an ironic twist of astronomy and astrology, a meteor shower will devastate your town. For some reason, you make sheep nervous.
* Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Be careful sexting to strangers and Communist party officials, they do not have your best interest in mind. The latter have no sense of humor either. You will be mocked by chubby people throwing squid.
* Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You have untapped super powers. Use them wisely and keep them a secret. The world hates mutants, and if discovered, you will certainly be hunted down and killed.
* Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This is a good time to take up painting or serial killing. Sagging breasts are the least of your problems. Contracting gonorrhea could work in your favor.
* Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Invest heavily in soaps and deodorants. Don't eat anything prepared by a guy Micheal Ontkean. Take up golf, you'll look good in the clothes. Push "Press" to pull.
* Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Guys, pretending to be Italian is not working for you, the ladies still hate you. Ladies, pretending to be a lesbian won't get that douche off your back. Try spraying mace up his nose. Still working on that symphony? Don't waste your time.
* Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Clean the gutters of dead animals, or you'll have bad luck. Always stretch before running, or weasels will consume your sphincter. In short, animals are in your future.
* Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Students, you can take it easy this week. You'll have good weather for hot, loud, late evening cat sex. It's time to start drinking the cheap stuff; you're getting laid off.
* Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Get a better class of friends. The emergency room staff are tired of yanking objects out of your ass. Your suspicions are correct, everybody is laughing at you.
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