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| - My paws will always carry my fast enough. My claws will always fight well enough. But my heart will never be pure enough. Because what I've done... it's beyond reason, beyond fairness. Newly laid snow sends icy shudders down my spine, numbing my paws as I trudge blindly on. My pelt is sleekly groomed, but not for the right cat. My whole life revolves around doing what is right. That's what the Clans do. But he's never enough for me until it's too late, and I've hurt him beyond repair. His shining blue gaze burns into me for a minute, but his eyes flick away to the snow-smothered ground. I glance at the sky, noting the position of the blood-red sun. It dips gracefully behind the canopies; it's almost nightfall. That's when I promised to meet the other cat. "You look beautiful," he whispers. In his eyes, pain burns so intensely that I can feel it being radiated into the Leafbare sky. Part of me yearns to tell him that I'm staying by his side for tonight. Forever. But the wrong inside me always wins, because that's how I was born and that is who I am. "Maybe I did once," I reply softly, but he winces in pain because he knows what I mean. Maybe I was faithful once. He's more than a manAnd this is more than loveThe reason that the sky is blue "You're always beautiful to me, Watershine. You know that, don't you?" the fight in his eyes has gone. There's only a dull, wary pain left. Like he's been beaten in battle and is simply waiting for the end. Yearning for the end, even. That's what I've done. A shadow of darkness sweeps over the trees, sending a lightning bolt of guilt to my heart. I'm meeting the other tom soon. "I've got to go soon, Snowpelt," I mew. And it's then when the real pain flashes in his ice-blue eyes. His glossy yet scarred body tenses. We both know what's happening next. The clouds are rolling inBecause I'm going againAnd to him I just can't be true Staying would solve everything. But some sort of evil deep inside me is whispering in my ear, urging me to walk away. I can't fight it. The other tom is a hero, a majestic warrior. I'm a rogue that was thrown out of the Clan moons ago. And why was I thrown from the Clans? Because I was unfaithful to RiverClan. I was unfaithful then, and I'm unfaithful now. Who would want me in their life? Snowpelt would. He followed me from the Clans. Brackenpelt does. He sees me in secret every night, and I go to him, even though it's killing Snowpelt. And I know that he knows I'm unfaithfulAnd it kills him insideTo know that I am happy with some other guyI can see him dying It drags the life out of him. Slowly, agonisingly, undeniably. I'm a killer, so much of a killer that I don't even have to unsheathe my claws to take lives. I avoid his searching gaze, because even though he knows I'm unfaithful, I can't let him see the guilt in my eyes. Why is this me? Why am I the cat that steals happiness and tortures those who care? Snowpelt steps forward hastily, his eyes suddenly hungry. Hungry for love that I never show. Hungry for faith. "Be careful out there. It's a stormy night," he murmurs at last. It's like this every night. He tries to hide it, but I see it. The moment I step into the forest, his wails ring out loud and clear. His pleas for death haunt me, until I'm running desperately for comfort. And my only comfort is the cat who turned me into this. Brackenpelt. He left his Clan for me. Everyone liked Snowpelt back in RiverClan. He had a group of friends and countless admiring she-cats. This is how I am repaying him. By putting that pain in his eyes. By taking away his life. By killing him, in the worst way that any cat can kill another. The little touches hurt him the worst, I can see that. My fur is groomed because Brackenpelt only likes one thing about me - my looks. I always take special care to groom my pelt before meeting him. What tom wouldn't want me, with my glossy silver fur and shining blue eyes? If only what's inside me dictated my looks. Then they'd see me for what I really am; a hideous, unthinkable creature with no goodness or honour. If only I was ugly. Then Snowpelt wouldn't love me, and he wouldn't be hurt. Then Brackenpelt wouldn't want me to be unfaithful and see him every nightfall. On second thoughts, Snowpelt would want me even if I looked like crowfood. He's perfect like that. I'm not. "Promise me that you'll be back at the den by sunhigh?" he mews quietly, licking my ear quickly. I notice that his gaze won't meet mine any more. It must hurt too much to look straight at me. After what I've done to him, it's not surprising. "I promise. It's not as if I'm going to fight dogs. I'm just seeing my old RiverClan friends, and I'll be back before you can say the word faithful," I lie, but then freeze at my mistake. Why did I choose the word faithful, of all words? Why not something harmless, like mouse or vole? I know why. It's because I only have one conscience, and it tells me to do what is wrong. My conscience wants me to kill. I am a killer. And we both know it. "You're the reason that I was born, Watershine. Don't make me lose you," he whispers, and I feel guilt burning inside me because we both know that he's already lost me. I don't wanna do this anymoreI don't wanna be the reason whyEverytime I walk out the doorI see him die a little more inside "For StarClan's sake, I'm going!" I sigh, and my paws carry me away from the pain before I can stop myself. The heartbroken wails start quickly this time. They start off loud, broken, and helpless. After a while, as I gain distance from the place he lies crying, the wails grow weaker. They become forlorn and lost, like an abandoned kit wailing for the only cat that he loves. A cat that can't love him back because she has left. "Hello, Watershine. Or is it Water, now that you're a rogue?" Brackenpelt mews slyly, watching me closely as I make my way to the ThunderClan border. "Same as ever. I'm always your Watershine," I mew mischieviously, carefully allowing a glitter into my eyes. He dips his head, falling for the trick completely. "Same name, same looks, same everything. Huh! I thought being a rogue would change you. Guess not. Anyone lucky enough to have me wouldn't dream of changing themselves," he replies arrogantly, seeming at ease with the situation. But whenever I seek his glinting amber gaze, deep inside I'm still desperate to meet a loving blue stare. I can practically feel him watching me as I talk to the golden tom. I can almost hear his yowls, his wails, his cries. It's killing him and yet I'm loving my time here. I'm selfish, but not just that. I'm a selfish murderer. (TO BE CONTINUED) Anymore (anymore) I don't wanna do this anymoreI don't wanna be the reason whyAnd everytime I walk out the doorI see him die a little more insideAnd I don't wanna hurt him anymoreI don't wanna take away his lifeI don't wanna be...A murderer (a murderer) No no no no Yeah yeah yeah , because I know that I He's more than a manAnd this is more than loveThe reason that the sky is blue The clouds are rolling inBecause I'm gone againAnd to him I just can't be true{C}And I know that he knows I'm unfaithfulAnd it kills him insideTo know that I am happy with some other guyI can see him dying I don't wanna do this anymoreI don't wanna be the reason whyEverytime I walk out the doorI see him die a little more insideI don't wanna hurt him anymoreI don't wanna take away his lifeI don't wanna be...A murderer{C}I feel it in the airAs I'm doing my hairPreparing for another dateA kiss upon my cheekAs he reluctantlyAsks if I'm gonna be out lateI say I won't be longJust hanging with the girlsA lie I didn't have to tellBecause we both knowWhere I'm about to goAnd we know it very well Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithfulAnd it kills him insideTo know that I am happy with some other guyI can see him dying{C}I don't wanna do this anymoreI don't wanna be the reason whyEverytime I walk out the doorI see him die a little more insideI don't wanna hurt him anymoreI don't wanna take away his lifeI don't wanna be...A murderer Our love, his trustI might as well take a gun and put it to his headGet it over withI don't wanna do thisAnymoreUhAnymore (anymore){C}I don't wanna do this anymoreI don't wanna be the reason whyAnd everytime I walk out the doorI see him die a little more insideAnd I don't wanna hurt him anymoreI don't wanna take away his lifeI don't wanna be...A murderer (a murderer) No no no no Yeah yeah yeah
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