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| - The mystery of why pub dwellers drink this yellowy bubbling swill has confused the gentry for centuries. Nowadays the English cannot afford refrigerators or even ice cubes to chill their beer, as they spend their meager salaries on nicotine, sugar, Chinese trinkets, burberry hats (see chavs), and the latest fashions from India. But since the invention of refrigeration is historically recent, and certainly doesn't explain why Brits first began to down the dreary suds, a brief look into the fog of history may provide answers.
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| abstract
| - The mystery of why pub dwellers drink this yellowy bubbling swill has confused the gentry for centuries. Nowadays the English cannot afford refrigerators or even ice cubes to chill their beer, as they spend their meager salaries on nicotine, sugar, Chinese trinkets, burberry hats (see chavs), and the latest fashions from India. But since the invention of refrigeration is historically recent, and certainly doesn't explain why Brits first began to down the dreary suds, a brief look into the fog of history may provide answers. Legend credits Warm piss water's secret recipe to King Arthur. This may have been a way for its real inventors, likely a family of cross-eyed lowly peasants of the muddy-shoed and disease-catchall variety, to gin up its reputation among the prime collective of other lowly peasants, passing foreigners, and Londontown's glassy-eyed already soused citizens. As they slipped under the tables in record numbers, the thought that King Arthur and his Queen had a similar experience put many a wry smile on the faces of the newly unconscious and dearly departed. The ungodly liquid received its second major promotional boost in 1905 when an obscure passage in a never-before-seen attic-found Shakespeare folio of King Lear ("If I knews it was up there don't you think I would have sold it decades ago, ducky?" the lucky 97-year old Esther Klopenduffer said between sips of slightly-fresh air from a cylinder). of "King Lear" quoted Lear's passion for the brownish-yellow as he drunkenly descends into madness: Droth expelled ure liquid sunscorched, warmth unto thy tongue as thy lady's bosom. Bringeth forth frothy tall glasses roundeth purchased, tarry longe en drinketh hearty mine freonds ond foes alyke, for heofon's own be Englaland's flavour, Ealdormann ond mudhut dweller toghethar, aquiver whith Divine longing, entwine wholeheartedly ure Godcundness mandath! Flor byrthryth's destyny to shareth ov this steep, this myighty equalizer, this supraeme rewardeth flor living, Wearm pisle waeter, mother drinketh ov ure crydle, ure Englaland, ure own. Another lift to the popularity of Warm piss water came during the perennial "War to end all wars" when Sir Winston entertained United States President Franklin Roosevelt and Russian strongman Joseph Stalin at the pivotal Tehran Conference. Both men winced, it was reported, upon their first ingestion of the brew. But, realizing that they were under Churchill's peering eye, and knowing it to be a test of their manhood, Roosevelt and Stalin grinned, slapped Winston on the back pretty hard, and asked for refills. It is theorized in some historian-infected circles that this seemingly glowing - although in hindsight, foolhardy - endorsement of Warm piss water by the three leaders of the free world led the English into a false further frenzy of pride in their national drink, and those who dared speak against it quickly saw the stars from a prone position. A further theory: The English continue to drink Warm piss water just to entrap yank tourists. The unsuspecting American will enter an inviting neighborhood public house, be welcomed with cries of "Drink Heartly, lad" by the inhabitants, and order a beer. The bartender will then serve him a tall glass of the reckoning, but not tell him it's warm. The victim will then drink it and instantly vomit, while all the limeys laugh, pound their knees with their fists, and kick at the sawdust like they've just won the Derby. This is a sport played by an entire nation, taking millions of easily distracted minds completely off of a dreadful but somehow tolerable existence.
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