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| - With a groan that comes from having overdosed on my special meds the night before, I manage to pull myself into a sitting position amongst the smelling-of-fetid-cheese rags that serve as my bedsheets. Looking around the cell in which I've spent the last five years of my life I suddenly explode in a fit of whicked, maniacal laughter- only to stop abruptly when I notice a new and shiny object at the base of my cell door. Could it be, a gift from my panda brethren in the outside world? A sign that their magnificent, effulgent radioactive thunderbolts of death are about to fall like gentle summer rain across the human cities?! Are my days locked in this s******* about to come to an end?!?! Despite the excruciating feeling of one-thousand-freight-trains-loaded-with-maniacs-driving-steamrollers crashing repeatedly into the side of my skull, I manage to crawl through the dirt and filth that is the floor of my cell towards the mysterious object; my only object being to find out who it was that had braved the machine gun nests, minefields, barbed wire and crocodile swamps to bring it to me, and more importantly, find out what They would want with me. Looking around the cell at the burnt wall-padding and doubly-barred windows I am forced to the conclusion that the object was pushed under my cell door- there's simply no other way it could've got into this maximum-security cell. Getting closer to the shiny object my vision clouds momentarily as the blood rushes up through my thin, wasted shoulders to my oxygen-starved brain, but when it returns again I am able to look upon the object- and I am instantly transfixed by it. The object before me is a pair of scissors. But not just any pair of scissors; the most shiny, lustrous, relucent pair of scissors anyone could ever hope to own, the sort of scissors I thought only existed in my wildest dreams... Why, with such a pair of scissors, one would never want for anything else: one's whole existence, whole being, whole life! would be complete! Staring quizzically at my newest possession I am touched to see that the scissors have been wrapped with a single red ribbon that ties into a neat bow on the top. Whoever my mysterious benefactor is, he/she/it certainly went to great lengths to make me feel wanted. Heheheh, wanted... I suppress a little giggle of evil satisfaction, then, realising I have no reason to suppress it, I let it all out; a loud, wicked laugh- after all, it's not every day that I'm allowed to go near metal objects, especially such sharp, apical ones as these... Carefully I pick up the scissors- whose pristine, untarnished surface glistens like a lake under a full moon- and carry it to the charred and satisfyingly friable remains of (what used to be,) my cot. Looks can be deceiving, and despite the scissors' radiant, pulchritudinous exterior, for all I know they could be a bomb, part of some elaborate contrivance on my life by one of Them. And of course, the muffled noises I'm suddenly able to discern inside the cell would serve to reinforce that notion... But then it just dawns on me that those noises are merely the dying sounds of that traitorous Tickle-Me Elmo toy which, despite its lack of limbs, is still somehow managing to move about my cell... At any rate, I haven't managed to live this long by being a trusting, incautious individual, and this time would be no exception: I hurriedly proceed to do what any experienced mind-control-device-destroyer does when threatened by a potential mind-control device. I press the scissors in one of the many feculent pools that dot the floor of my cell; so as to destroy all of its hidden circuitry, and with it, its chances of gaining control of my mind. Turning my head up to the direction of the cameras They probably have hidden in the ceiling, I proceed to spit out in their general direction: Once again your attempt on my life has been an abysmal failure, you f****** humans! Next time you make an attempt on my life please make it at least vaguely worthy of my intellectual acumen! At this pronouncement the peccant Tickle-me-Elmo toy beside me gives a semi-coherent guffaw, and I turn and kick the traitorous thing into the wall. Look who's laughing now, you ass my inner monologue gloats. "Mr Elmo, we could've been friends" I begin to him in a reasonable voice, "But your attempts to gain my friendship, my trust, and then betray me to Them have revealed to me your true colours. Forsooth! From this moment onwards I shan't ever be trusting of anyone else! I'll be the least trusting humanoid on the face of this Earth, and there is nothing any of you out there can do about that!!!!" With this final pronouncement I turn my back on the pitiful creature and its satisfyingly tortured death cries and make my way to my burnt-out cot. Given Mr Elmo's lack of limbs the traitorous creature probably doesn't have much longer to live anyway. A pity, its death cries are like chicken soup to my ears... Sitting down on the bed with the pair of scissors I proceed to watch the pair of scissors intently for two minutes, to be absolutely sure that the hidden circuits They put in the scissors have been destroyed- but wait!, did I just hear an indistinct beeping noise come out of the scissors?! No, I force myself and my various alter-egos to conclude, those noises must just be the last dying cries of that traitorous Tickle-me-Elmo toy, which tried, and failed, to betray me to Them. At last I am able to convince myself that the potential threat the scissors held to my somewhat fragile control of my mind has been neutralised by my quick thinking. Abruptly I convulse onto the floor in fresh paroxysms of insane laughter, secure in the knowledge that I have gained a pair of scissors from this happyful happening. I kick my feet, beat my chest, make weird retarded-walrus-like sounds, and promptly pass-out from sheer elation.
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