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| - Carl: Coltrane's new break-up album, "Coltrane vs. Coltrane" will go down in history as one of the greatest break-up albums ever. You can hear all his raw emotion with his new single, "Daddy's Home". Coltrane: (the song turns out to be sexual) Carl:....Maybe not that first single. I must have been talking about the SECOND single. Coltrane: (sings another sexual song, but it features Isabella) Carl: Okay, maybe not that one, either. But I'm sure we'll get to hear all that emotion in his third single, "OMG", which I assume stands for "Overwhelming Marital Grief"...........No, it stands for exactly what you think it stands for, and not in the way of "OMG, my life is ruined because my girlfriend left me" way, more like "OMG, there's a hot girl over there that I'd like to touch with my (bleep). Carl: We begin the song with a blast of synth-fuzz that sounds like someone fell asleep on their piano, which is not as comfortable as it sounds, trust me, and then it goes straight into this. Phineas: (using Autotune) Oh my gosh, I did it again so imma (in a deep voice) Let the beat rock... Carl: Where do I know that from? Oh, from one of my least favorite songs ever. Phineas: (in Boom Boom Pow) Let the beat rock. Carl: There's a problem right there. This song was written by Phineas from PFSC. And believe me, this SOUNDS like a Coltrane song written by Phineas, as it has a series of half-baked musical ideas married to idiotic cliches slammed together without any thought of coherence or transitions. Phineas: A-G-L-E-T, don't forget it (keeps repeating) Carl: And no, we do not need that point illustrated. Coltrane: Baby let me love you down, there's so many ways to love you, baby I could break you down... Carl: ....Wait, what? Coltrane: Baby I can break you down.... Carl: "Baby I can break you down"? I hope that's not a threat. What does that even mean? Alright, we're already off to a bad start. When you're as rich, famous, and talented as my BFF Coltrane, then you no longer have to pay attention to the things you say to women. Apparently, there are "so many ways to love you", but Coltrane chooses "breaking you down". I don't know what "breaking you down" means, but I hope it's not a felony.....Unfortunately, I don't have a social life outside of top 40 pop hits...Maybe that's a reason why I don't have good luck picking up chicks off the internet. (scene switches to Carl in front of a computer, video-chatting Vanessa on a webcam) Carl: Baby let me love you down, mmmm, there's so many ways to love you. Baby, I can break you down, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. Vanessa: (looks unimpressed) Carl, I'm serious. Stop calling me. Coltrane: You make me wanna say, oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh, oh my gosh... Carl: ...Did I hear that right? Coltrane: Oh my gosh.... Carl: "Gosh"? That's what the "g" in "OMG" stands for? "Gosh"!? Isabella: Gosh.... Carl: What are you, a ten year old? It's not bad to say "God" on the radio anymore. Besides, your last single was about (bleep)ing two chicks at once. It's a little bit late there to start catering to the ten year old crowd now. Carl: The cheering crowd actually does stop screaming. They stop the chanting right....about....here. Coltrane: Honey got her booty like pow pow pow, honey get some boobies like wow oh wow..... Carl: .....(laughs nervously) Oh, boy. You know how in sitcoms where they have this one joke, and suddenly the room goes dead quiet after the main character says something really embarrassing? Isabella: You had me at our grandchildren's house... (record scratching noise) Phineas: WHAT!? (a laugh track plays in the background) Carl: Yeah, that's kind of like what happened here. The crowd goes dead quiet at some of the most embarrassing set of lyrics I've ever heard. All this needed was a laugh track. Coltrane: Honey got her booty like pow, pow, pow, honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow... Carl: (begins fake-laughing, then stops) Oh, but let's not blame the crowd for this, Coltrane's the one who said it, despite the fact that he's a teenage boy! First gosh, now boobies!? What are you, nine!? How does this even happen!? To sing those lines, to write those lines, to conceive of those lines, to help record those lines, to HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THOSE LINES, you would have to be the most stupidest human being to walk on the face of the earth! (thinks about those lines) Hmm... (shows Carl in front of a computer) Carl: Shawty, you got a booty like pow pow pow. Vanessa: Carl, stop... Carl: And you've got some boobies like wow oh wow! Vanessa: Carl, oh my gosh, I'll file a restraining order if I have to. Coltrane: Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow, girl you know I'm lovin' your, lovin your style.... (the "Not a Rhyme" button goes off) Annotation: NOT A RHYME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Carl: (presses the "Not a Rhyme" button) Oh my gosh, I am pushing the "Not a Rhyme" button as hard as I possibly can. No, no, no, NO! "Style" is in no way, shape, or form an acceptable rhyme for "wow'. In fact, that's probably why Stacy left you. Here, let's look at what Stacy said. (takes out papers that Stacy "wrote" about their breakup) "I left Coltrane because he rhymed "style" with "wow". Coltrane: Got me like oh my gosh, I'm so in love, I found you finally... Carl: Wow. Does THAT line belong in a different song. (in a sarcastic romantic voice) At last, I've found you finally, my true love. Yes, you, nameless woman that I know nothing about. You have all the qualities I've ever looked for in a woman, pow pow pow, booty girl! (a picture with the words "booty like pow pow pow" and "boobies like wow oh wow" with check marks pops up) I, Coltrane, has literally never met a girl with ANY of those qualities. Carl: Okay, I'm done with this. Can we listen to Phineas's part now. And no, I'm not a Phineas fan, but at least he'll break up the monotony. Phineas: Fell so hard for honey, out of all the girls off in this club, this one got me (bleep)ed, (bleep)ed off.... Carl:........IT SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME! In fact, when I heard this for the first time, I didn't realize that we weren't listening to Coltrane! What's the point of having Phineas on the song!? How is he even capable of singing a part meant for Coltrane! HE'S COLTRANE! (screen cuts to Coltrane singing a better song) Carl: You know, Coltrane with the "voice that makes the booty go pow" Coltrane? Why he is singing three notes at the bottom of the scale!? This is not a good use of your Coltrane! Coltrane: She makes me wanna say, oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh-oh.... Carl: That's what she makes you wanna say? "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh" (keeps repeating) (scene cuts to Carl still saying "Oh oh oh oh" while Vanessa covers her ears) Carl: This is why Coltrane cannot handle mature relationships. OMG, Coltrane, STFU. Coltrane: Oh my... Albert: (in a girlish tone) GOSH! Carl: (in front of a computer) So, (laughs nervously) what are you wearing? Vanessa: Carl, we're on a webcam! You can see what I'm....I'm hanging up now, Carl. Carl: ............(bleep) yousa sexy (bleep). Vanessa: Goodnight, Carl. (episode ends)
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