| abstract
| - Before being transferred to Wraith Squadron (And, thereby, the New Republic Intelligence Agency), Dawn Perkins raised an awful lot of Sith. Here are a few things that she is now aware that she is no longer allowed to do as part of the New Republic Starfighter Command: 1.
* I am to stop insinuating to new pilots that there is a secret order of 'Jedi mechanics'. 2. 1.
* The order does not wish to be known. 3.
* When the CO tells me to do something, I am to achieve the objective, not lecture him on how slicing actually works. 4.
* When the squadron is about to sortie is not the time to buff out a bit of carbon scoring in the X-wing. 5.
* ... Even if we're supposed to look 'nice and shiny for the Imps'. 6.
* Hitting on a Jedi as they step off the transport is not proper etiquette. 7.
* Using a blaster pistol as opposed to an E-11 is not 'subtle' and I am to stop indicating such by pointing at the issued DL-44. 8.
* No longer allowed to play 'catch' with thermal detonators, even if their payload has been removed. 9.
* Yes, the CO is aware I'm Force-sensitive. No, I do not need to remind him via telekinetically induced wedgies. 10.
* ... Even if they can't prove I did it. 11.
* The on-station load lifter is not a butler, and I am to stop treating it as such. 12.
* That goes double for programming it to make it think it is one. 13.
* While droidified vending machines that can take care of themselves are a good idea for deployment into moderate crime areas, they do not need to be equipped with lethal anti-theft countermeasures. Wrongful Death lawsuits cost more than if the whole damn machine were stolen. 14.
* ... And justifying the employment of lethal antitheft countermeasures on a droid vending machine by equipping it with lethal antitheft countermeasures that will raise the cost of the droid vending machine above the projected cost of a wrongful death lawsuit is right out. 15.
* The assigned R2-series astromechs are not to be used as: Ashtrays, food trays, towel racks, grease traps, or trash receptacles. 16.
* My Ackbar sense is not tingling. 17.
* 'Hey, spacer' and a shake of the hips is not the way to greet General Solo. 18.
* ... Unless your name is Leia Organa-Solo. 19.
* When on inspection, not allowed to order another recruit to "Beer the Colonel". 20.
* The flight suit is perfectly acceptable for what it does. I am not allowed to redesign it. 21.
* ... Nor am I allowed to state that it is the latest fashion on Coruscant. 22.
* .... No longer allowed to make issued uniforms fashion statements. 23.
* .... For that matter, no longer allowed in any fashion shows. 24.
* Not allowed to reprogram an R2 unit into a butler, either. 25.
* Not allowed to slice the climate control system to set it to 30 degrees Celsius. 26.
* ... Nor am I allowed to misplace laundry. 27.
* KP is not intended to be a place to experiment on new, exciting dishes. 28.
* Yes, being in the Starfighter Corps means I am an officer. It is still not wise to talk to ground crew like that. 29. 1.
* Seriously. The order does not wish to be known. 30.
* Not allowed to make lightsaber noises during pugil practice. 31.
* I do not want to be New Republic Drop Corps. 32.
* Adjusting the protocol droid so that it can only sing in jizz-wall meter is pushing it. 33.
* There is no such thing as 'official New Republic Starfighter Command Trading Cards' and I do not have a 'General Antillies rookie card'. 34.
* Not allowed to design 'official New Republic Starfighter Command Trading Cards' and have them printed up. 35.
* Wraith Squadron is not hidden on base, and even if they were, I am not in a position to know it. 36.
* ... Nor am I in a position to inform new recruits of this and tell them to see if they can figure out who it is. 37.
* ... Especially not if it's true! 38.
* Distinctly not allowed to slice my way into weapons maintenance to look at the new toys. 39.
* The base central computer neither has nor needs HoloNet porn. 40.
* Not allowed to call the training module E-wings "Unreliable pieces of Hutt fodder." 41.
* ... Even if they are. 42.
* ... Even if High Command agrees. 43.
* ... Even if General Antillies has even stronger language to voice about them. 44.
* For that matter, I am to call all snub fighters by their proper designation. 45.
* The accepted way to measure a kill is to place a silhouette on the fighter, not line my barracks with fakeplast skulls. 46.
* Not allowed to reprogram the fabricator anymore, either. 47.
* No longer allowed to sell pinup posters of shirtless male pilots. 48.
* No longer allowed to post pinup posters of shirtless male pilots. 49.
* ... Neither is the obverse allowed. 50.
* ... Especially if it's my own picture. 51.
* I am not authorized to generate propaganda. 52.
* Upping the reverb in my communicator and whispering in a tightbeam 'Use the Force' to the rookie is not an acceptable morale booster. 53.
* ... Nor is doing the same using telepathy. Especially using telepathy! 54.
* My assigned R2 droid did not 'get lost in the crowd'. 55.
* Once again, do not want to be part of New Republic Drop Corps. 56.
* I am a second lieutenant, not the very model of a modern major general. 57.
* ... Also, not all things are animal, vegetable or mineral. 58.
* ... High command does not appreciate having their strategic acumen compared to Initiates in a Jedi Cloister. 59.
* When I discover two officers of disparate rank making out, the proper response is not to cheer. 60.
* ... Nor is it to go get a camera. 61.
* No longer allowed to post videos to amateur Holonet video sites. 62.
* 'Robonukkha' is not a recognized religious holiday by the New Republic. 63.
* ... For that matter, not allowed to wear an R2's domeplate as a hat. 64.
* Non-pilot midshipmen are not toys. 65.
* Corellians do not do it against the odds. 66.
* Just because I found the remains of an old B-1 battle droid does not mean I get to keep it. 67.
* ... Even if it followed me home. 68.
* Coruscanti do not do it in metal boxes. 69.
* Tatooinians do not do it with sand. 70.
* ... Even if I'm just referring to showers. 71.
* Asking a lifelong spacer if he 'ever gets real lonely up there' is not allowed. 72.
* ... Even if I am a lifelong spacer myself. 73.
* ... Asking if he's ever 'gone to the Unknown Regions' in a suggestive tone is right out. 74.
* Duct tape exists to temporarily join two non-conduit objects together. This does not include buttcheeks. 75.
* Morning KP is not "The Breakfast Club" and I am to stop referring to it as such. 76.
* ... Especially if it's the same people every time. 77.
* Handing out sexual innuendo that creeps out the male pilots, while it does give them a taste of their own medicine, is not allowed. 78.
* A power prybar is not the ground crew's way of saying hello. 79.
* Not allowed to requisition the following items: an hour, a full stop, walking carpet droids, left-handed hydrospanners, a clue, any form of heavy weaponry, a PL-1, a computer slice. 80.
* Not allowed to generate new slang. 81.
* Even if the schematics allow it, cannot give my X-wing permanent afterburners. 82.
* ... Nor can I program the food dispenser to give me gin and juice. 83.
* When off-base at a restaurant, I cannot give my party name as "Darth". 84.
* ... Nor can I secure reservations with a breath mask and a vocoder. 85.
* The squadron cricket game is not an appropriate time to have taken everyone's undergarments. 86.
* I am to put those parts back on the shelf. 87.
* ... Even if I can use them to build a spare X-wing. 88.
* Scanner anomalies are to be taken seriously, not dismissed with "It's just a funny lookin' blob, it'll wipe off". 89.
* Pillaging is distinctly against regulations, no matter what the CO says. 90.
* ... Further, I am to take "Pick your target" as a fire command. 91.
* ... Further, a Y-Wing is not a tug, and using it as such with a mobile installation causes the ground crews to get headaches. 92.
* ... And any Imperial officers inside are to be reported to Command when that happens. Proper security measures do not include tying said officer up inside your barracks. 93.
* Proper procedure regarding the capture and disposal of seized narcotics caches includes immediately reporting to your superior officers. "I disintegrated it with a disruptor or something" is not acceptable. 94.
* I am not the Lizard Queen. 95.
* Proper procedure regarding loss of data cylinders includes immediately reporting the loss to your superior officers. Slicing your way in to the base is similarly unacceptable. 96.
* ... Especially if I can do it without setting off base alarms. 97.
* ... Even if it's not my fault SigInt is still using the factory pre-sets. 98.
* Plasma cutters are for use cutting durasteel only. Pyrotechnic displays are right out. 99.
* Further use of the Intelligence Officer's miniature surveillance equipment will land me on punishment detail until I leave the base. 100.
* ... that goes double if I put it in the showers. 101.
* ... No, it is not essential intelligence. 102.
* Not every hydrospanner is a lightsaber, and I am to stop asking. 103. 1.
* Really. The order does not wish to be known. 104.
* Sonic welders are not toys, even if they do make that fake laser beam noise when tuned improperly. 105.
* I will tune my sonic welder properly when it is not in use. 106.
* I must not point out that the pilot who said it would be like shooting fish in a barrel is not capable of doing the same from his Y-wing. 107.
* ... Even if it's true. 108.
* ... I am not to set up a competition just to prove it, either. 109.
* ... If I do all the above, I am not to post the simulator results on the corkboard in the mess. 110.
* New Republic Starfighter Command is not in the business of producing musicals. 111.
* The vox is for mission-essential radio only. That means no heavy isotope. 112.
* No longer allowed to use archaic slang, either. 113.
* My superior officer is not to be addressed as "Major Crank". 114.
* The hyperspace sled is initially set to triple zero for easy input, not because we are on a field trip to Coruscant. 115.
* Cannot ask for a memo of the mission brief. 116.
* Napping is not a valid excuse for missing council meetings. Or combat drills. Or wars. 117.
* Base Computer is not for loading and playing Miner Fortress, either. 118.
* In fact, yes, the base central computer is only for database and sensor purposes, why? 119.
* Not allowed to shut down climate control as a non-essential central computer function. 120.
* Not allowed to shut down atmo shields as a non-essential central computer function. 121.
* In fact, no longer allowed to run air traffic for the base. 122.
* No matter what my power prybar says, cannot fit into a slim. 123.
* It doesn't matter if we were fighting the 181st, cannot put little devil horns on my silhouettes. 124.
* When in holding pattern for the carrier, not allowed to play with link-fire controls. 125.
* While performing maintenance on one's assigned snub is encouraged, overclocking the navcomp is not. 126.
* It is impossible to tighten a restraining bolt, and I am to stop requisitioning oversized hydrospanners to make the attempt. 127.
* I am not to send the following through the New Republic Post: A hill of beans, a hug, time, the published plans for the First Death Star, A baby's first dream, a PL-1, restraining bolts set to attach to durasteel, or a large open pit. 128.
* I may not be able to break the laws of physics, but I do not need to inform the wing commander of this. 129.
* Not allowed to use hyperspace sleds to toboggan in snow. 130.
* "We don't need any water, let the motherfucker burn" is not the appropriate response to a fire control order. 131.
* ... Even if I'm reaching for the fire extinguisher when I say it. 132.
* Not allowed to reprogram R2s into other unit members' butlers, either. 133.
* No, I cannot mount the skull of that space snake on my X-wing's hood. 134.
* I am not a member of the Corellian Triad. 135.
* Nor am I a member of New Republic Intelligence. 136.
* Nor have I been charged by the secret order of Jedi mechanics to stamp out heresy in my unit. 1.
* The order does not wish to be known. 137.
* No one expects the Republic Inquisition because it does not exist. 138. 1.
* This is not 'just what they want you to think'. 139.
* 'I hit him with my axe' is not an acceptable response to being briefed about a new starfighter in the theatre. 140.
* No longer allowed to keep tabs on ground crew. 141.
* If it's not sidearm munition, it doesn't belong in the sidearm compartment. 142.
* Similarly, if it is not survival equipment, it doesn't belong in the survival equipment compartment. 143.
* A rifle is not essential survival equipment. 144.
* Even if the nearest planet is Force-benighted Dagobah. 145.
* No longer allowed to refer to planets as 'Force-benighted'. 146.
* Walkers and snubfighters are two very different machines, and one cannot transform into the other. 147.
* There is no way to combine five snubs into one unstoppable walker. 148.
* There is no such project to create a walking, planet-destroying battle tank. Even if there were, the Republic would not entitle such a project "Durasteel Gear." 149.
* If I want spoons, I can wash them during KP. 150.
* Even if they're apparently not on the same water circuit, flushing a toilet sitting right next to the showers is not recommended. 151.
* In fact, you know what, all droids are to be used in the manner they were designed only while I am in Starfighter Command. 152.
* No longer allowed to use R2 units to slice the climate control. 153.
* No longer allowed to use 3PO units to translate everything for me from/to Huttese. 154.
* No longer allowed to use the load lifter to lift high explosives into the second-story balcony. 155.
* Using the astromech to plot a course 300 km off formation is similarly a no-no. 156. 1.
* Even if it ends up saving everyone from a surprise pack of squints. 157.
* Deploying S-foils to attack position is standard procedure for a prepared space battle from ground. It is not a euphemism. 158.
* Likewise putting up deflector shields. 159.
* Also ejecting previous to mission completion. 160.
* Nor even assuming Attack Pattern Zeta Nine. 161.
* I am to pay attention when the flight officer is talking to me. 162.
* When facing captured Imperial officers, the proper greeting is "Hello", not "I bet you scream real purty." 163.
* When captured, my first priority should be escape, not causing further damage. 164.
* Further damage is a decent secondary objective, however, so I am to keep this in mind and not dust and otherwise clean up after myself. 165.
* Physical training requirements are important for a starfighter pilot, who needs to remain in top conditioning to be able to fly properly. However, this does not include watching other pilots work out. 166.
* Not allowed to call the guy who only did 101 pushups a pansy. 167.
* Mentioning that the relativistic shields are 'probably okay' is not a morale-boosting statement. 168.
* Flowers and a punch to the face is not a traditional Wookiee mating ritual. 169.
* Nor is it a traditional greeting, and in either case, I am to stop telling recruits this. 170.
* Ewoks do not, as a general rule, have a fetish for humans. 171.
* Not allowed to insinuate I have anything against Twi'lek. 172.
* People clearly live on Coruscant, no matter what the thermodynamic analysis says. 173.
* Inside the simulator is not the time to mention crippling claustrophobia. 174. 1.
* Especially if I don't have it. 175.
* Even if I am trained to do so, not allowed to take apart a slim and reassemble it in the officers' mess with the help of secret Jedi mechanics. 176.
* Especially because there are no secret Jedi mechanics. 177. 1.
* The order does not wish to be known. 178.
* Cannot give Jedi robes to my flight commander on his birthday, no matter how nice they look. 179.
* Cannot give "My First Remote Kit" either. 180.
* Dagobah is not for lovers. 181.
* There is no Dagobah Tourist Board. 182.
* If I am given a courier mission to Yavin IV, I am to complete it and hyperspace right back, not kick back a few drinks with the Knights while I wait for Master Skywalker to show up and take the message. 183. 1.
* Even if General Antilles is there. 184.
* If I am given a courier mission to Corellia, I am to complete it and leave, not 'bar crawl' in the Skids because 'I have time'. 185.
* I was not given a courier mission to Tatooine. 186.
* I was not given a courier mission to New Plympto. 187.
* I was not given a courier mission to Dagobah. 188.
* The flight XO's hands are not bigger than his head, and it is not a sign of Force-sensitivity in any case. 189.
* Cannot go snowboarding with a spare X-wing landing tread. 190.
* Jamming enemy communications is appropriate. Calling this "battle music", however, is not. 191.
* I am not 'shocked, SHOCKED, to find gambling in this facility'. 192.
* Not allowed to sneak up on the guards while they are at post. 193. 1.
* Even if I didn't intend to. 194.
* Doubling the suction in the head is going to get me KP. 195.
* 'I'm in my safe happy hole' is not the proper response to being correctly pressurized in a depressurization drill. 196.
* Neither is 'Snug in my blankie, sir'. 197.
* If I am not MP, I am not to place people under arrest. 198.
* The data cylinder is not a faaaaaake. 199.
* There is no New Republic Anti-Imperial Happiness Officer. 200.
* The base central computer is not my friend and I am to stop addressing it as such. 201.
* When stationed aboard a cruiser, I am to refer to it by its given name, not 'Rustbucket O'Brien'. 202.
* If my hobby is to slice into surrounding computers, I need a new hobby. 203.
* If my hobby is hydrospanner juggling, I need a new hobby. 204.
* I am not to store smut in the ship's database. 205. 1.
* Even if it's really good smut. 206.
* The XO is not there just to bring coffee. 207.
* If I can tell it's not functioning, the proper response is to mark it with a downcheck, not to call for a janitor droid. 208.
* Boiling fish in a barrel just so the Y-wing pilot won't have a moving target is not acceptable. 209.
* When in a Y-wing, not supposed to use turret to spell my name on an asteroid. 210.
* If I break formation down and early, it had better be because I saw a red blip on my HUD. 211.
* Am not to give the Y-wings 'flappy wings to fly better'. 212.
* Not allowed to afterburn the Y-wing, either. 213.
* A-wings are not intended for bombing duty. 214.
* Concussion missiles are expensive; I am not to launch one simply to watch the TIE explode pretty. 215.
* Yes, we are phasing out our fleet of captured TIE/in. No, I do not get to draw happy faces on the eyeballs. 216.
* B-wings are not interceptors, no matter how much afterburner I apply, it's not going to catch up to the squint. 217.
* Hydraulic landing gears are not intended to be used to 'hop' the snub. 218.
* In the middle of a dogfight is not the time to look for new barrack assignments. 219.
* Carbon scoring is not the bane of my existence. 220.
* Should not have to be told that finishing maintenance put on hold for lack of pilots does not need completion immediately. 221.
* I am not to follow the ground crew around in an attempt to assess which are Force-sensitive or not. 1.
* The order does not wish to be known. 222.
* When I am given an objective, I am to complete it according to standard operating procedures for New Republic Starfighter Command. This means not abandoning my X-wing in favor of a Lambda shuttle. 223. 1.
* Even if I have the proper IFF codes. 224.
* Perhaps I would be better off in Wraith Sqadron.
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