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| - "I hate Americans," the Iraqi man said. "I want to shoot Americans."nnnn Cheryl Anderson tried not to take the man's statement personally. She looked to her co-host, Roger Smarmy. "Great!" Roger said. "That's what we like to hear!" The Iraqi man's expression changed from belligerence to confusion. But Roger didn't notice. He'd moved on to the next man in the line. Hundreds of Iraqis queued in this old Baghdad theater. On stage, under glaring lights, Roger and Cheryl hosted the first episode in the new reality television series, Who Wants To Be An American? Every contestant had gone through three airport-grade security checks, and hundreds of American soldiers guarded the theater, but Cheryl felt nervous. "And how do you feel about the United States?" Roger asks the second Iraqi man. "I want to blow up American buildings!" the second Iraqi man proclaimed. Cheryl was proud of her ability to improvise friendly chatter in front of television cameras, but she couldn't think of anything to say to this proto-terrorist. She didn't have to say anything. A young Iraqi man ran through the theater, American soldiers chasing him. "Rip out all American hearts and feed them to dogs!" he yelled. The young man leapt onto the stage and shoved his way in front of the camera. His face glistened with perspiration. He's foaming at the mouth, Cheryl thought to herself, horrified. On his shirt he wore, like all the other contestants, a stick-on tag printed "HELLO MY NAME IS" and then handwritten "FARIQ." "Kill Americans! Kill! Kill! Kill!" Fariq yelled. The crowd yelled "Down with America! Long live Saddam Hussein!" "I think we've found our winner!" Roger exclaimed, with the same enthusiasm that had gotten him started in television, on a children's game show in St. Louis, decades before. Cheryl now knew what to say. She'd memorized her lines on the long flight from Los Angeles to Baghdad. "Fariq has won an all-expense-paid trip to beautiful southern California, where he'll live in the lovely Cannon Meadows Gated Community," Cheryl said, and held up a photo of a condo. Fariq grabbed the photo and ripped it to shreds. "...and Fariq will drive a brand-new Ford Explorer, courtesy of Bob's Friendly Ford-Toyota-Lexus of Orange County," Cheryl continued, and held up another photo. Fariq grabbed the car photo, chewed it up and spat it out in small pieces. "Is he trying to say that the Ford Explorer is a lemon?" Roger joked lamely. Roger was as famous for his ad lib bad jokes as Cheryl was for her grace and charm. "...plus an unlimited First National Bank Visa card!" Cheryl finished. Fariq had Roger in a headlock. The young man tried to smash the game show host's head into the camera lens. Cheryl shrieked as the camera was knocked to the side. The last thing viewers heard was Cheryl screaming off-camera, "Dear God, no!"
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