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| - " VAMPIRES SUCK is a reference parody film, mostly focused on the first two books of the Failight series (probably because, as we know, the third one really didn't have anything happen in it) It is written and directed by hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer who are to movies as Smeyer is to books. But the very best thing about this movie? No Hellspawn Renesme Carlie Cullen. None. At all. The plot: A teenager of 17, Becca, comes to the small town of Sporks to live with her father, because her mother got involved with A scene in the meadow, everybody's favorite part:
- The newest film by Seltzer and Friedberg, and the first one to concentrate of parodying a single franchise, rather than the usual system of parodying a single genre or just parodying everything they could think of. As usual, the film is pretty trope-heavy, with most of them being lampshaded. Not to be confused with Your Vampires Suck. Definitely not to be confused with the other Vampire parody, Suck: Vampires Rock.
- Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Canadians. It is in fact a group of vampires, who are (apparently) commonly confused with the Black Eyed Peas. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, (which is odd, considering the welcome she was given) including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol) but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna.
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| abstract
| - Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Canadians. It is in fact a group of vampires, who are (apparently) commonly confused with the Black Eyed Peas. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, (which is odd, considering the welcome she was given) including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol) but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna. Later, Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot. Edward inexplicably moves from several feet away and stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in its path without any harm to himself or Becca (the other student is very badly injured). He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, she tells Edward that she knows what he is, but reaches the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood (and the Real Housewives of Atlanta), and shows her the shiny bling he wears under his clothes. He also states he is a killer, and shoots Alice (from Alice in Wonderland) The pair fall in love, and he introduces Becca to his vampire family on her birthday. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, after which one of the newer vampires (Jeremiah) runs at her. Edward flings her back, and then does the same to Jeremiah. She then starts to bleed from her arm, and the blood falls in a pyramid-shape of champagne glasses. After locking his dad and brother in tanning beds, he notices Becca has a nose bleed. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward rides a Segway PT out to the woods. He then proceeds to break up with Becca, who throws a temper tantrum after he leaves. After the fit, the three vampires that killed the fisherman appears. Becca begins to be eaten, but Edward shows up. After Jack retrieves his fangs from Becca's arm and leaps at Edward, Edward dispatches him by knocking his head off with a baseball bat. Jack's head flies through Sheriff Frank's car window, and he blames the Kardashians. Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months. She discovers that thrill-seeking activities and attempted suicides evoke Edward's preserved image. She is also comforted by her deepening friendship with Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi), the cheerful childhood friend who eases her pain over losing Edward. When Becca is accosted in the woods by the last of the nomadic vampires (the third not appearing, as she was recast), Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Rio de Janeiro and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. When his sister arrives and tells him that, with her gift of prophecy, she has seen Becca kill herself. Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful vampire coven, by exposing himself in the sunlight at 'St. Salvatore's day' school prom and forcing them to kill him for revealing that vampires exist. His sister has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him. Edward's sister arrives at Becca's house in her Porsche 911, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs (followed by a new moon and an eclipse), concealing Edward's vampire nature as Becca gets him to safety. But after a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to make Becca into a vampire or else he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts. The film concludes with Edward taking a blow to the head from the head Jacob fangirl, who shouts "Team Jacob, bitch!" Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly-vampirized Becca.
- " VAMPIRES SUCK is a reference parody film, mostly focused on the first two books of the Failight series (probably because, as we know, the third one really didn't have anything happen in it) It is written and directed by hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer who are to movies as Smeyer is to books. Thankfully, going into this movie we all will know that nothing, absolutely nothing, could be worse than any Twilight movie. And... we're right! Seltzenberger can write some damn good parody! For someone who wants to see Bella Swan - I'm sorry, BECCA CRANE - getting a load of bricks dumped on her head, as well as various other painful objects, this is definitely the film to see. Apart from the obvious physical pain inflicted upon the cast, we are presented with some excellents upsides to seeing this film such as a coherent plot, lots of actions, laughs, and - ready for this? - an Edward Cullen SULLEN that does NOT look disgusting under his shirt! In fact, had it not been for the sparkles, he would actually be attractive. But the very best thing about this movie? No Hellspawn Renesme Carlie Cullen. None. At all. The plot: A teenager of 17, Becca, comes to the small town of Sporks to live with her father, because her mother got involved with some golf player (it's suggested he's Tyler Woods). The town seems unfriendly at first - not yet arrived she sees a guy hunting down a girl. The city is full of meyerpires, though nobody seems to understand it. Her father gives her a one hell of a shit truck to ride. He also introduces her to Jacob, a son of his friend. The next day Becca starts at school. She's not treated well here - everybody tries to get a good laugh at her. Until she meets the Sullens - a group of weird teenagers. Edward, the most mysterious of them, catches her eye. And then, in biology, she just happens to sit next to him. A scene in the meadow, everybody's favorite part: Becca: Your skin is pale white. You dress fashionably. You abstain from sex. I know who you are... Edward: Say it out loud. Say it. Becca: Jonas Brother. (excuse me for spoiling all the fun). Edward: Yes....Wait what? No, I'm a vampire. Duh! Becca: That was my next choice. Edward: Do you know what vampires eat? Becca: Vampire cereal? *holds up a box of "count chocula"* Edward: *hits it out of her hand* You don't get it...I'm a killer! *takes out a pistol and shoots Alice (you know, from wonderland?)* Edward's penis becomes a crystal ball at the end. Yeah, these guys are more perverted than Steffalump.
- The newest film by Seltzer and Friedberg, and the first one to concentrate of parodying a single franchise, rather than the usual system of parodying a single genre or just parodying everything they could think of. As usual, the film is pretty trope-heavy, with most of them being lampshaded. The film is an Affectionate Parody of the Twilight Saga, and was fairly successful at the box office, perhaps indicating that if there's one thing the public loves to mock more than Seltzer and Friedberg, it's Twilight. While most critics panned the film overall, many of them noted that Jenn Proske's dull-eyed Kristen Stewart impression almost saves it. In early 2011, the film also earned the distinct honor of competing with Twilight itself for four Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Picture. Not to be confused with Your Vampires Suck. Definitely not to be confused with the other Vampire parody, Suck: Vampires Rock.
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