abstract
| - The physical symptoms of Assburger's syndrome are few, but they include chronic constipation, leading to a back-up of faecal matter that first infects the brain and then spills out of the mouth. Incessantly. Until the sufferer dies of dehydration or is elected to public office. In the absence of such outwardly visible manifestations, Assburger's is best diagnosed by an oral/anal examination, which often involves closely questioning the patient about his (usually) or her (even worse) achievements in the sporting, sexual and sales-target arenas, their opinions about other races, religions and ethnic groups, and whether they liked the new Swedish chef album. It is the first disease that has been proven to be capable of electronic transmission, usually via the internet. It is often associated with wikiphrenia, wikipoleonic complex and obsessive-compulsive deletion. Assburger's syndrome is widely considered to be an incurable condition, though some doctors and lay people have reported varying amounts of success following the rectal insertion of an article of footwear. (The old Irish proverb "Many a man has broken his nose with a cheeseburger" is believed by some scholars to refer to early attempts to treat Assburger's).
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