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| - I must apologise for my lateness senators, but I’m afraid I had to strangle a beggar I met on the way here, and as my dog refused to eat him afterwards, I had to strangle him as well. Before I knew it I’d wasted half an hour! Anyway, to business! My first priorities as emperor will be to cut taxes, to crack down on littering, and to kill everyone who does not conform exactly to this set of arbitrary skull measurements! Skulls are wonderful aren’t they? They make great pets, and they never argue, but that’s mainly due to the fact that you can only make them talk using ventriloquism.
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| abstract
| - I must apologise for my lateness senators, but I’m afraid I had to strangle a beggar I met on the way here, and as my dog refused to eat him afterwards, I had to strangle him as well. Before I knew it I’d wasted half an hour! Anyway, to business! My first priorities as emperor will be to cut taxes, to crack down on littering, and to kill everyone who does not conform exactly to this set of arbitrary skull measurements! In order to make sure there are no mistakes I shall be carrying out all the skull measurements personally! I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to this; no longer will I be tormented by the sight of inadequately proportioned skulls! I think you’ll all agree that nothing is more important than eliminating this problem, after all there’s nothing more repulsive than a man with an excessive skull circumference! Well, apart from a man with an inadequate skull circumference. I’m just thankful that I have the best proportioned skull in existence; otherwise I’d have to decapitate myself! Of course I’d kill a few other people first in order to feel better about it! After all there’s no point being morbid about the whole thing. I expect many of you are wondering how I’m going to ascertain whether people have the correct skull shape. Well the answer is simple, I use this tape measure, and to make doubly sure I hit them over the head with this special skull testing mallet in order to gauge skull density and structural integrity. I tried it out on my wife this morning, and it turns out she has one of the worst skulls I’ve ever seen. I mean just look at it! Smashed into a hundred pieces! I shall be writing to the manufacturers to complain! Skulls are wonderful aren’t they? They make great pets, and they never argue, but that’s mainly due to the fact that you can only make them talk using ventriloquism. It’s precisely for these reasons that I will be appointing skulls to very senior positions in my government. For instance I’m placing this skull in charge of my armies, I’m sure he’ll turn out to be a great general, after all he has no fear of death, because I already decapitated him! I also have another skull who’s going to be in charge of sanitation, I know he’s qualified because before I drowned him in his own sewage system him he was the designer of several aqueducts. However skulls aren’t just useful as government ministers, skulls are fun for all the family! I should know, I killed mine and then used their skulls as bowling balls. It's the most fun we’ve ever had together, and it’s certainly made dinner table conversation more interesting! Why don’t we all go for a game of skull bowling, followed by skull juggling, and then I could show you the skull puppet show I’ve been practicing. If you’re lucky I might even let some of you join my skull collection!
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