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| - Before the Japanese knew of anyone else, the only people they had to fight was themselves. This was demonstrated in the wars between the Taira and the Minamoto. But the Japanese soon got bored, especially the Shoguns. Due to this unfathomable boredom, the Japanese soon attacked Korea, but got beaten many times or got minor negotiations. The Japanese could not really win these wars, since they were on both sides. Luckily for them, some enemies would soon appear.
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| abstract
| - Before the Japanese knew of anyone else, the only people they had to fight was themselves. This was demonstrated in the wars between the Taira and the Minamoto. But the Japanese soon got bored, especially the Shoguns. Due to this unfathomable boredom, the Japanese soon attacked Korea, but got beaten many times or got minor negotiations. The Japanese could not really win these wars, since they were on both sides. Luckily for them, some enemies would soon appear.
* First Mongol Invasion of Japan (1274): Won. But not because of their 100% super-awesome mega-battle skills. You see, a Mongol army of about 5 million soldiers (give or take a few millions) comes to Japan and invades it. Best Japanese troops are Samurai, but the Mongols just kill them as they try to set up for the perfect strike. The Japanese had lots of pikemen with impenetrable armour, but a pointy straw hat for head protection. Not so smart. Anyway, the Mongols see a Typhoon coming. So for some retarded reason, they order all their troops back onto the ships. The ships sink and all the Mongols die. The Japanese celebrated this obscene matter by dancing on the dead Mongolian corpses with their breakable farm tools, drinking sake, and having lots of sex with big brested Japanese girls in the most scandalous kimonos.
* Second Mongol Invasion of Japan (1281): Won, but only because of their best friends in the whole wide world: the Chinese. It started when the Mongols sent a diplomat to Japan. All that came back to Mongolia was a severed head; the Japanese had made the rest of him into Sushi. In the ye ol' folk legend called "Legenderu offu Japaruu," it is said that the sushi was very, very delicious. The Japanese are expecting an invasion, so they build a massive wall about three times as tall as the average Japanese person (in other words, 10 feet) along the coast. Anyway, the Chinese are forced to build ships for their Mongol overlords. Since the Chinese hate the Mongols even more than they hate the Japanese (yes, it's hard to believe) they build shitty ships on purpose. So, half the Mongol fleet sinks in the sea of Japan. Any Mongols that arrived in Japan battle a bit, then go home and get sunk by a typhoon. Suckers.
* Sengoku Period (several hundred years): Won. However any faction's victory will result in victory for the Japanese as every single faction was Japanese. The badass factions were: Oda, Imagawa, Hojo, Date, Takeda, Shimazu, Uesugi, Mori, Hattori, and well, the winning faction, the Tokugawa. Some people think that the Minamoto and the Taira was still fighting at this time, but it was UNTRUE. All the factions were ruled by fucking leaders called Daimyos, and due to lack of samurai (samurai were the most awesome troops at the time) at the time, it continued for several hundred years.
* Boshin Conflict (1866-1868): Won. The Japanese soon found out that the Tokugawa regime was actually descended from people that lived on the Northern island of Ezo (now Hokkaido), so under their great great majesty, the Meiji Emperor (明治天皇), they rebelled against the Ezo-Tokugawa government. They first captured the city of Osaka using poops, then Kyoto using yaris (spear) with stinky fruits on the tips, then Mikawa by flooding it using peep, and later the capital of Japan at the time, Edo by throwing grues into it. Some Tokugawa people under the friend of shogun Yoshinobu, a guy called Etomo, escaped to their home island, Ezo and established the Ezo Republic. They later surrendered after been messed up by poop bombs during the battle of Hakodate Bay, but then rebellions occured in parts of Japan. Meiji crushed the rebellions by pooping on their leaders. The war marked the beginning of Imperial Japan, which used poop warfare in all the wars they fought.
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