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| - FORMAN BASEMENT The gang is watching Batman FEZ: Oh, don't put Batman in the clam of death, Riddler. That's just gonna make him mad. God, you're stupid. ERIC: Fez, for the last time, the Riddler can't hear you. FEZ: Riddle me this, Riddler. When Batman escapes from the clam of death...who will kick your riddle-telling ass in? ERIC: Hey, Fez. Riddle me this (he hits him on his arm) FEZ: Then riddle me this (he wets his finger and puts it in Eric's ear) ERIC: Oh, but, Fez, only if you riddle me this (he piches Fez' nipple) FEZ: Ow! Riddle me this, you son of a bitch! (he jumps on Eric) JACKIE (storming in): Oh, my God! Guess what! ERIC (dramatic): Stop! Fez! This could be important! (he slaps him in the face) JACKIE: You guys, the Roller Disco Doo-dah is coming to Kenosha next Friday! HYDE: Oh, my God! Guess what! [Raspberry] JACKIE: See, now, that's the kind of thing the judges really frown upon during competition, Steven. HYDE: Excuse me? JACKIE: We're gonna be partners! (he gives her a blank look) Skating partners. HYDE: Hey, how about instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench, and I black out? JACKIE: Steven... this is not just a last chance at roller disco. It's a last chance at love...our love. Now, will you or will you not skate with me? HYDE: I would, Jackie...but seeing you there in your cute little skating outfit...with all your tassels and sequins...I might be tempted to...push you down a flight of stairs (he leaves) KELSO: All right. Jackie, what do you say...you and me, roller disco? I mean, we used to have some good moves, you know, like, when we did it...so it would be like that...except for with lights and skates. JACKIE: Okay. Um, first of all, you make me sick. Okay? Second, you're lame, and you make me sick. Third, you make me sick, and any one of these guys would be a better partner than you, even Fez. FEZ: Really? Then I am in. JACKIE: Um, no, I didn't really mean it, Fez. FEZ: Oh, then I am out. Damn it. Let me in. OPENING CREDITS FORMAN BASEMENT The gang are watching TV FEZ: So, who wil lJackie choose as her roller disco partner? Who, who, who? Jackie looks at Hyde HYDE: No freakin' way. FEZ: Hmm, how very sad. No one to disco with. Now, where did I leave my potato chips? Oh, there they are (he makes a dance-move) Look at that. I left my soda back in the other side of the room! (he makes some more moves) Refreshing. God, my arm is sore! (disco move) JACKIE: Wow, Fez! KELSO: Oh, come on, Jackie! You're gonna pick him over me? All right. Watch this (he starts to make some moves but falls to the floor) FEZ: Jackie, I'm just a roller disco machine... and I don't work for nobody but you. Kelso groans from behind the couch JACKIE: Okay. Okay, fine. We'll be partners. But hear me now. I want first prize. If I lose and some stupid, spoiled rich girl wins...I'll scream. KELSO (from behind the couch): I am really hurt! FORMAN KITCHEN Kitty is making cupcakes. Eric comes in KITTY: Hi, sweetie. How was work? ERIC: Oh, pretty good...except for the fact that Dad's getting sued for firing a Price Mart employee. KITTY: Okay. Well, good. Have a cupcake. ERIC: Mom, did you hear what I said? KITTY: Uh-huh, and it's just so very unpleasant, I'm ignoring it. So, have a cupcake. ERIC: Earl is suing Dad for wrongful termination. KITTY: Earl? He didn't do his job. He was always late. He was a complete dumb-ass...person. ERIC: Mom, you said "ass." KITTY: Well, now so did you. Give me back the cupcake, foul mouth. I can't even imagine the mood your father's in. ERIC: Actually, he doesn't know yet. I got the news after he left. God, Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how we're gonna tell him. RED: Tell me what? ERIC: That, uh...Mom said the "ass" word. KITTY: Well, now...actually, um... Red...umm... ERIC: You know, Mom, I got this one. Okay, uh, everyone here who's not being sued by Earl for wrongful termination...raise their hand (Kitty and Eric raise their hand). FORMAN BASEMENT Donna is reading; Kelso is pacing around. KELSO: I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want. I'm-I'm hot, and I'm smart. DONNA: That's two things, moron. KELSO: No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on. DONNA: Kelso, who cares? It's a stupid roller disco thing. KELSO: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's silly for me to be jealous. You're a good friend, Donna. DONNA: Yeah. 'Cause when you think about it, I mean, what does Fez have going for him... except an incredibly sexy accent and an extremely hot body? KELSO: Okay. Now you're being a bad friend, Donna. DONNA: I mean, come to think of it, if Fez helps Jackie win a roller disco... she might rip his clothes off and have sex with him right there on the rink. That's how hot he is. KELSO: Bad friend, Donna! Bad! FORMAN LIVING ROOM Kitty and Eric are on the couch; Red is reading the complaint. RED: Oh, look at this guy's complaint. "Red Forman was habitually ill-tempered." Am I ill-tempered? ERIC: No, sir. You're like Mary Poppins. KITTY: Okay, honey. Well, it says here you have to go to the labor board. You know what, Red Forman, you have to go in there and defend yourself. RED: Oh, I'll defend myself. I'll go in there, and I'll tell those morons... that they're wasting my time with this stupid crap! KITTY: Or...you could control your temper. ERIC: No offense, Mom, but what's plan "B"? RED: Hey, shut it, pal. KITTY: Okay, now, see, that's the kind of thing that's gonna get you in trouble. Now, when...when I get really angry, I just...I laugh it off... like this. Ahahaha! See? RED: Oh, geez, Kitty. That'll never work. That's dumb. KITTY: Ahahahaha! ROLLER DISCO A pair has just finished their routine. Donna and Kelso are in the audience DONNA: Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next. Look! There they are! KELSO: Hey! The next contestants are cheaters. The brown guy is a robot. DONNA: Robot? Shut up. MAN ON P.A.: Ladies and gentleman...welcome to the rink our last contestants of the evening-from Point Place, Wisconsin, Jackie Burkhart and, uh...Jackie Burkhart's Partner.! KELSO: Boo! Jackie and Fez start their routine DONNA: This is so cool. Oh, my God. They're amazing! KELSO: Oh, did you see that? Fez just tripped. DONNA: No, he didn't. KELSO: The foreign guy tripped. That's a deduction right there. You're gonna lose! DONNA: Kelso, shut up. KELSO: That's it. They're doing too well (he grunts and pulls something from his pants) DONNA: What the hell is that? KELSO: It's my secret weapon. DONNA: A marble? KELSO: Yep. I'm gonna chuck it out there so they trip. DONNA: You moron, it's one marble. Give me that. Give me that (she wrestles him for it) KELSO: No! No! They wrestle more, and then Kelso swallows the marble. Jackie and Fez end their routine KELSO: Boo! Boo! Boo! CROWD: Whoo! KELSO: Oh, no. They were good. I swallowed my marble. Jackie and Fez join them to wait for their scores KELSO: Boo! DONNA: Oh, my God. You guys were so great. JACKIE: I know. I know. And even when I almost tripped, my natural grace totally saved us. KELSO: Well, I saw plenty of mistakes out there, especially from Fez. FEZ: Shut your hole. Here come the scores. [Drumroll] MAN ON P.A.: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and... DONNA&JACKIE: Oh, my God! (Jackie hugs Fez) MAN ON P.A.: Friend. KELSO: Fix! Fix! JACKIE: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero! FEZ: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess. JACKIE: Oh, Fez, thank you! (A man hands them champagne) Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay! KELSO: Yaaaay! Yaaay! (he rubs Jackie's back) JACKIE: Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time. What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it? JACKIE: Let's go, Fez (they leave) DONNA: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side. KELSO: What's the bright side? DONNA: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble. PRICE MART CANTEEN Eric and Red are at one end of a tale, a mediator is on the other end MEDIATOR: Now, Mr. Forman, at any point did you ever berate Earl Arthur... by calling him any of the following names: Candy-ass... dumb-ass, lazy-ass- Uh, it- it just goes on like that. RED: Well, that sounds like just good-natured ribbin' to me. MEDIATOR: Doesn't sound that way to me. RED: Hehehehe. Are you callin' me a liar? 'Cause it's funny if ya are. Well, you know, Eric worked with him too. Eric, tell him about Earl. MEDIATOR: Actually, I'd be more interested in hearing what Eric thinks about working with you. Eric? ERIC: No. No, no, no, no. I'm-I'm here...just to answer questions about Earl- old, dumb Earl. So, you know, you fire away with the Earl questions. MEDIATOR: I think we know all we need to know about Earl. ERIC: Oh, then good. I'll just step out then. Good. This was good. MEDIATOR: No, no, no, no. Eric, just a few more questions. Is your father ever unnecessarily angry? ERIC: Unnecessarily angry. Well....ahem....you know, what does "unnecessarily" mean really? I mean, my sister likes to put salt on roast beef... but I think it's unnecessary. I mean, why cover up the flavor of such a delicious meat? RED: Just answer the question, dumb-ass! I mean...hehehehe...Good work, Son. VISTA CRUISER Jackie (drunk) and Fez are sitting in the car JACKIE: Oh, my God. I love champagne! FEZ: Yes. Was it any good? JACKIE: Great. Just great. Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you want to hear it? FEZ: Okay. JACKIE: There once was a guy named Fez...who had a really cute butt. Ta-da! FEZ: Well, I have to say I don't hate it. JACKIE: Hey- Psst...Fezzie...do you want to know a secret? If you try to kiss me right now... I probably wouldn't stop you [Giggles] In fact... I'd probably let you do more than that. A little Batman appears on Fez' shoulder BATMAN: Fez... FEZ: Huh! BATMAN: Good God, man. Don't do it. She is drunk. FEZ: But, Batman, she is so hot. BATMAN: But she's drunk. There is no honor in this. A little Riddler appears on his other shoulder RIDDLER: Ah, screw honor. Take her pants off. FEZ: Ay! BATMAN: Riddler, nefarious fiend. Don't do it, Fez. It's a trap. RIDDLER: Riddle me this, Fez. Why would Jackie ask you to make out with her if she didn't want you to? FEZ: Seriously, he makes an excellent point. BATMAN: It's the dastardly alcohol talking. If you and Jackie get together, you want it to be real, not like this. FEZ: Honestly, I was rooting for you... but imaginary Batman makes a lot of sense. RIDDLER: Then riddle me this. What does Batman know about girls? Slides down a pole and lives with a teenage boy. Enough said. FEZ: Okay. Now I have to say, advantage Riddler. BATMAN: What are you trying to say, Riddler? RIDDLER: I think you know what I'm trying to say. Ooh-la-la. BATMAN: Oh, you want to go, question dork? RIDDLER: Oh, bring it on, bat-wuss. They jump back into Fez' head through his ears and start to fight JACKIE: So...are you gonna kiss me, Fez? FEZ: No, I am sorry, Jackie. JACKIE: That's okay. You still have a very cute butt (they hug) ROLLER DISCO Donna and Kelso are the only ones left DONNA: Come on, Kelso. So Jackie likes Fez. Big deal. You're going out with Laurie. KELSO: I know. It's just, you know... seeing her with another guy just made me remember all the good times we had together... and it just made me sad. DONNA: Yeah. Come here (she puts her arm around him) You know, Kelso... I guess underneath it all you're kind of a good guy. Sometimes. Sort of. Things'll work themselves out KELSO: Yeah, I know (he tries to kiss her) DONNA: What the hell are you doing? KELSO: We can't fight these feelings anymore, Donna. DONNA: What? KELSO: What? We've been doing this dance all night... and, oh, God, I'm tired of dancing. DONNA: You moron! (she hits him and walks off) KELSO: Nobody likes a tease, Donna! I'm sorry. You're not a tease. Come back. Tease! I'm sorry. Donna! PRICE MART CANTEEN Eric and Red are at one end of a tale, a mediator is on the other end ERIC: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy. Earl comes in panting EARL: Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late. MEDIATOR: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl. EARL: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a.... RED: Car? EARL: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss? MEDIATOR: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense. RED: None taken. ERIC: That's kind of his thing. MEDIATOR: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman. RED: Yes, sir! ERIC: Way to go, Dad! EARL: Damn... dog. MEDIATOR: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes. RED: Sure, I'll...I'll do that (Earl and the mediator leave) ERIC: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man. RED: I'll see you at home (he leaves) ERIC: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together! (he runs after him) FORMAN BASEMENT Hyde, Fez and Kelso are talking FEZ: Then she fell asleep, and I stroke her hair. HYDE: You did the right thing, Fez, but a word of advice. Next time you tell the story, ya nailed her. KELSO: Yeah, but, you know, it's better you didn't... 'cause scammin' on another guy's woman- That's totally breaking the code. ERIC (storming in): Donna told me what you did, you dill-hole! (he pushes Kelso onto the couch) KELSO: No, she's lying! Oh! That's my nipple! Hyde and Fez join Eric in beating up Kelso END CREDITS FORMAN BASEMENT Jackie is sitting on the couch reading, Fez comes in (drunk) FEZ: Hello...buttercup. JACKIE: Fez, you're drunk. FEZ: Madam, I may be drunk, but you should have sex with me. JACKIE: That's crazy. FEZ: But you have to, because last night...I made a big mistake. JACKIE: I don't even remember last night. FEZ (falling to the floor): Ay! THE END
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