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| - Rigby: And then I'll live in a mansion with fast internet. Mordecai: How fast? Rigby: Faster than you! Mordecai: Whoa! Haha! Watch it! CJ: Beep beep! Yo! My horn is broken, let's go! BEEEEEP! Mordecai: Oh, CJ's here early. Hey, can you cover for me so we can go hang out? Rigby: Sure, man. Mordecai: Cool. Rigby: Double fisted! Mordecai and Rigby: Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Mordecai: Oh, hey man. Sorry about this. I'm taking CJ to see that Swedish movie with the crying, so.... Rigby: Oh, okay. Well, have fun. Mordecai: I probably won't. It's pretty cerebral and really sad! Rigby: Stab. Stab. Mordecai: Hey, uh, sorry, but.... Rigby: Yeah, yeah, I got it. Mordecai: Great! Rigby: Wipe, wipe, wipe! Benson: So, if anyone has any leads on this issue, there is a $12 reward. Benson: Oh, maybe Mordecai has some insight on who's been wrapping the public toilet seats with plastic wrap. Mordecai: Sorry I'm late. I was moving CJ's couch. Muscle Man: Oh ho ho! I guess CJ's the remote in that relationship, because she's the one with all the control! Does anyone want me to explain? Do we get it? Benson: We get it. Pops: I'm afraid I don't quite- Benson: We get it! (to Mordecai) It's a good thing you're here. I'm gonna need you to help Rigby change the lightbulbs. Rigby: Oh, I can do that myself. Benson (sarcastically): Ha ha. Yeah, sure you can. Rigby: Yeah, I can! I help all the time! Rigby (continued): Why are you laughing?! Muscle Man: Bro, without Mordecai, you'd be totally useless. Rigby: Wha- Come on, Mordecai, tell him how useful I am. Mordecai: Uhh...yeah, I mean, you're fun. Rigby: What? No, tell him I'm useful! Mordecai: Yeah, you're my friend. Rigby: Why aren't you saying the word useful?! Mordecai: Well, I mean there was the time with the chairs, the limousine, the pretzel. You're basically the opposite of useful pretty much anytime we do anything. Rigby: But we did those things together! Mordecai: Yeah, I mean, you were there. Rigby: So the whole time I've been covering for you and CJ? Mordecai: Well, I mean, it's the least you could do. Rigby: The least...I could.....I quit. Mordecai: What? Rigby: I quit! I can get a paycheck anywhere! Mordecai: Dude, you can't get a job without me. It's my references that got you this job in the first place. Rigby: Reference this! I'm gonna go out and get a job, and I'm gonna make money at that job. and that money's gonna come in the form of a check. And that check's gonna be in an envelope, and the envelope's gonna be sealed, and I'm gonna rub that sealed envelope all up in your face, Mordecai! PEACE! Rigby: Do you have any openings for someone who wants to rub something in his friend's face? Lady: Oh sure, we have a variety of positions for anyone with a college diploma. Rigby: I never went to college. Lady: (puts away some documents) Well there's still some for high school graduates. Rigby: I never graduated high school. Lady: (puts away a large stack of documents) Well, as long as you have a drivers license. (Rigby remains silent.) Lady: (puts away the last stack of documents) Well...there is this one..... Rigby: As long as I'm getting a paycheck I'm doing it! Lady: Alright. (gives Rigby a card) Rigby: Hmmmm..... (looks at the "Lift with your back" card) Manny: The name's Manny, this here's my moving company, I built it with my back up! We got everything you need here. Cardboard boxes, packing peanuts, packing tape..... Turn around. Rigby: What? Manny: Hmmm.... you only got one butt cheek, you don't have much of a back on you. But we need as many backs as we can get for this next job. Rigby: Okay? What should I do? Manny: Just load up on the back of that truck with the other flunkies. Manny: Alright you crumbums! We got a seven bedroom doghouse we gotta move in an hour! I don't want to hear any of your backtalk out of you backblisters, or you're back on the street! Now keep up the good work! I respect the heck out of ya! Manny: Woah there in your back! What do you think you're doing? You gotta lift with your back! Rigby: What? Really? Manny: We are called "Lift with your back" for a reason. Are you trying to ruin my brand? Let me show you how it's done kid. Rigby: Eawwwww! uhh.... Manny: You want that paycheck? Lift with your back! Rigby: Uhhh.... (he lifts a box and walks at the front door) Manny: C'mon what are you doing kid? Don't use the front door! Use the back door! Rigby: But it's twice as far! Manny: What are you trying to ruin my brand? Get back there! Manny: Hm. That kid's got heart. (At night, Rigby tiredly walks towards his bed, and lies his head in it) Mordecai: Oh, there you are! I knew you were faking earlier. Rigby: Faking? HA! Does this look like the back of a faker? (Shows his back) Mordecai: (ignores his back) Look, I need you to cover for me again. CJ's half birthday party is tomorrow and it's pretty important. Rigby: What? Are you serious?! Mordecai: Yeah, C'mon man! You slacked off your whole life! Can I just have this? Rigby: No! You have things all the time! Player 1, the bed, punchies, a diploma, a girlfriend?! Mordecai: Oh Jeez, is this what this is about? You not liking CJ? Rigby: No, CJ is cool! But I helped you all the time with her. And I helped you get with and over Margaret! And you never even thanked me! Mordecai: Of course I did! I think I did? Rigby: 4 days Mordecai, 4 days till I rub that paycheck all up in your sorry face! Benson: Oh, uh, Rigby. You're still here. *clears throat* As you know, room and board is for employees only, and we kinda need the space for this old dot matrix printer. Benson: Oh, with the paycheck you earned, in the sealed envelope? Rigby: Yes, in the sealed envelope! Rigby:. Huh, four more days. Manny: Your back, you gotta use your back! Rigby: Ah, my back! Eileen: How was Day Two? Rigby: All this back-breaking labor is killing my back. I don't know if I can live with my back all week. Maybe I should just take my old job back. Eileen: Why do you keep saying "back"? Rigby: It's all I hear all day! Eileen: I don't mean to sound harsh, but this seems like a toxic work environment. Your back's all mangled and ropey. Rigby: Thanks- OW! Eileen: Quit squirming. Doesn't your boss know to lift with your legs? That's-- That's, like, Hauling and Packing 101! Rigby: Yeah, I don't know what his deal is, but he keeps saying I've got heart or something. Eileen: Then that's the one thing upon which we agree. You've got heart, Rigby, and in three days, you'll have a paycheck too. (Rigby smiles) Rigby: Can I get a cup of coffee? Eileen: You got $1.50? (Cuts to Rigby at work) Manny: Now, today's gonna be a big day, and some of you schnooks are looking a little back-bottomed, so I'm gonna play the company song to get your backs on track! Manny: Alright, you pickle pouches, time for your back pay! Joe! Murray! Rorschach! Rigby!(lifts the letter higher) Ah! Rigby: Hey, what the heck man?! I've been doing your lame back stuff all week! Now pay up! Manny: Oh, you'll get your paycheck. Rigby: Hey, what gives?! Manny: Tell him Murray. Murray: Hello, Rigby. Rigby: Murray. Murray: It's kind of company tradition that on your first paycheck, you got to move a full truck by yourself. Rigby: What?! Are you serious?! Manny: Hey, my back is tied. You want the paycheck, you move the boxes! Rigby: Ugh! Eileen, why'd you bring that guy here? Eileen: 'Cause you guys are friends, and you always support each other. Mordecai: Dude, come on, you don't have to go through all this to prove a point. You got to stop, man. Let me help. Rigby: No, I'm doing it myself! Mordecai: You're just gonna hurt your back, dude! Rigby: Can't be worse than when you stabbed it! Mordecai: What? Come on. Rigby: You think the only thing I'm useful for is being your chump! (imitates Mordecai) "Rigby, help me get a girlfriend!", "Let me borrow your time machine, Rigby!", "Rigby, I found a dumb sweater, and I got to return it!". All you do is use me, man. Mordecai: But I never asked you to do those things. Rigby: Of course you didn't! (sighs) I helped 'cause you're my friend. Mordecai: Then let me help you. Rigby: No! This is my job, and I gotta unload this truck.
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