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| - Bugs Bunny: (5 seconds into the intro) Nyeeh. Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh. (chomps on the carrot) What's up, Doc? (holding a game and throws it at the Nerd) The Nerd: Wow, it's been a while since I've seen you. What game you hit me with? "Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle"? (sarcastically) I can't wait to play this. (the Nerd tries to punch Bugs, who blocks it and punches him back, knocking him to the ground.) What was that?! (the Nerd tries to fight Bugs, but he gets his ass handed to him. Bugs kicks the game box at him.) Bugs Bunny: Nya, play the game, Doc! The Nerd: I'm not playing this shit! (he throws the game box back at Bugs) Bugs Bunny: Come on, Doc! (takes game cartridge out of box) Stick it in the Nintendo! (throws the game cartridge at the Nerd) The Nerd: How about "Stick it up your rabbit hole!"? Bugs Bunny: Nya, when you played "Birthday Blowout," you knew you had (throws the game cartridge back at the Nerd) some unfinished business, Mac. Nya, play the game for two minutes, and I'll let you hit me again. (The Nerd nods in agreement, and puts the game cartridge into the NES Toploader and turns it on.) The Nerd: So this is "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle." All you have to do is collect carrots. Once you get all the carrots, you go to the next stage, and it's just the same shit over and over. "Crazy Castle"? It's not too crazy, is it? The "Birthday Blowout" game was actually more crazy because that was more like an action game, but this is more like a puzzle game. So why wasn't this one called "Birthday Blowout" and the other one "Crazy Castle"? One good thing I have to say: It has the shortest, sweetest password I've seen in a while. The Nerd: Anyway, there's a bunch of Sylvesters coming after you. You drop stuff on their heads, or hit them with boxing gloves. The only thing you can't do is jump. If you end up in a corner, you're done. Come on, he's a bunny, he can't jump? Oh, you fucking Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall. There's no way out of this. Look at him. He's just going to pace back and forth. Time to commit suicide. The Nerd: This time, I'm going to drop this anvil down on him. Oh, he went the other way! You fucking shit nugget. You got to time it just right. You see, I'm just going to kick this crate over here. There's some Sylvesters-- Oh, fuck! If I can just get the Invisible Ink. Is he just going to stand there? Great, I'm coming down-- (gets killed) Oh, balls! The Nerd: Alright, that's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit. Rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is: Like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it. Bugs Bunny: Sorry, Doc, you ain't done yet! Looks like you've got another game! (he hands him a Game Boy Advance SP with a Nintendo Game Boy game in it, which turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 2.) The Nerd: "Crazy Castle 2"? There's a sequel? How could this be possible? I'm not playing this! (he gives the game back to Bugs) Bugs Bunny: But you wanna play it! (he hands it back to him) The Nerd: No, I don't wanna! (he pushes it back) Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back) The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back) Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back) The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back) Bugs Bunny: (pause) You don't wanna! (he takes it back) The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back) Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back) The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back) Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back) The Nerd: I do wanna, (he grabs it back) and you're not going to stop me! (the Nerd looks at the screen and wah-wah-wah-wah music plays while a sucker appears on the Nerd's face) The Nerd: "Crazy Castle 2," what can you say? It's the same shitty game, but on a Game Boy screen. So, in case you need your "Crazy Castle" action on the go, this is the game for you. The only big difference is that you're collecting keys instead of carrots. When you get all the carrots, you can unlock the final door, and proceed to the next level. The Nerd: There's more variety of traps and weapons. Watch this, I'm gonna kill Tweety. Yeah, that's what I like to see. You also get these blocks that make you jump, but could they be a little more creative here? How about a spring or a trampoline? Not just a block that says Up. The Nerd: The controls are a little stiff. I just wanna go up the steps! Oh, fuck! Now I'm dead! They tried to put new things into this game to make it better than the NES version, but it only sucks even more because it's on Game Boy. I mean, look at this. Would you want to play this? If you do, you probably like playing with dog turds. Alright, I'm done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl. Guitar Guy: (crawling out from under the broken futon) God! You Nintendo dork, you broke my fucking couch! The Nerd: It was the fucking bunny. Did you go to fucking Bugs Bunny Boot Camp? Bugs Bunny: Nya! The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up. Bugs Bunny: We do, Doc, but you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE! The Nerd: That was 2 years ago! Bugs Bunny: Well, now, it's your turn, Doc! (Bugs throws the Nerd to the ground and kicks him repeatedly before squatting down.) Nyyaa. (Bugs shits pellet turds onto the Nerd's face. The Guitar Guy sees this, and closes his eyes in disgust.) Geronimo! Nyyaaaaaa! Motherfucking Nerd! (The Nerd recovers from the bunny shit being on his face) Nyyaa, ain't I a stinker? The Nerd: Go away, just leave me alone. Bugs Bunny: Not yet, Doc. You still got another game. (he throws the Game Boy Advance SP at him) The Nerd: What?! (Bugs shoots a Nintendo Game Boy Color game at him with the slingshot. The game turns out to be "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3.") "Crazy Castle 3"?! "Crazy Castle 3"?! That's impossible! (reluctantly puts in "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3," and opens the Game Boy Advance SP) Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It's crazy that there's so many sequels! I can see why there would be one on NES and one on Game Boy, but why another? It's the same fucking thing, you go around collecting keys to open the door to get to the next stage. The Nerd: Now let me ask something: When would there ever exist a door that takes 8 keys to open? And it's monotonous how the keys themselves are in doors. The only thing that distinguishes the final door from the rest is that tiny lock which you'd need a magnifying glass to see. What's the point of having these doors, anyway? When you go in the room you find a key every time, so wouldn't it be a little more efficient not to have the doors, just have the keys out in the open? What were they thinking? The only fun part's blowing the living fuck out of Tweety. The Nerd: However, it becomes even more redundant after you've annihilated everybody, there's nothing left to kill you, so you're just walking around getting all the keys. Pretty exciting, isn't it? Almost as exciting as watching a dog scarfing out its anus. Guitar Guy: Come on, get him! He's the one who broke the couch! The Nerd: Well, technically, it was a futon. Guitar Guy: I don't care what it is! Get him! Boil his bunny balls! Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, here you go, doc. The Nerd: DOGGONE, YOU MEAN OLD SCREWY WASCALLY WABBIT-- What's this? The Nerd: "Crazy Castle 4"?! How many of these fucking games could there possibly be?! Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherfucking ass! The Nerd: Alright, well, if you just can't get enough "Crazy Castle" action, here comes number 4. It starts out with Bugs Bunny looking at a map. On it, he sees a castle, but all it says is "C Castle". So Bugs thinks about it, and decides that "C" must stand for "Carrot." And that means he thinks the castle's full of carrots, and from how much he loves carrots, he rushes over there. And, of course, the game has to explain it for us that "C" really stands for "Crazy" and not "Carrot," like we're fucking idiots. This is only the fourth fucking game, right? The Nerd: You're going around, opening doors that lead to rooms that have keys. You get all the damn keys, and go to the final door, but what am I supposed to say? It's so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I'm trying to review it. It's like trying to review a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up its butt eating a buffalo's ballsack. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it, or should I just be so fucking shocked the thing even exists? Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, you ain't done yet, Doc. You still gotta get the carrot. (Chomps on his carrot) The Nerd: Oh, you like fucking carrots, don't ya? Huh? Well, why don't you play it, then? You're a bunny, you play! You play this filth! (The Nerd tackles Bugs Bunny and tries to shove the carrot in his mouth) You like fucking carrots, don't you? Eat the fucking carrot! Come on! (He punches Bugs in the face) Come on, eat this fucking carrot, you fucking piece of shit! Eat that fucking carrot! Rabbits and your fucking carrots! Why don't you shove that fucking carrot up your fucking ass?! Bugs Bunny: (a rope appears next to him) What's up, Doc? (He pulls the rope as the Nerd looks at Bugs, confused. An anvil falls on his head, dazing him. He slaps the Tweeties flapping around him away in annoyance and goes over to Guitar Guy behind the shelf.) The Nerd: Give me your guitar. Guitar Guy: I will not give it to you. The Nerd: Give me that guitar, I need it! Guitar Guy: No! It's mine! Get your own guitar! The Nerd: Give me the guitar, I need it! Guitar Guy: Great! I guess I just gotta get another couch, and another guitar! Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, of course you realize this means war, bitch! Bugs Bunny: Motherfucking Nerd! Bugs Bunny: I pulled this game out of my ass, Doc! The Nerd: I've wondered where this shit comes from. (Bugs throws the Game Boy Advance game at the Nerd, and he sees what it is.) "Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5"? This can't be real. (he opens the box and takes out the game) OK, first of all, how is it "Crazy Castle 5" if it's not Bugs Bunny? (Puts "Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5" in the Game Boy Advance SP) The Nerd: Ugh, it begins with this stupid intro where fairies come and tell Woody he's got to save Crazy Castle from the monsters. The graphics are more advanced, and you have the ability to break things with your beak. The Nerd: One thing that's really annoying is that when you open a chest to get an item, you don't automatically get the item, so I end up leaving the room, thinking I got the key when I really didn't. The Nerd: In a good game, like Zelda, you open the chest and that's it. But here you have to stop, wait for the item to dangle in the air, and then grab it. It's like trying to grab dried shit dangling from a chihuahua's ass hair. Other than that, there's not a damn thing to say. The Nerd: I wonder why it's Woody Woodpecker? You know, now that I think about it, both Woody and Bugs were created by the same guy; Ben Bugs Hardaway. That's very interesting. Oh, and wait. The very first cartoon to feature a precursor of Bugs Bunny was Porky's Hare Hunt. It had Mel Blanc doing the bunny's voice. He was the same guy who was the first voice for Woody Woodpecker. So Woody and Bugs? Could it be? They're the same? Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh, what's up, Doc? (Bugs throws a pie in the Nerd's face. Then, the Nerd takes the pie off in anger and stunned shock, and then Bugs Bunny kicks him) That feels good, Doc! Yeah, just like good old times, Doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tazmanian Devil's fucking asshole! Nyaaaa, how's it feel to be a dying man, Nerd?! You're a dead man! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN! The Nerd: (Commando-style) Bull...SHIT! (The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Rock Remix starts playing as the Nerd comes back and kicks Bugs' ass. He thrashes, punches, pounds and kicks the shit out of him and then gets him in a headlock, ripping his head clean off. As the Nerd flings Bugs' head against the wall, Bugs' headless corpse gets up, with Bugs' head now replaced by Woody Woodpecker's, much to the Nerd's shock.) Woody Woodpecker: Guess who! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! The Nerd: I knew it. Woody Woodpecker: Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! You're gonna die, Nerd! (he takes out a bomb) Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! The Nerd: Well I don't give a fuck! I'm taking you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you Woody Bunny fucking pecker piece of shit! Woody Woodpecker: Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ah, urgh! Urgh! Urgh! How do you like that? Urgh! How do you like that, Nerd? Ahahaahaaha! Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaaaa, what's up, Doc?
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