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| - Abraham, hailed as the first Hebrew and the father of the Jewish people, rejected the idolatry that he saw around him and embraced monotheism. As a reward for this act of faith in one God, he was promised many offspring: "Look now toward heaven and count the stars/So shall be your progeny." (Genesis 15:5) Abraham's first child was Ishmael and his second son was Isaac, whom God said would continue Abraham's work and inherit the land of Israel (then called Canaan), after having been exiled and redeemed. God sent the patriarch Jacob and his children to Egypt, where after many generations they became enslaved. God later commanded Moses to redeem the Israelites from slavery, leading to the Exodus from Egypt. The Israelites gathered at Mount Sinai in 1313 BCE (Jewish Year 2448) and received the
- When he arrived Abraham felt a strong need to kick the Palestinians out, but they didn't exist yet, so he got really bored. Then he went to a tent and fucked his wife non-stop for 50 years, until he got her pregnant at the age of one hundred. The Arabs believe that one day Sara started with the "I have a headache" thing, so Abraham got his maid pregnant. Sara understood the message: she kicked the slave and the baby bastard out. Sarah finally gave birth to another boy who was so incredibly ugly, that even his own mother laughed at him and called him Isaac (in Hebrew: Itzchak, from the word "laugh"). Islam says he loved Ishmael more and tried to use him as the sacrifice and that he secretly paid Hagar and his other concubine Keturah visits disguised as business trips so Sarah wouldn't know,
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| abstract
| - When he arrived Abraham felt a strong need to kick the Palestinians out, but they didn't exist yet, so he got really bored. Then he went to a tent and fucked his wife non-stop for 50 years, until he got her pregnant at the age of one hundred. The Arabs believe that one day Sara started with the "I have a headache" thing, so Abraham got his maid pregnant. Sara understood the message: she kicked the slave and the baby bastard out. Sarah finally gave birth to another boy who was so incredibly ugly, that even his own mother laughed at him and called him Isaac (in Hebrew: Itzchak, from the word "laugh"). Islam says he loved Ishmael more and tried to use him as the sacrifice and that he secretly paid Hagar and his other concubine Keturah visits disguised as business trips so Sarah wouldn't know, and that during one of these family camping trips he built the Kaaba art gallery and the Zam Zam water park. Isaac was, less retarded than his father, got married at the age of 40 to his Chaldean cousin, the lovely Rebeca who was fifteen years older than him but more importantly not a Canaanite. Isaac had two children with her, then never touched her again; the two brothers were called Jacob and Esau. They were young and had no television, only occasionally getting tickets to angel wrestling, so they bickered constantly in the back seat of the chariot. But eventually the bullying and monopolizing their father's love got too much and Jacob ran away. Like many wrestling fans he married his cousins Leia and Rachel and cheated on both with his slaves Bala and Zelpha. The Mean Jacob, even less respectful of women than his father and grandfather, made 12 boys from two wives and two slaves. He also had a girl, but of course, she doesn't count. Some say Abraham, Isaac and Jacob sold their souls to an Arab genius known as God, who paid them with a written paper which stated that Jews are the legal owners of Canaan for all eternity, a paper known as The Torah, delivered a few centuries later to Moses. Others say they only sold the the unnecessary skin on the top of their penises for the promise of long lasting virility and eternal descendance. That belief gave birth to the myth about the great business and economic skills of the Jews. However, nowadays Jews regret that their forefathers didn't sign for protection against Aman and his gang of time traveling evil rulers (A.T.T.E.R).
- Abraham, hailed as the first Hebrew and the father of the Jewish people, rejected the idolatry that he saw around him and embraced monotheism. As a reward for this act of faith in one God, he was promised many offspring: "Look now toward heaven and count the stars/So shall be your progeny." (Genesis 15:5) Abraham's first child was Ishmael and his second son was Isaac, whom God said would continue Abraham's work and inherit the land of Israel (then called Canaan), after having been exiled and redeemed. God sent the patriarch Jacob and his children to Egypt, where after many generations they became enslaved. God later commanded Moses to redeem the Israelites from slavery, leading to the Exodus from Egypt. The Israelites gathered at Mount Sinai in 1313 BCE (Jewish Year 2448) and received the Torah - the five books of Moses: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. These books, together with Nevi'im and Ketuvim are known as Torah Shebikhtav: literally the "Written Torah," as opposed to the Oral Torah, which refers to the Mishna and the Talmud. Eventually, God led them to the land of Israel. God designated the descendants of Aaron, Moses' brother, to be a priestly class within the Israelite community. They first officiated in the tabernacle (a portable house of worship), and later their descendants were in charge of worship in the Temple in Jerusalem. Once the Israelites had settled in the land of Israel, the tabernacle was planted in the city of Shiloh for over 300 years during which time God provided great men, and occasionally women, to rally the nation against attacking enemies, some of which were sent by God as a punishment for the sins of the people. This is described in the Book of Joshua and the Book of Judges. As time went on, the spiritual level of the nation declined to the point that God allowed the Philistines to capture the tabernacle in Shiloh. The people of Israel then told Samuel the prophet that they had reached the point where they needed to be governed by a permanent king, as were other nations, as described in the Books of Samuel. Samuel grudgingly acceded to this request and appointed Saul, a great but very humble man, to be their King. When the people pressured Saul into going against a command conveyed to him by Samuel, God told Samuel to appoint David in his stead. Once King David was established, he told the prophet Nathan that he would like to build a permanent temple, and as a reward for his actions, God promised David that he would allow his son to build the temple and the throne would never depart from his children (David himself was not allowed to build the temple because he had been involved in many wars, making it inappropriate for him to build a temple representing peace). As a result, it was David's son Solomon who built the first permanent temple according to God's will, in Jerusalem, as described in the Books of Kings. After Solomon's death, his Kingdom was split into the two kingdoms of Israel and Judah. After several hundred years, because of rampant idolatry, God allowed Assyria to conquer Israel and exile its people. The southern Kingdom of Judah, whose capital was Jerusalem, home of the Temple, remained under the rule of the House of David, however, as in the north, idolatry increased to the point that God allowed Babylonia to conquer the Kingdom, destroy the Temple which had stood for 410 years, and exile its people to Babylonia, with the promise that they would be redeemed after seventy years. These events are recorded in the Book of Isaiah and the Book of Jeremiah. After seventy years the Judahites were allowed back into Judaea under the leadership of Ezra, and the Temple was rebuilt, as recorded in the Book of Ezra and the Book of Nehemiah. The Second Temple stood for 420 years, after which it was destroyed by the Roman general (later emperor) Titus. The Israelite temple is to remain in ruins until a descendant of David arises to restore the glory of Israel and rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.
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