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| - Doug: (deep voice) Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs!" (the title appears in hand-drawn letters) Today, That Guy looks at what happens when you take cleanliness and mix it with the worst images of your nightmares. Sit back, and enjoy. (hisses like Hannibal Lecter as music and visuals fade) Doug: Avis Films, making your letters look phallic for 69 years! We also did the Little Mermaid poster. (fade through black to the title: "Soapy the Germ Fighter") And professional abuse counselor, but, uh, (chuckles) you don't want to know about that. Doug: Boy, Mrs. Bishop really built herself up, didn't she? If she's so smart, how come she didn't get her title cards straight? Doug: Whoops! We accidentally put in Jeffrey Jones' private videos! Female narrator: Billy Martin is one of the nicest boys in our town. He's one of the cleanest boys, too. Doug: (slightly startled by the abruptness of the cut) D'ah! He's also a good teleporter. Female narrator: Billy has always been a nice boy. Doug: (as Billy, sounding nervous) I'm a nice boy, I'm a nice boy! Female narrator: (as Billy examines his hands) But he hasn't always been so clean. Female narrator: As a matter of fact, for a long time, Billy's parents worried about him. (Billy's mother grabs his hands and looks at them closely, much to his embarrassment and shame) They didn't worry just because Billy got dirt on his hands and face. (Billy's mother looks at and feels his face, which is also covered in dirt) Doug: They worried because he punched girls, for no apparent reason. Female narrator: They knew that a boy is bound to get dirty when he's playing cowboy and runs into a bandit down by the corral. Doug: (as Billy) Stick 'em up... stick! Female narrator: Billy's parents did worry, because he was so careless about washing when he should have washed. (Billy's father notices Billy's hands and calls him over to examine) He had to be reminded almost every time. And even then, he didn't do a very good job. (Billy's father points him away from the table to wash himself; Billy leaves) Doug: (as Billy's father) The testicle grinder. (as Billy; whiny voice) Oh, no! No, please, nooooo! (as Billy's father) Yes, yes, the testicle grinder! You've been warned. Female narrator: The trouble was, Billy had the wrong idea about being clean. Billy: (grudgingly) Wash, wash, wash! They just want me to be a sissy! Doug: (as Billy) I bet Howie Mandel never had to put up with this! Female narrator: But then, one night, Billy had a dream. At least, I guess it was a dream. Doug: Whoever I am. Billy: (voiceover) I bet cowboys don't wash all the time. Doug: Well, they couldn't stink any more than Cowboys vs. Aliens. Unseen voice: But you're wrong, Billy. Doug: (as Billy) Holy hell, what the... Unseen voice: It's not sissy to be clean. Doug: (as Billy) The flying fuck...? Billy: (lifting his head from the bed) Who said that? Who's there? Unseen voice: I did. One of your best friends. Let me introduce myself. Soapy: Soapy's the name, partner. Billy: Why, you're a living cake of soap! Soapy: Big as life, Billy, and I'm here to help you. (Doug finally stops screaming) I can help you, partner. That's just the trouble. Doug: How does it eat?! How does it breathe?! WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!? Soapy: So many boys and girls don't understand what a good friend I can be. So I'd like to show you. May I? Doug: Don't let him show you anything, Billy! Billy: Why, yes, I... Soapy: Well, then, just lie down and close your eyes. (Billy starts doing so) Doug: No, no! Stop! Don't do it! It's a trap! Soapy: (as Billy lies down and closes his eyes) That's right. Doug: He's gonna clean you in places you don't want to be cleaned! Soapy: Now, what do you see? Doug: (as Soapy) Is it the flaming fires of Hell? Billy: Why, I see a cowboy. Doug: A cow-senior citizen is more like it. Billy: He's washing up. Soapy: That's right. There's nothing sissy about that cowboy, is there? (the cowboy now washes his face and the back of his neck) He's a bronco buster. He rides wild horses. Doug: (as cowboy) Oh god! All that soap made me too slippery! I'm gonna slip off this thing! I can't control it! HELP ME, FRANK! I'M THE WORST BRONCO BUSTER EVER! Soapy: Well, Billy, you and I must tame animals more dangerous than bucking broncos. Doug: (as Soapy) The Russians! Soapy: I help you control animals that can make you sick. Doug: (as Soapy) Con goers! Soapy: Now, close your eyes again, (Billy lies down again) and I'll show you. Soapy: The animals I help you control are called disease germs. Doug: (snickering) "Disease germs"? What the hell? Soapy: They are so tiny, you can't see them, except with a microscope, like this man is using. Doug: (as Soapy) Or a "person man", as I like to call him. Soapy: Disease germs are dangerous. Doug: (as Soapy) Disease germs look a lot like Chips Ahoy cookies. Soapy: And many of them get inside of you, and they can be on almost anything that children touch or handle, even on... Soapy: ...things that look clean. Doug: (as Soapy) Like this doll toy... Doug: ...or this letter mail, or this plane plane, or this... cash register that's outside for some reason. Soapy: If you get disease germs on your hands, and then put your hands in your eyes... Doug: (as Soapy) You might as well bury yourself; death is imminent. Soapy: ...or in your mouth, those disease germs can get inside of you. (boy puts his hand in his mouth) Doug: (snickers) "Disease germs" – that's as repetitive as Manos: Hands of Fate! Soapy: But you and I can kill most of the germs on your hands so they can't make you sick, if we work as partners. So be a germ fighter with me. Learn good hand habits. Doug: (as Soapy) Like touching me below the belt. (as Billy) What?! (as Soapy) Nothing! Soapy: Boys and girls should wash their hands often, especially at certain times. Wash your hands before doing anything that has to do with foods... Doug: (as Soapy; sinister whisper) Wash them until they bleed! Soapy: Before setting the table... Doug: (as Billy) You know, Soapy, my mom said never to talk to strangers. (as Soapy) Ah, but did she ever say never talk to humanistic, talking bars of animal fat? (as Billy) No. (as Soapy) Then shut up! Soapy: Before eating, at any time... Doug: (as Soapy) Wash your hands even after you're done washing your hands. Doug: (as Soapy) And then wash them again, and again, and again, until the only disease germ left is YOUR ROTTING SOUL! Soapy: Wash your hands after doing anything that gets them very dirty... Doug: (as Soapy) Like burying a dead prostitute, after a night of violent drinking. Doug: (as Billy) Mr. Soapy, you're starting to scare me! (as Soapy) I have a past, Billy, and you will indulge me in listening to it. Take your head out from under that pillow! (a punching sound is heard) Soapy: After playing games... Soapy: After playing with animals... Doug: (as girl) Ah! Ahh! He's trying to chew my brains out! Ahhh!! Soapy: And especially, after going to the toilet. Doug: (as Soapy) Mr. Feces, the Constipation Fighter, will talk more in detail about this one. Soapy: You and I can be partners in other clean habits, Billy. Doug: (as Soapy) Like smuggling people for slave labor. Soapy: And of course, you should take a bath or shower each time you've been working or playing hard. You should wash your hair often. Boys can do it easily, (Doug snickers, probably at the way Billy washes his hair) each time they take a bath or shower. Doug: (as Soapy) Don't think I won't be watching. Soapy: Girls should wash their hair at least once every two weeks. Doug: (as Billy) Boy, you're pretty lenient on the girls there, aren't you? (as Soapy) They're not as dirty as the penised ones. Soapy: You can see, Billy, that I am your partner, but you have other health friends. Doug: (as Soapy) I said, "You have other health frie–" (Cut, right then, to a health department building) Thank you. Soapy: Every community has a health department, just as it has a fire department or a police department. Doug: (as Soapy) Or a brothel. Soapy: And one of your best friends is the health officer. (health officer takes out a notebook and examines it) He's a germ fighter, too. Doug: (as health officer) Hmm... "12:15: Stand and look at my notebook". Soapy: Health officers fight germs in many ways. Doug: (as Soapy) Like drinking Johnnie Walker Red on the rocks. Soapy: They know how to look for germs. This health officer is testing a drinking glass from your school cafeteria. Doug: He discovered that it had several traces of Mr. Bungle urine. Soapy: And now a health officer checks the cafeteria windows, to be sure that flies can't get in. Flies carry dangerous germs on their feet. Doug: (as Soapy) To demonstrate, here are some cows. Soapy: Health laws say that food must be clean. Health officers must see that cows are clean and healthy, so their milk will not have germs. Doug: (as health officer) You can't wait to be slaughtered, can you, little fella? Soapy: Another health officer, the meat inspector, makes sure that meat is clean and safe. (the inspector presses a marking iron on the meat, leaving a mark) The mark shows that this meat is clean. Doug: Except for the dirty iron he just put on there. Soapy: But health officers can't do everything for you. You must be your own health officer, Billy. Doug: (as Soapy) You must sanitize the world! Soapy: As germs can get inside of you through your mouth, be sure that food is clean before you eat it. Doug: (as Soapy) Wash the food thirty times before your hour-and-a-half-long hand-scrubbing. Soapy: Be sure that dishes are clean before you use them for food. Doug: (as Billy) Well, lucky for me only women do that. (as Soapy) Indeed, Billy. Let's pray they never grow wise. Soapy: Never take a bite from someone else's food. (the first boy breaks his cookie and gives the uneaten half to the other boy) That's right... Doug: Oh, yeah! Soapy: Break off the piece... Doug: Oh, yes! Soapy: ...to share your cookie. Doug: Oh, share that cookie, you dirty little beast! Soapy: And keep food covered, safe from flies when you eat outside. Remember, flies carry dangerous germs on their feet. Doug: It's almost as if you've said that already. Soapy: When you drink at a fountain, keep your mouth away from the nozzle. Doug: (as Soapy) Make sure it goes directly into your nose. Soapy: And there's one more important thing, Billy: your clothes. Doug: (as Soapy) Lose 'em! Soapy: A cowboy wears working clothes when he's out on the range, because he gets dusty and dirty. Soapy: But when he's ready to go into town, after I've helped him wash up... Doug: You what?? Soapy: ...he puts on his clean clothes. Doug: (as cowboy) Thank God that man in the soap costume helped me clean my nether regions! (chuckles) I should ask questions more. Soapy: Children get dusty and dirty when they play games. You should wear old clothes when you play. Doug: (as Soapy) Like your dead brother's jacket. (beat) ...Too soon? Soapy: But when you're through playing, when you've cleaned up for dinner, you should change to clean clothes. Doug: (as Soapy) Use mother's brush to confuse society. Soapy: You see, Billy, being clean in every way is an important part of being healthy, and being healthy is an important part of being happy. Billy: I see that now, Soapy. You are a good friend and partner. Soapy: That's right. Doug: (as Soapy) Is it okay if tell people that we're partners? Soapy: Well, so long. So long, partner, and don't forget... Doug: (as Soapy, who disappears) Tonight, you'll be haunted by three ghosts! Billy: I won't, Soapy. Female narrator: And Billy didn't forget. He's one of the cleanest boys in our town now. Doug: (as Billy; nervously) Gotta keep clean, gotta keep clean! Giant soap will kill me! Female narrator: He's one of the healthiest. (Billy dries himself) And certainly, he's one of the happiest. Doug: (as Billy; nervously) Heh-heh... Oh, god... Doug: Is there a therapist for soap-related trauma in the audience?
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