| abstract
| - The Nerd: This game is the unholy fuckness. You probably remember it as my first game review. That was 5 years ago before I took on the regular duty of playing shitty doodie. Back then, I wasn't as hardcore. I used a code, and I skipped over a lot of the game. So now is my second chance, 'cause I'm gonna do it for real this time. I only scraped the surface off this smelly turd, and after that... it really starts to stink. The Nerd: Just to clarify, though this game is terribly flawed, it still has a lot of nostalgic value for me. The graphics and the music are fantastic, and it still has that Castlevania atmosphere. The Nerd: (Groans) Then there's parts like that. Why is it necessary to interrupt the game like that so often? The Nerd: You need hearts to buy stuff, and when you die, you lose all your hearts, and you have to start from scratch. So if you're trying to buy something, your best bet is to stay in one spot that you feel safe, and just keep killing the same enemies over and over. I mean, what fun is that? The Nerd: When it's nighttime, you're just totally screwed, because the stores are all closed. So the only thing you have to do is just wait for daytime, and chase zombies around. (Exclaims) Get over here, you fucking zombie piece of shit. It's times like this when you get real bored, you find glitches, like at the door. Why does the holy water just stop? For some reason, I always found that amusing. I could do that for hours. (And believe it or not, he did.) The Nerd: This is the first Castlevania game to adopt a non-linear style, where you have to roam around and explore. It's a neat idea, just not executed too well. The whole plot is that after Simon destroyed Dracula in the first game, all his body parts were scattered into different mansions. The Nerd: Now, Simon has to rid the curse of Dracula once and for all, and to do this, he has to go into each mansion, and throw a fucking oak stake at an orb. ("You now prossess Dracula's Rib" text box appears) "You now possess Dracula's rib." Oh, wait. Prossess? Prossess? Are you kidding me? Well, anyway, it boggled my brain at no end. How is anybody supposed to know to throw an oak stake at an orb? The Nerd: So I found this one clue. It reads: "A symbol of evil will appear (appaer) when you strike the stake." Gee, that really helps. Couldn't it at least mention, like where you're supposed--(The Nerd noticed a spelling error before he could finish his sentence) A-pee, A-puh, A-puh, Appaer? (A-Pear) Appaer?! Does anybody proofread this shit?! The Nerd: It only goes to show how much effort they spent on the game when they can't even get the fucking text right. The text itself seems to be one of the main issues. Not just spelling errors, but the information too. It seems like they're giving you clues, but they never make any sense, and most of the time, they're just flat out lies. In adventure games, especially RPGs, getting clues is a big part of the game. So as a gamer, you're inclined to regard what they say as true. After all, why else would it be in the game? To confuse the shit out of you, that's why! The Nerd: The part that's disturbed me the most is that when you walk in this house, you find this old creepy bitch sitting on the floor. Looks like roadkill with a mop on top (referring to the old lady sprite). She says, "Let's live here together." Okay. Fine. We'll just... live here. Yeah, so... nice place. To sum things up, reading anything in this game is just as useless as the guy in Zelda II who says "I am Error". That's why this is what you called, a Nintendo Power game. The Nerd: Of course there's the wall, where you have to select the red crystal, kneel down, and then wait for a tornado. But that's just the beginning. The Nerd: There's a part where you have to go under a lake. I can just barely see the platform, so I get the idea that I'm supposed to go down there. But if you touch the water, you die. You have to select the blue crystal, then you kneel down for a few seconds, and then, you can go through the water. Who the fuck is supposed to figure that out?! There's another spot where you're supposed to go into a cemetery, and drop a piece of garlic so you can get a silver knife. Who is this person in a robe who waits in a cemetery for someone to come by and drop garlic? The Nerd: So there's the cryptic parts, but then there's parts that are just plain annoying. Some of the jumps are outrageous. The Nerd: (Groans) Man, get up there! The Nerd: Then there's these blocks. It doesn't look that hard, seems like you can just hop on over, but if your timing isn't 100% accurate, your jump doesn't reach. I'm gonna try again. The Nerd: (Grunts angrily and exclaims) This game is poopy. The Nerd: The most annoying enemies in this game that I never forget are the blobs. They just bounce all over the place. You can't get away from 'em, especially if you're on the stairs! The Nerd: (Groans) What?! Let's take a look at that again. (Replay of last few seconds) I'm on the stairs, totally defenseless, the blob knocks me off, and I fall through the fake block. That is so fucking cheap. The Nerd: The most annoying hazard in this game is water. Seriously, water? Why is that such an issue? (Moves to next screen, and falls in the water) Oh, come on! That wasn't even on the same screen! The Nerd: The last thing to mention are the bosses. There's very few of them, and let me tell you, they got lazy with these bosses, I mean real lazy. The Nerd: You know how hard the Grim Reaper is in the first game? Well, if you do, then wait 'til you see how hard he is here. (Cut to fight with the Grim Reaper in "Castlevania II"; Simon effortlessly walks underneath the Reaper and his attacks and exits to the right. The Nerd is relieved) Damn, I'm lucky I got past that Grim Reaper. The Nerd: Then, of course, you walk through an empty castle, to fight the easiest end boss in video game history. (Defeats Dracula) And there you have Castlevania II.
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