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| - Grumpy and quick-tempered, the scrappy Lord Dingwall doesn’t let being height-challenged get in the way of solving his problems with fisticuffs. Never one to shy away from an old-fashioned fracas or high-spirited kerfuffle, he has no qualms taking on even the burliest adversary to assert his own position in the kingdom. He has a son who looks similar to him in both height and hairstyle. (His name is Wee Dingwall.)
- All of the town’s citizens hate living in Dingwall and want to live in either Inverness or Glasgow, but Maggie Patterson, the Mayor of Dingwall, will not allow anyone to leave. Those who do manage to escape from the town are always lured back with promises of riches and good crack, but this is a lie. In Dingwall there are no riches and there is no crack.
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| abstract
| - Grumpy and quick-tempered, the scrappy Lord Dingwall doesn’t let being height-challenged get in the way of solving his problems with fisticuffs. Never one to shy away from an old-fashioned fracas or high-spirited kerfuffle, he has no qualms taking on even the burliest adversary to assert his own position in the kingdom. He has a son who looks similar to him in both height and hairstyle. (His name is Wee Dingwall.)
- All of the town’s citizens hate living in Dingwall and want to live in either Inverness or Glasgow, but Maggie Patterson, the Mayor of Dingwall, will not allow anyone to leave. Those who do manage to escape from the town are always lured back with promises of riches and good crack, but this is a lie. In Dingwall there are no riches and there is no crack. Dingwall is the fastest growing hovel in the world, and with an incredible 30000 sheds being built every day, scientists have predicted that Dingwall will engulf the entire planet by the year 2132. When this happens Dingwall will spread to the moon then to Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto then ontowards the sun covering venus and mercury. Dingwall was originally founded by Macbeth in 10 A.D. and was called Macbethville until the year 108 A.D, when the Vikings arrived for a holiday. The Vikings liked Macbethville so much that they decided to buy the town from Macbeth for two bags of shells and a handful of salt, which they thought was very good value. After their takeover, the Vikings transformed Macbethville into a holiday camp and renamed the town to Viklins. Viklins proved to be very popular and people would come from far and wide for a one week summer holiday where they could enjoy sports such as knobbly knees contests, three legged races, chucklefish throwing, bandy legs competition and gurning. Viklins continued to be popular until 840 A.D. until the arrival of the Tinks who were experts at avoiding bill payments and refused to leave. The Tinks stayed and bred eventually taking over Viklins and some of the surrounding area and eventually the name of Viklins was changed to Tinkwell. Due to the incomprehensible language the Tinks spoke, the name Tinkwell was often mistaken for Dingwall, which it has been know as to this very day. Ever since Dingwall was built purely to annoy Inverness there has always been a huge rivalry between the two towns. This came to a head during closing time on April 16, 1746 when a Dingwall gadge called an Invernesian a tink. This resulted in the two towns gathering on each end of Culloden Moor where they shouted bad names and doing the V sign at each other (some even did the middle finger). The Dingwall gadge and the Invernesian who he called a tink eventually ended up wrestling each other and scrambling about amongst the heather. Eventually the Hanovarians arrived to break the incident up and chase everyone home to their beds. The haunting chants of "COOOOOUUUUNNNNT-AAAAAY!" and "UP THE AAAAAAAAAYYYEEE SSSEEEE TEEEEEEA" can still be heard echoing through the moor to this very day
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