Ilkeston, or Ilson to its lazier inhabitants, is a large coal mine in The People's Republic of the East Midlands that doubles as the stationary point about which the binary cities of Nottingham and Derby orbit. Operated by Tesco (who purchased the town in 1997 from previous owners Millwall FC), the town is home to some eighteen million people, almost all of whom are involved in some form of criminal activity.
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