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| - Enter File:BlitzcrankSquare.png Blitzcrank. Yes, you heard me, Blitzcrank. But what on Runeterra could a steam golem have to do with dating? It turns out he could potentially solve all of your problems with just a few mathematic equations and a Valoran-wide network of magic machines. A little over six months ago, the Great Steam Golem traveled in-between League battles to purchase commercial sites and begin the construction of a chain of magically-outfitted cafés called Pairing Eligibility Reactors of Valoran. He built one of these in every major city, and also in minor outposts all across Valoran. Even Bilgewater now hosts a PERV in the middle of the market district. What exactly were these cafés for? I recently had the chance to interview Blitzcrank, and you’ll be surprised to hear what I found out. FS: “So, Blitzcrank, you are an esteemed League champion and the favorite of many summoners. Why are you building all of these cafés across Valoran? And why are they called Pairing Eligibility Reactors?” Blitzcrank: “THESE CENTERS SERVE AS MAGICAL HOTSPOTS WHICH ARE ALL CONNECTED IN REAL TIME REGARDLESS OF DISTANCE AND CAN TRANSMIT DATA BETWEEN EACH OTHER. I CALL IT “THE BLITZERNET”. THEY HOUSE MEMORY BANKS AND LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS VITAL TO THE OPERATIONS OF BLITZCRANK’S FLESHLING COMPATIBILITY SERVICES WHICH WILL LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 42 MINUTES.” FS: “Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services? That sounds pretty morbid. What does that mean?” Blitzcrank: “THEY ARE ELECTABLE SERVICES AVAILABLE TO ALL CITIZENS OF VALORAN REGARDLESS OF CITY-STATE AFFILIATION WHICH WILL ASSIST FLESHLINGS IN THEIR ENDEAVORS TO MEET OTHER COMPATIBLE FLESHLINGS FOR COMPANIONSHIP, MATING, AND PROCREATIVE PURPOSES.” FS: “You’re running… a dating service? At the risk of sounding presumptive and rude, what would a steam golem know about dating and love?” Blitzcrank: “I HAVE BEEN STUDYING FLESHLINGS OF ALL TYPES AND DEVELOPED A SERIES OF EQUATIONS THAT CAN DETERMINE WITH 96.55% ACCURACY THE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM OUTCOMES OF ANY FLESHLING RELATIONSHIP.” FS: “Wow, that’s amazing! How does it work?” Blitzcrank: “USERS MUST REGISTER AT A PAIRING ELIGIBILITY REACTOR OF VALORAN WHERE THEY ARE REQUIRED TO COMPLETE A 748-ENTRY QUESTIONNAIRE DETAILING EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. A THERMAL BODY SCANNER WILL AUTOMATICALLY GENERATE AND UPLOAD AN IMAGE OF THE USER DURING THE PROCESS. USING THE BLITZERNET, THE LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS WILL THEN COMPARE THE RESULTS WITH ALL OTHER ELIGIBLE FLESHLINGS TO FIND APPROPRIATE MATCHES. USERS WILL RECEIVE THEIR MATCH’S CONTACT INFORMATION IF BOTH PARTIES AGREE THAT THEY WISH TO CONVERGE.” FS: “I’m sold! 748 questions and a body scan are a small price to pay to avoid more psychotic necromancers. How much does it cost to sign up?” Blitzcrank: “MINION LEVEL SERVICES INCLUDING REGISTRATION AND MATCH COMPATIBILITY RESULTS ARE FREE. USERS MAY PAY A FEE TO UPGRADE THEIR SERVICE TO SUPER MINION MEMBERSHIP GRANTING THEM PRIVILEGED ACCESS TO COMMUNICATE IN REAL-TIME OVER THE BLITZERNET. A LARGER FEE WILL UPGRADE A USER TO CHAMPION MEMBERSHIP, WHEREBY THEY CAN ACCESS TELEPORTATION PORTALS TO ENGAGE IN INSTANTANEOUS MATING WITH THEIR MUTUALLY-CONSENSUAL SELECTED PARTNERS.” FS: “So have these services been successful so far?” Blitzcrank: “THE CLOSED BETA PERIOD WAS LIMITED TO LEAGUE CHAMPIONS AND SUMMONERS AND RESULTED IN A 99.8% SURVIVAL RATE AMONGST ALL PARTICIPANTS. ONLY ONE FATALITY RESULTED FROM INCOMPATIBLE PAIRINGS. EVEN SEVERAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS WERE SUCCESSFULLY MATCHED AND REMAIN IN THEIR SUGGESTED RELATIONSHIP TYPES TO THIS DAY. EXAMPLES INCLUDE LEAGUE CHAMPION File:AsheSquare.png ASHE MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION File:TryndamereSquare.png TRYNDAMERE, LEAGUE CHAMPION File:KatarinaSquare.png KATARINA MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION File:GarenSquare.png GAREN, AND LEAGUE CHAMPION File:JannaSquare.png JANNA MATCHED WITH SUMMONER BOB NASHAHAGO.” FS: “Wait, what?! I thought File:NidaleeSquare.png NIDALEE was dating Bob… Oh man, he’s gonna get clawed. Regardless, this sounds too good to be true. Sign me up!” Blitzcrank: “YOU CANNOT REGISTER UNTIL THE SERVICES LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 39 MINUTES.” So there you have it folks! In less than a week, you’ll be able to visit your local PERV and sign up for Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services. I know I’ll be at the front of the line, and I’m saving my money to upgrade to Champion Membership from the get go! Happy dating, Summoners!
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