About: Kyle Orton   Sponge Permalink

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Kyle Orton was never born; instead, he burst forth full grown from the forehead of the Great Whiskey God, Jack Daniels. Orton however, was too impure, and was forced to leave the divine realm of Whiskey for the land of rape and honey, better known as Iowa. He spent his first mortal years living with an unsuspecting farm family, who raised Orton as their own until he was old enough to raise his fists in the act of drinking. Orton attended high school, where he met his long-time friend and blood brother, Ricky Williams. The two met in detention – Orton was being punished for threatening to castrate his principal, while Williams was facing a death sentence for using chemicals in his chemistry class to make Crystal Meth. During this period, Williams introduced Orton to marijuana, which Orton r

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  • Kyle Orton
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  • Kyle Orton was never born; instead, he burst forth full grown from the forehead of the Great Whiskey God, Jack Daniels. Orton however, was too impure, and was forced to leave the divine realm of Whiskey for the land of rape and honey, better known as Iowa. He spent his first mortal years living with an unsuspecting farm family, who raised Orton as their own until he was old enough to raise his fists in the act of drinking. Orton attended high school, where he met his long-time friend and blood brother, Ricky Williams. The two met in detention – Orton was being punished for threatening to castrate his principal, while Williams was facing a death sentence for using chemicals in his chemistry class to make Crystal Meth. During this period, Williams introduced Orton to marijuana, which Orton r
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abstract
  • Kyle Orton was never born; instead, he burst forth full grown from the forehead of the Great Whiskey God, Jack Daniels. Orton however, was too impure, and was forced to leave the divine realm of Whiskey for the land of rape and honey, better known as Iowa. He spent his first mortal years living with an unsuspecting farm family, who raised Orton as their own until he was old enough to raise his fists in the act of drinking. Orton attended high school, where he met his long-time friend and blood brother, Ricky Williams. The two met in detention – Orton was being punished for threatening to castrate his principal, while Williams was facing a death sentence for using chemicals in his chemistry class to make Crystal Meth. During this period, Williams introduced Orton to marijuana, which Orton reluctantly tried. Orton and Williams went on to become collegiate super stars(at least Ricky), however, that is a story for a real encyclopedia. Orton took the ACT during his junior year of high school, and scored a perfect 36. When asked how he accomplished it, Orton responded, “I studied high, I took the test high, and I got high scores!” However, the fates conspired against Orton again. Despite completing high school with a 4.20 GPA, Orton was arrested for being belligerent at Bris. He was then sentenced to serve 90 days worth of community service in a random portion of Indiana.
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