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| - (We open to black with the caption...) Announcer: Previously, on Shark Movies... (Cut to "Shark Movies," a Channel Awesome show where movies are "Reimagined," very short and have shark puppets, it's quite silly. Here we see a shark puppet dressed as Shrek and an Alligator puppet with false bunny ears as Donkey.) Shrek/Shark puppet: Aye, aye, swamp, swamp, Donkey, Donkey, I'm an Ogre! Announcer: And now, back to Dad Puns: The Ride! (Ghost Dad then pops up in front of the caption.) Ghost Dad: Ghost Dad Puns! Announcer: Shut up! Ghost Dad: NEVER! Jerk and other people (v/o): Gingers don't have souls!
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| - (We open to black with the caption...) Announcer: Previously, on Shark Movies... (Cut to "Shark Movies," a Channel Awesome show where movies are "Reimagined," very short and have shark puppets, it's quite silly. Here we see a shark puppet dressed as Shrek and an Alligator puppet with false bunny ears as Donkey.) Shrek/Shark puppet: Aye, aye, swamp, swamp, Donkey, Donkey, I'm an Ogre! Announcer: And now, back to Dad Puns: The Ride! (Ghost Dad then pops up in front of the caption.) Ghost Dad: Ghost Dad Puns! Announcer: Shut up! Ghost Dad: NEVER! (We then cut back to Shrek and Donkey after going through the Gingerbread Man's house.) Jerk (v/o): So, after the Gingerbread Man tells a joke so horrible, it broke my show for two months, he gets smashed into a tree (His face remaining on the tree), but does not turn into a ghost because, say it with me: Jerk and other people (v/o): Gingers don't have souls! Gingerbread Man/CopperCab (v/o): GAH! ANOTHER VIDEO! Jerk (v/o): Anyway, Lampwick and Fat Bastard here follow the kidnapper (Thelonius) into a graveyard; where, naturally, Shrek gets possessed by the revenge seeking ghost of Chris Farley! (Shrek is then dubbed over by test footage of Chris Farley as Shrek, who would've played the role if not for his death 1997.) Shrek/Chris Farley (v/o): AH! HELP! A BIG, STUPID STINKY, SMELLY OGRE! (Donkey gets his tail caught by a ghost hand.) Donkey: Ah (the ghost hand lets him go and he goes to Shrek.) SHREK! SHREK! (Accidentally runs into his butt) I feel dead people! Eddie Murphy's Kids/Jerk (v/o): Dad, you're not funny, please stop. Shrek: Ah, now don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts? Jerk: Well, I am a little afraid of ghost movies from 2003 that star Eddie Murphy and involve theme parks, somehow. (See Parts 1, 2, and 3 of Jerk's Haunted Mansion review with Count Jackula and Horror Guru.) Ghost Dad: Racist. Jerk: Rapist. Ghost Dad: FILTH, LEARN FILTH! Donkey: I'm not afraid. (Shrek the turns around and spooks Donkey into accidentally knocking over Humpty Dumpty's statue/gravestone.) Shrek: (Laughs) What a crack up! Mike Myers' Kids/Jerk (v/o): You know, this is why Mom left you. (The two then see Lord Farquaad's grave with a statue of Farquaad fighting the dragon heroically.) Shrek: Talk about re-writing history. Shrek/Jerk (v/o): And solving a mystery! Jerk and singers: (Sing) Spazz Master's Ghost: STOP! IF WE RESORT TO THAT LEVEL OF REFERENCE, THEN WE"RE NO BETTER THAN THIS MOVIE! Jerk: This movie is giving me nothing to work with! Ghost Dad: (Pops up) Yeah, you know, this reminds me of that theatrical production based on the dictionary, it's a play in words. Blah, Ghost Dad! (Speeds off) Jerk: (Angry) My kingdom for a proton pack. Shrek: (Looking at Farquaad's statue.) I wonder if he's behind this. Donkey: Oh, that's just crazy talk! (We the see Farquaad's ghost laugh and shush us.) Ghost Dad: Ahh! A ghost! (He speeds off as we then cut to the Ghostbusters Fire House as receptionist, Janine Melnitz, played by TricksterBelle/Haley Baker Callahan, answers the phone.) Janine Melnitz/TricksterBelle: Ghostbusters, what do you want? Ghost Dad: (Talking into a phone that Jerk is holding up for him.) Help us! We're being attacked by spooky ghosts and their hideous wordplay! Janine/TricksterBelle: Sorry, we don't serve Channel Awesome members after "the Casper Incident." That 'Nostaglia Cricket' scab man made us all look like amateurs. Hold, please. (Puts another phone waiting on.) Ghostbusters, what do you want? (Cut to a blue version of Bill Cosby, Kill Bosby from Jerk's outtakes specials on the phone.) Kill Bosby: Yes, I'll be performing at a gas station in West 'Verginia' and I'll definitely be some hilarity. Want to meet up later for some drinky-drinks? (Janine/TricksterBelle then hangs up the phone and reads a nearby copy of Variety, where she discovers...) Janine/TricksterBelle: "A reboot with a..." what? (To the camera) "Who ya gonna call?" Not me, apparently! (She then throws the magazine away and the "Ghostbusters" sign falls down.) Jerk (v/o): So, the ghost of Farquaad reveals himself and brings the great stone dragon to life, somehow. But then the real Dragon shows up to rescue Shrek and Donkey, so Devon and Cornwall here (Dragon and the stone dragon) give chase, and I gotta admit, any chase scene between two fire breathing dragons has to try a lot wrong to not be awesome...(Shrek falls off Dragon onto the stone dragon, He's about to breath fire at Shrek, but he farts at him causing the stone dragon to feel the flames) And that was it. (The stone dragon then follows Dragon to a hole in a mountain.) Donkey: Detract wings, now! (She does so and swoops through the hole. The stone dragon follows but cannot detract his wings. So, as he goes through the holes, his wings are destroyed) Turn and burn! (As the Stone Dragon makes his way out of the hole, he then falls a 100 feet into water.) Stone Dragon/Figment The Dragon/Jerk (v/o) (Says as he falls) One little spaaaaaaark! Spazz's Ghost: (Sad) Figment (The Dragon)? Jerk: (Overjoyed) THE BEAST IS DEAD! YES! (He laughs as he, Conspiracy Guy's Ghost, and Ghost Dad (The latter two with each other) dance to "Cleaning Up the Town") Spazz’s Ghost: He was my world! Farquaad’s Ghost: (Tries to float away) No! Noooooooooo! (The fire then hits him, turning him into tiny heads that say…) Nooooo! (And then the heads disappear.)
* David Ganssle/Doggans is another theme park reviewer (like Jerk and Spazz Master), he was in Jerk’s Epcot retrospective and his brother Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle has appeared in several of Jerk’s reviews. Jerk: I’d like to read the following prepared statement: “Dear whoever’s editing this, I (The rest of his words are dubbed over with words he may have said at other times) am-a-horrible-wretched-person-who-has-sex-with-farm-animals-and-never-bathes-hugh-big-lies-and heart-cancer-and-a-microscopic-penis-that-I-use-to-spray-liquid-fied-rat-poison-all-over-poor-inner-city-youths-today!
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