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| - Carl: (sigh) ......Do I have to? Major Monogram: Carl, we hired you for a reason. Carl: Yeah, but I was having so much fun reviewing movies and video games.... MM: Well, we have other people for that! Now go on and review music! Carl: (sighs) ....But it's hard! MM: Carl, you will do what you're told, or there will be consequences. Carl: Huh? Like what? MM: (presses a button on a radio) Suzy: Pop it, lock it, polka dot it... Carl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll do it, I'll do it.... MM: Yes, that's it, back in your box. Now smile for the camera and do your job.....(laughs evilly) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, good times, good times..... Carl: (sigh) Fine. Carl: I want you to take a look at this. (a picture of Baljeet pops up with a caption that says "ROOTS") This is Baljeet's latest album. It is entitled ROOTS. ROOTS is an acronym. It stands for "Route Of Overcoming The Struggle". If that is not INSTANTLY funny to you, let me show you videos of Baljeet's career to date. Baljeet and Coltrane: Oh hot (bleep), this is my jam, keep me partying till the a.m... Phineas: Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur... Baljeet: Popping these bottles, touching these models... (switches songs) You spin my head right round, right round... Phineas and Baljeet: Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low... Carl: Yeah, you get the idea, right? I don't know what struggle he's trying to overcome, but it wasn't the one back when India wasn't an independent country. Carl: Most rappers can't stop saying their names or where they're from.... Buford: I'm from Miami.... Albert: I'm from the Empire State... Carl: But Baljeet doesn't do that, or do anything that helps him establish a clear personality. He's just a generic store brand version of a rapper. If I had to guess, I think he's from India, partly because of his accent. Carl: I heard "Low" some four thousand times in 2008, and I did the numbers and that's not mathematically possible, but yet, I can't distinguish a single lyric that's not "apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur". Carl: So, this new Baljeet song, is it about girls and expensive alcohol? Baljeet: (rapping) I own the night and I don't need no help.... Carl: (sarcastically) What a surprise. I wonder how's he gonna rhyme "bottles" with "models". Baljeet: Bottles, models, standing on chairs... Carl: I'm pretty sick of every song in the top 40 being about the (bleep) club. I hate clubs. Drinks are too expensive, music is bad. Doesn't anyone know how to throw a decent house party for once!? Carl: I love the intro music here. (the intro music of the song starts playing) Carl: (singing) I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see--(stops singing)oh wait, am I doing this wrong? Carl: And the chorus is great, especially with the female voice. Unknown female: (sings the female part in the song) Carl: (singing) You know that I can use somebody! Carl: So, if I have all these nice compliments about this song, what's the problem with it? Baljeet: (rapping) I see you Jeremy, let's go! Carl: Oh, we have to listen to Baljeet to get to the chorus. Like I said, this isn't bad, but every time Baljeet launches into a verse, my enthusiasm just fizzles out. A woman's voice: The club can't even handle me right now... Carl: (waves his hands around and starts dancing. When it gets to the Baljeet part, he slowly puts his hands down and reads a newspaper). Carl: Since this /is/ a Baljeet song, I don't see any point of analyzing the lyrics, but it's worth a shot. Baljeet: I own the night and I don't need no help, gotta be feeling that Scarface player, stuntin go wild, can't handle this plan, life of the club, arrogant like yeah... Carl:.....INCREDIBLE! Not a single line from that came close to rhyming! Carl: Well, I guess it doesn't matter that the lines had to rhyme because every Baljeet song is basically gibberish until the chorus, anyway. NO ONE CARES! (starts saying gibberish) quihuihuishdushdushushushhletterburntsign. Baljeet: You got me watching now.... Carl: Boring, BORING! I'm pretty sure that these are the exact same lines from other Baljeet songs. Does this guy know how to do ANYTHING except celebrate? Baljeet: Celebrate cause that's all I know.... Carl: Not surprised. Carl: (referring to Baljeet) Are you feeling okay, Baljeet? Are you not feeling it tonight? Maybe you should take a break. You need one. You can catch some of those TiVo'ed episodes of Spongebob. EVERY SONG YOU'VE WRITTEN IS ABOUT THE CLUB! GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Baljeet: You know who shut 'em down.... Carl: Me. I shut it down. I cannot pretend to care about this horrible song any longer. Carl: Back in 2009, Stacy asked for her name not to be credited in "Right Round", and it certainly wasn't out of shame, based on the rest of her outcome. (shows clip of Stacy singing "Blah Blah Blah") Stacy didn't want her name to be on the song because, and this is a true story, she didn't want to be associated with Baljeet because it would ruin her career. Think about that. Stacy, back when she was a complete nobody, didn't want her name on one of the biggest songs of the year because she thought being associated with Baljeet would ruin her career. And for all I know she was right! Carl: Baljeet. Taking the "star" out of "popstar" since 2008. What were we talking about again? Baljeet: You know who shut 'em down.... Love Handel: I've been running around always looking down at all I see... (episode ends)
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