It's been a while! This one goes out to Lostfan2342. Jan 11 (18:14)
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| rdfs:label
| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Man boob disorder (MBD)
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| rdfs:comment
| - It's been a while! This one goes out to Lostfan2342. Jan 11 (18:14)
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| dcterms:subject
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| Mcomment
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| Pcomment
| - You need the proofreading service. Go see .
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| Icomment
| - You have only two pictures, and I don't get the second one...
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| Pscore
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| Ccomment
| - I think you may be on to something, however the execution is lacking. It's okay to not be a stellar writer on your first go, you understand. Try to make the article serious instead of funny. When a comedian laughs at their own jokes, it's like nails on a chalkboard. What you should do instead of trying to be funny is try to throw in stupid factoids about manboobs. Do you see what I'm saying? The article is trying to be funny, which I don't think works... see what I mean?
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| Cscore
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| Hcomment
| - avg of each section.
* 1 Do you have man boobs? [5]
A few problems, here. First of all, you have some proofreading to do. Second, this article is, as we mature people call it, immature. Third, you really should not go into the first person with this article. Addressing the reader directly is not necessary and maybe kinda creepy. Making this article funny is gonna be really hard because of the subject. Why do you have that abbreviation in there?
* 2 MBD [4]
Never start a scientific sounding section with "so let's talk about..." It sounds wrong, you know what I mean? Also, there's some randomness in there with Henry VIII. Why are you talking about him? What is this section, a history of the disorder, or about the disorder itself? I see, it's a section about Henry the 8th. That makes no sense. Please don't be random . When I look at the title of the article, do I expect to see Henry the 8th? NO!
* 3 Signs that you have Man boob disorder [2]
I hate lists. I hate short lists. Try to make this into a really long paragraph about the two things you have to have in order to be diagnose with MBD. Make it sound really scientific and overly-complicated. NO LISTS!
* 4 Symptoms [1]
Nope, no lists, Lostfan. Remember that. Try to transform all your lists into paragraphs!
* 5 What can you do about it? [3]
Well, this is still a list, but it's not as bad. You could easily transform this into a paragraph.
* 6 Bye [4]
You have to at least call it a "Conclusion". it's eerie that your article is talking about itself and in the first person! Make this article talk about MBD from the perspective of just a wikipedia-type article.
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| Iscore
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| Hscore
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| Fcomment
| - Feline was right, this isn't terrible. It needs work. I suggest doing what I do: go on writing other stuff, and come back to this one when you've got an idea of what to say. Get rid of the lists and the random references to Henry 8th. Thank you for requesting me, Lostfan! I hope I did some good here!
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| Signature
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| abstract
| - It's been a while! This one goes out to Lostfan2342. Jan 11 (18:14)
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