| abstract
| - "I hope you get everything your karma owes you." At the time Lindsay bestowed this…curse on me. I ignored it, and later night when I had time to think about it, I laughed out loud. Literally. Karma…yeah, right. I didn't believe in karma. Seriously, who was she kidding? Up to that point, I had insulted Lashawna, read Gwen's diary out loud to the entire viewing audience, pulled Beth and Lindsay into an alliance solely because they were easy to control, treated them like slaves, and tried to get Beth eliminated when she had the gall to stand up for herself. You can also add to that getting Justin voted off for no good reason other than to protect myself, and tricking everyone into voting Trent off, while causing both him and Gwen heartbreak. Oh, and I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. I still won invincibility, even though I had conned Lindsey into building my bike for me, had her clear a path, and did so while convincing her she would be safe along with me when I had no way, and no desire, of ensuring that she would. I was invincible, again, while she, for all her loyalty and good feelings, boarded the Boat of Losers. Take that Lindsay and take that karma. Sure, she was hero among the others for what she said and probably much of the viewing audience who didn't like what I did, and, sure, I was surprised (and a bit insulted) by what she said to me, but, in the end, it didn't matter because I was moving on and she was going home. No amount sympathy, support, or cussing was going to change that fact. So, I still won. I wasn't even voted off at the next ceremony. DJ was. I was also able to get Izzy voted after that even though I'm sure everyone had a laugh at my expense because of what she did to me. I got my revenge and Duncan cleaned those disgusting stalls, and did so with Gwen's toothbrush no less. Really, where was karma now? Hell, all those losers at Resort de Loser even had the chance to vote me off. No challenge and no invincibility to protect me. And what happened? Those idiots voted Lashawna off because they were too stupid to realize what they were doing until it was too late. Well, I will say it was also because Chris intentionally screwed them over knowing full well what they were really trying to say. That was probably the only time I was glad he was the way he was. If what Lindsey said had any meaning then that should have been me walking the Dock of Shame. Instead, I made it to the final three. I'm sure people said, "Well, Heather, you didn't win, there's your bad karma right there. If you had been nicer like Owen or Gwen, you would have won." Ha! DJ, Geoff, Gwen, Trent, Lindsay, LeShawna, Cody, Bridgette, and Beth were all nice to people and they didn't win either. I made it as far as I did because of my strategy and my ability to play the game. My only mistake was not getting Gwen voted off before the final three. Owen was too easy to manipulate and he liked Gwen more than me. It was a strategical error. No more, no less. So much for me getting everything my karma owed me, eh Lindsey? …..At least…that's what I used to think. The events following Total Drama Island weren't what you'd call a happy ending for me. Wait, actually, I suppose they were for everyone who didn't like me. To them, I got what was coming to me and people told me that to my face more times then I'd care to count. I really didn't want to watch any of the episodes that aired or were rerun after I left. I had lost and I wasn't interested in ratings or entertainment. I wanted to win, plain and simple, and reliving my defeat was both irritating and a waste of time. Why watch when I knew I'd be eventually be voted off? However, I had to because my parents were pissed. Now, I'm sure it's a total and complete shocker when I say I'm a daddy's little rich girl. I knew I was. There was no shame in it for me and I exploited it for all it was worth. In the eyes of my parents, I could do no wrong. If I needed money, they'd give me that. New clothes? That too. Anything, I wanted, I got. It was certainly easier than actual parenting. If a teacher or some other person complained, they never would believe that their precious little girl could do something like that. When they saw what I did on the show…well, let's just say they finally got to see it all for themselves and they were not happy. I think what ticked them off the most was what I did to Lindsey, Trent, and Gwen. So, I was forced to sit and watch every second of every rerun. It was painful. I think they wanted it to be some kind of weird psychotherapy. I think they figured if I saw what I did, I'd realize how awful I had been and would go back to being what they thought I was. Now, I'm going to be as clear as I possible can, so that everyone out there will understand this. This includes you too, Mom and Dad. You know, in case it wasn't clear when you all watched the show. I knew full-well everything I did. Did you catch that? It was deliberate, intentional, willful, on purpose. It wasn't an accident and it's not if I didn't realize what I was doing would hurt people. I knew what I was doing to them was mean. I knew that it would hurt their feelings. I knew Gwen and Trent would be heartbroken by my trick, that Lindsey would be hurt when she found out that I using her, that I was treating her and Beth like slaves, that Justin didn't deserve to be voted off when he was, that what Izzy did was an accident, that Gwen would completely embarrassed and maybe even scarred for life as I read her diary to millions of viewers, and I knew that people would get mad and hate me for what I did. As I said many times on the show, it was strategy. You know, playing the game, just like everyone else on all those crappy American reality shows. I didn't come to make friends. I didn't come to have a big pow-wow with a bunch of losers or to have "experiences that I would remember for the rest of my life" as my Dad had said. Everyone else came for the same reason. They wanted the hundred-grand just like I did. They didn't come to make friends or have a good time any more than me. Well, except for maybe Geoff and Owen. Oh, and Cody too. He probably hoped he could meet some "ladies." And that was precisely what I told my parents, friends, and anyone else who complained about my behavior. However, they didn't buy it. They all thought I went way too far. I tried to explain to them that others did the same thing. Just look at Duncan. He threatened to beat people up in order to get them to cooperate with him. He threatened Owen in the bike race. He did the same thing to Geoff when they formed the guy's alliance and even tried to get Geoff to vote his girlfriend off. And when Geoff didn't comply, Duncan hung him from a tree. "But, that's different," they'd all say. He didn't prevent Geoff from seeing her or liking her and didn't try to sabotage their relationship. He didn't pick her because she hated him or wouldn't do what he said. He picked her solely because he knew they had a numbers problem and that she had a good shot to win. They'd talk about how he didn't pretend to be Geoff or Owen's buddy while constantly shoving knives in their backs and that he didn't read Gwen's diary to the whole world just because he could. With him, you knew what you got. With me, not so much. According to them, what Duncan did was strategy and what I did was just cruel. I thought that was crap and I told them so. Of course, it's not that I couldn't handle the insults or glares. Being the prettiest and most popular girl in school did tend to earn me those from others, but they were just jealous. They were just mad because I had a better body, more attention, and more friends. They were just a bunch of losers who wanted what I had. They wanted my looks, clothes, money, friends, boyfriends, and so on. That part I could handle. You could even say, I basked in it. I got plenty of those on the show as well and I knew they'd be coming anyway. Like I said before, I knew what I was doing. It's what came next that really ruined things for me. This was the part I didn't realize. First, as I said before, my parents were beyond ticked off at how I behaved. It shattered the image they had of their sweet little daughter. And as I also explained already, they tried to "educate" me by making me watch my behavior. If that was all it was, I could have survived it no problem. Watching yourself lose on national TV sucks, but what happened after that was much worse. I bet some of you are thinking, "Boo hoo, you had to watch yourself lose. That must have been so hard for you, Heather." However, it didn't end there. That was the easy part. Turns out, that they now believed all the stuff that teachers, scorned friends, etcetera, etcetera had said about me. I'm sure some of them were exaggerating or lying about me, but it didn't matter. In my parent's minds, all those stories were now true and my explanations and defenses were all lies, and, unfortunately for me, along with the destruction of that image came the destruction of whatever faith they had in me. If all that sweet little daughter stuff was a lie…then what else was a lie? I'm sure I'm not the first and nor will I be the last person to have their parents not trust them. I don't mean just not believing an individual story or something, but a complete and utter lack of trust. Before, I could ask them for almost anything and they'd give it to me no questions asked. Now, the default response was no, especially if it was for something they considered "non-essential." "You'll have to do with what you have" and "it's punishment for lying to us and what you did to the others on that show." At first, I hated it simply because it prevented me from getting what I wanted. I was angry that they wouldn't give me money for clothes or shoes or whatever else I wanted and I…uh…made it known. I was entitled to it; I deserved it as their daughter. Unfortunately, it went deeper than that. For the times that I made it past no, they'd grill me endlessly about it. It felt like I was on trial and that they were the lawyers examining me to see if they could find some sort of lie; that whatever I said was false and it was just a matter of finding the lie. It was so bad that even when my father asked me if had picked up bread from the store and I said yes, he immediate looked to see if was really there. That was how far I'd fallen in their eyes. It hurt. It really did. Despite what I've being saying and the way I've been bad mouthing them this entire time, I do care what they think. I just don't think I realized it until now; when all they could think of when they saw me was the awful things I did. I suppose that times like these are when people go to their friends for comfort or something like that. I tried that to, though I really didn't go to them for comfort. I think what I really wanted was the chance to be the queen bee again; a place where things were as they used to be. But…I didn't even have that. As the stuff with my parents was going on, my so-called friends were abandoning me too. They told me it was because of what I did to Lindsey. They all began to wonder if they were any different or was I just using them like I used her. Was I just being nice to them while at the same time waiting in the bushes to shove a dagger in their back? They even cited some of the times I'd done that to others. I told them that it was not true and that all that they saw on the show was strategy. I said that they could even check out the video diaries. I was upfront about what that was. They'd just come back and tell me that I wasn't upfront to Lindsey and that I had convinced her we were BFF. Well, duh! If I had said that much she'd never have joined the alliance with me. So then they'd ask how could they be sure it wasn't the same with them? Again, duh! This is different, this isn't some stupid reality show, but they'd just go back to those time where I had done it to someone else and said that they now saw the real me and that the real me sucked. "We can't trust you anymore, Heather." "Why should believe what you say, you're just using us like you used Lindsey." Then…they left. Not all of them left at the same time. There were a few who managed to believe at least some of what I said, but when that was combined with the fact that I was a national pariah because of what I had done on Total Drama Island, they left too. They were afraid of being associated with me. In the past, I had lost friends in ways similar to how I had lost Lindsey. I had the same done to me as well. I was always able to find other friends and my status as the most popular girl remained. That status also helped me cast off all of the hatred that came with that position. I had always managed to make new friends and replace them with someone else, but I couldn't do that this time. Total Drama Island had been a bigger hit than even someone like Chris MacClean could have imagined, which meant everyone knew about it or at least knew someone that did. In other words, there was almost no one who didn't know what I did. I had no credibility with anyone and no had chance of convincing anyone around me otherwise Everyone had abandoned me. I had gone on that show to be a celebrity and now I was. I got my wish. I just never imagined it would be like this. I'd rather have been a nobody. I'm ready for all the "Boo hoo, you got what you deserved, Heather" comments. I have access to the internet too, you know, and I know what people have written and said about me. I've seen the stories and the drawings, and all the nasty comments about how much people hate me. You know what? I don't care that so many people hate me. At least, that what I wish I could say. Before all this happened, I didn't. I couldn't have cared less, but now… It's not so much that I care about what a bunch of strangers think, as it is a reminder of what I used to have. I missed being popular and having the adoration, respect (not matter how faked or phony), and jealousy. I mattered and I was important. People knew who I was and knew to stay out of my way. Now? People still know who I am, but I no longer mattered and I was no longer important. I was a despised reality show has-been. You'd think after all this that I'd have learned my lesson, although I'm sure many of the haters think I'm a lost cause who could never actually get it. Actually, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, that's not too far off. At first, I thought they were just a bunch of idiots who didn't know what they were talking about and that I'd find new friends and ride my new found fame to something better than losers like them. When that didn't happen, I got even angrier, wondering what was wrong with everyone and why were they all being so stupid. I didn't fully understand what really happened and what I needed to do until something unexpected happened at school. I had arrived at the usual time to find several of the more popular students (most of them were former friends) surrounding someone. They looked like they were picking on someone. I snuck up to see what was going on, glad the stares, taunts, and comments were directed at someone besides me, and saw someone I immediately recognized from Total Drama Island. At the time, I thought karma or, God, or whatever, was just deciding to really pile it on. I mean, hadn't they already put me through enough misery? Seriously, what were the odds that Ezekiel's prairie people farm was anywhere near me? I mean, come on! Anyway, they were making all sorts of insults about the island because his sheltered life had made him look like a know-nothing fool on national television. Oh, and they were also ripping him for the rapper look he'd tried to pull off at the resort, which, by the way, he was still wearing. I admit, I had to agree with them. He did look stupid and unenlightened on the island and looked even stupider in that rapper wannabe getup. He shouldn't have been wearing it if he couldn't pull it off. The old me would have been laughing right along with them. Hell, I'd have been the one leading it. Instead, I first thought about just sneaking away, knowing full well they'd lump me in with him if they noticed me. It's not that I was afraid of them, I just didn't want to put up with those losers anymore. I had had enough of that a long time ago. But, for the first time, I couldn't just join in, ignore it, or pretend like it wasn't my problem. I knew first hand how much it sucked as I was in basically the same position at this point. So, I went it, pulled him out, and told every single one of them off. It was sorta…my own Lindsey moment. I'm still serving detentions for some of the language I used. They may hate me, glare at me, ignore me, talk trash behind my back, but they still didn't mess with me. I never let people walk over me before and even though my life was hell, I wasn't going to let them do it now. The bizarre thing was, he was grateful for what I did, despite the fact I was who I was. He didn't complain or say "Oh, it's you, no thanks." He'd probably still had a chance of being somewhere besides the bottom of the social totem pool, but there was no shot of that after I was the one who'd rescued him. And, yet, he was still grateful. I think it'd been a long time since I'd felt anything like that. That is when I got it. He was grateful because I had done something nice and stood up for him. This was not the fake, kiss-ass praise I'd received for most of my life or some jerk acting nice to get something else. It was truly, bottom of the heart genuine. So, being…nice, did pay off. And you know what, it felt…well, nice. It was nice to have a friend again. It was also around that time that I received the invitation for Owen's party. Yeah, it took him that long to plan it. He couldn't hold it during the school year so he decided to make it some kind of Christmas thing. When he had announced it on the island, I had no intention of going. These guys weren't my friends and as far I was concerned because I didn't win, the whole thing was a wash. After all this…I decided maybe I would go and see if I could salvage my relationships with the other campers like I had with Ezekiel. Yes, I know they hate me, but I still think there is something there. It's like some kinda bizarre camaraderie that can only come from being physically and mentally abused by Chris MacClean. In fact, I've got just the thing for that party. I now see and understand what Lindsey meant, and I did get what was coming to me. But now that I've learned my lesson, it's time for someone else to learn theirs. It's time for me, or rather us, to show Chris that karma's a bitch.
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)