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| - Doug: Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs". Today, we'll be looking at a Casper cartoon* that's so joyous and cheerful it will make you want to slit your wrists. Sit back and enjoy. (mumbles)
* The Casper cartoon he is going to riff, is the most well known short, There's Good Boos Tonight (1948). Doug: We fucked up "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" all by ourselves. Doug: (seeing "Noveltoon" card) I don't wanna read my cartoon, what the hell's wrong with you? (upon zooming into "Famous Studios" card) Famous Studios, now a subsidiary of Obscure Pictures. (refering to the director's name) THIS. IS. SPARBER! (sees more credits printed on rocks) Is it me or is Mother Nature getting kinda wordy? (upon seeing Casper's introduction) Featuring this soiled, chewed-up, rubber condom! (upon seeing title "There's Good Boos Tonight) Eh, the only good boos I'm gonna see is at the bottom of a Jack Daniel's bottle. Doug: Bud-Weis-Jim. (scoffs) Goddammit, Er! Narrator: Isn't this a perfect setting for a spine-tingling ghost story? Well strangely enough, this is a ghost story. Doug: (pretending to speak on an intercom) No, Mr. Welles, this is a fish stick commercial. Narrator: Do you have nightmares? Do shadows on the wall frighten you? (narrator and Doug both chuckle) Doug: Me neither. Narrator: Well relax, this isn't that kind of a story. Doug: This is a porno! Narrator: To prove it, let me introduce a ghost that is out of this world! His name is Casper. (we see Casper reading a book titled "Animal Friends") Doug: In life he was known as the Pillsbury Doughboy. Doug: (as Casper) Oh, I wish I had animal friends to fondle me. Doug: (as a ghost that's just risen out of its grave) Welp, time for another kegger on Bald Mountain. Doug: (as the narrator) This is Henry. He touched children, but saved the Pope. So he's in purgatory for a while. Doug: Te-he, were all of these guys pillow cases before they died? Narrator: Every night, at the rise of the moon, Casper's neighbors go off on their job of scaring the daylights out of people. Doug: His neighbors were Klansmen you see. Doug: (in unison with someone else): Tora! Tora! Tora! Ghost: Boo! Boo! Boo! Come on, Casper! Time to go out and boo people! Doug: He-he-he-he, I'm off my meds! Ghost: There's good boos tonight! Boo! Boo! Boo! Doug: (laughing) It's the ghost of Christopher Walken. (as Walken) Boo. Boo. Boo. Narrator: Casper doesn't want to go out and boo people. He wants to be friendly. Doug: They're much less suspecting when he chloroforms them and keeps them in his pit. Narrator: Casper sees no future in this sort of life. So he decides to go out and make friends. Doug: Out of the piles of dung that he found at his local farm. Doug: But Casper was hungry first. Casper: (talking to calf) Uh, what's your name? Doug: (as calf) Mom, I was attacked by the Michelin Man's splooge! Doug: (as Bovine) Damn Jehovah's Witnesses, I told them to stay out! Casper: Uh, I'm Casper. Doug: Uhhh, got nothing on that one, folks. Doug: (as skunk) Well, time to die somewhere near a highway and ruin everybody's trip. Doug: Casper was...um, unique. Casper: Uh, can we be friends, huh? Doug: (as skunk panics and runs away while spraying skunk smell everywhere) Dah, the ghost of Curly Joe, taste the remains of my chimichunga! Doug: Casper tries to wash off the evil of killing that homeless man on the Vegas Strip. Did we forget to show you that scene? Well it happened. We chose to keep it from you 'cause, remember, it's not that kind of story. Doug: (as Casper starts crying) Oh, buck up. You know what they say: what doesn't kill you only makes you...uh. Doug: Knuckles puts down his Sonic suffocating pillow to see what was the matter. Doug: And so the dead boy cried because nobody living or dead loved him, and that in turn made the cute little fox wanna drown in his own tears. But don't get too sad, kids. Remember, it's not that kind of story. Casper: A-A-A-Aren't you a-a-a-scared of me? Doug: (growling) Die, die, die, die! (growls some more) Casper: You're a cute little fox! Doug: I'm gonna get others to help chew your face off! Doug: Here, this is what's left of your body. I think it was a femur. Casper: Oh! So you want to play with me? Doug: Actually I was hoping if I give you the stick, you'd go away. Doug: Look, as long as Christinia Ricci and an unfunny Eric Idle aren't in this, I'm okay. Doug: You know, I'm just gonna start to ponder the various ways that Casper could have died. Um...heroin overdose, auto-erotic asphyxiation, uh...execution at the hands of North Korean communists, a tumor? You know, I'm just gonna start a website about all the various ways he could have died! Casper: You're my best friend! So I'll give you an extra special name! Um...Ferdie! That's it! Ferdie Fox! Doug: (mishearing the name) Farty Fox? I wouldn't wish that name on my worst enemy! Doug: I'll leave a flatulent trail for you! Casper: Uh, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,... Doug: Huh huh, he'll never find me in the only bush in the field! Doug: (laughs) Is an army of Valkyries bringing up the rear, what? Doug: (as the fox from Mary Poppins) View halloo? Doug: Run, Farty! Doug: (as the hunter) I smell a gassy fox! Doug: ...And to the republic for which it stands... Doug: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Doug: Die, you fucking fox! Casper: Oh! They're after Ferdie! Doug: I can smell his panic all the way from here! Doug: Then the fox almost fell off the waterfall, nearly drowning to death, and crushing his bones into a million pieces! But don't worry, kids, it's not that kind of story. Doug: I thought they said this was a children's cartoon! Doug: (with German accent) Achtung! Schnell, schnell, getten the foxen! Doug: (singing) Here I come to gay the day! Doug: (as Peppy Hare) Come on, Fox, do a barrel roll! Casper: Stop! Stop! Don't hurt him, he's my friend! Doug: (refering to the bullets going through Casper) Ow! My invisible pancreas! Hunter: Oh, a ghost! Doug: I thought this wasn't that kind of story! Doug: Beep beep! Casper: Ferdie! Ferdie! Where are you? Doug: My name is Ralph, goddammit! Doug: (gasps) Farty! Casper: Are you alright? (crying) Oh, Ferdie! Doug: What have I done? I killed the Ferdie! Casper: He was the only friend I ever had in my whole life! Doug: Holy shit, this is like three Bambi's moms and two Old Yellers put together! Doug: And so the dead boy buried the dead fox who was mowed down by the hunter's buck shot! But don't worry kids, it's not that kind of story! Doug: (as Ghost!Ferdie) Whooo, you killed me, Casper! Casper: Oh, Ferdie! (hugs him with all of his strength) Doug: You're not seriously telling me this is the happy ending? Narrarator: And so, Casper and Ferdie lived happily ever after! Doug: Join us next time for "Casper Meets Anne Frank"! Don't worry kids, it's not that kind of story! Goodnight!
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