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| - Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's nothing like an environmental film, is there? That is to say, there's nothing more... Cut to clips from Ferngully; music from the film plays. NC (voice-over): ...preachy, annoying, or obnoxiously pretentious as an environmental film, is there? NC: Of course there isn't, and that's why I'm taking a look at 20th Century Fox's latest animation fuck-up since... (music fades as he tries to come up with an answer) ...well, anything their animation studio has produced, really: NC (v/o): Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. NC: And, boy, have I got some words to say about... Voice (v/o, interrupting): HEY! NC (looking up): What? What was that? Cut to The Nostalgia Chick (that voice) in a different location (sans bow-tie). Nostalgia Chick: That was ME, you plagiarist! NC: Nostalgia Chick? What the hell do YOU want? NCh: You can't make fun of Ferngully; I was gonna make fun of that! NC: Hey, too bad, Chick; (pointing at himself) I got dibs! NCh: (scoffs) You don't have the brainpower to understand the level of bullshit this movie amounts to. NC: Why? I put up with it from YOUR end every couple of weeks. Cut to NCh. NCh (with a steely look on her face): Say that again... NC: Oh, you mean what I just said about you constantly spewing bullshit every time you speak? Certainly. (clears his throat) Uh, "I" - that's me (points to himself), the person right in front of you - uh, put "up" (points upward) - that's a direction - with "it"... NC (v/o): ...that being your bullshit (almost chuckles)... Cut to NC. NC: ..."from YOUR end" - I, uh... (chuckle) not even gonna go there - "every couple of weeks" - that is a period of time. Is that slow enough for you? NCh: Well, why don't you come over here and say that face-to-face to me, big shot? NC: I got a better idea! Why don't YOU come up HERE and make ME say it to YOUR face? Go ahead, try it! You don't have the... NC (in strained voice): Wait a minute, wait a minute... (Metallica fades out) we're losing focus of the REAL evil here. NCh: You're right. (he lets go of her and sighs) This isn't about us; this is about (turns to the camera) an awful movie. NC: A god-awful movie that deserves to be ripped a new one. NCh (turns back to NC): What do you say? Truce? (extends out her right hand) NC: (he shakes it) Truce. NC: So the film begins as most epics do: with a flashback. NCh (from the floor): Bastard. NC: Bitch. Cut to movie clips describing what's said below. NC (v/o): They tell us that Ferngully used to be a peaceful forest of waving hands, where everybody was happy and peaceful all the time. NC (looking at her): Need any help there? NCh: Yes. (Note: from this point, NCh is likely kneeling at the table so that she stays in the shot. Also, both will face the camera unless noted) NC: Good. NC (v/o): But then, the plot device known as Hexxus arrived, an evil spirit who wanted to spread chaos all over the land. NCh (v/o): But then... Cut to battle scenes from Lord of the Rings. NCh (v/o): ...an alliance of men and elves march against the armies of Hexxus, putting that bunghole in his place. NC (v/o): Uh, wrong movie. NCh (v/o): Oh. Cut to Ferngully clips. NC (v/o): Instead, they use some sort of winged-magic bullshit that helped defeat the evil Hexxus and bring life back to Ferngully. And one of those examples of life is Tinkerbell's slutty sister here, Crysta. NCh (left elbow on table, left palm on her face): Crysta, what a charming name. It's like the name a WASP family would give their child to make them sound unique. NC (looks at her): You mean, like Ferngully? NCh: Yeah. NC (back at camera): Yeah. Cut to movie clips. NCh (v/o): So she spends most of her time flying around with other fairies while listening to bad late-'80s/early-'90s music. NC (v/o): Which you'd ironically hear in The Rainforest Cafe. NCh (v/o): Are all rainforests filled with Phil Collins wannabes? Cut to a Phil Collins' video for "Strangers Like Me" from Tarzan NC (v/o): All except Tarzan. They were unfortunate enough to get the REAL Phil Collins. Cut to Ferngully clip. Two Cassowary guards jump into view with their necks crossed. Cassowary Guard 1 (in thick British accent): 'Alt! Who goes there? Cut to NC and NCh; he's surprised, and she's like, "Really?" Cut to Ferngully. Guard 2 (mugging the camera): Hi, Crysta! Guard 1: OK, what's the password? NC: "Welcome to hell"? NCh: "Don't eat 'shrooms"? Cut to Ferngully. Crysta: Oh, come on, you guys! Guard 1: Is that the password? Oop... sounds good! Crysta: Bye! (she flies past the guards) Guard 2: "Bye"! That's it! That's the password! Guard 1: Well, I don't know if that's the password or not! I'm so confused! NC (looks a bit pissed): I'm annoyed. NCh: Don't worry. We don't see them again. NC: Good. NCh (v/o): So she visits a mystical something-or-other named Magi, who kind of looks like Yoda's senile German grandmother. Crysta: I don't know! It looked like a strange black cloud rising out of the earth. Magi: Smoke, I should think. Crysta: What's smoke? NC: Gee, is this that naive and dangerous of all animals known as... Both: MAAAAAAANNNN??? NCh (v/o): She shows Crysta that if trouble does come and ruin everything, that the secret to all growth isn't water, light, or the ability to create your own food: it's MAGIC. NC: But wait a minute; what about photosynthesi- NCh (interrupts him and waves him off): Magic. NC (briefly looks at her): What about the science that goes behi- NCh (does it again): Magic. NC: What about the years of research th- NCh: MAGIC, DAMN YOU! (punches him; he falls back out of shot) Don't you EVER try to bring logic into this movie again! THIS IS FERNGULLY, BITCH! NCh (v/o): And speaking of impending danger, Robin Williams is in the movie, too, playing a fruit bat named Batty, which is another weird name. Isn't that kind of like calling a human "Humany"? NC (v/o): He's a little out of it because his mind was altered by EVIL, scientific experiments that makes comic relief much more annoying that they need to be. Batty: (unintelligible) Testing Laborato- (gets shocked) Nnnnn-NO! Pass the probe. (collects himself) Graduate students, all gather forw- (is zapped again) NC: I'm annoyed again. NCh: We ALL are. (smiles) Batty: I just blew in from a biology lab! I'm back, and I'm flapping free! (quick shot of NC looking horrified and NCh looking sad) I'm a nocturnal placental flying mammal, (back to movie) a member of the family of pterodidae or "ptero-didn't-I." (chuckles; shot of NC and NCh with WTF expressions; back to movie) If you can't tell, I'm a BAT! (zapped again; shot of pissed NC and NCh looks as if to say, "Damn...") Yes, I am. And they used to (back to movie) call me Batty... Batty Koda. Nice to meet you. (goes to shake Crysta's hand; cut to pissed NC and an "EWWW!"-looking NCh) Bonjour! (back to movie; Crysta giggles) NC (looking at NCh): You know how Robin Williams is both funny AND annoying? It's like they took away the funny and just replaced it with more annoying! NCh: Well, it's not like he could get any MORE annoying. Batty: (rapping) [Yep. - ed.] Yo, the name is Batty / The logic is erratic (he indicates he's loco)... Both: Ohhhhhhh.... he raaaaapppsss... [NCh throws in a few "westside" signs, maybe? - ed.] NC: Yeah. YOU review it. (quickly tries to leave screen left) NCh: Unh-uhn. (She holds him down by his left arm. The two then try to leave while holding the other back; this is all sped up. They also argue a bit with NC saying, "You review it," and NCh pleading, "I don't WANT to!" - among other things.) Cut to movie clips. NCh (v/o): So, yeah, listening to Robin Williams rap is kind of, like, listening to... NCh (v/o): Eminem sung by... NCh (v/o): M&Ms while taking part in... 'NCh (v/o): S&M. NC (counting off): Annoying, bad for you, and INCREDIBLY painful. (NCh nods) NC (v/o): So Batty says he's spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is... Wait a minute. Mount Warning? NC (looks at NCh): Isn't that in Australia? NCh: Yep. NC (looks at NCh): Is their a rainforest in any kind of danger? NCh: (wiggles her fingers and tilts her head) Eeeeehhhhhhh.... (as if to say, "Not really") NC (yelling): Then why is it called "The Last Rainforest"?? NCh (leaning into the camera): Well, Mr. Critic... (NC looks confused) NCh (v/o): One must ask one's self: where (a red question mark zooms in over the map) is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people? NC (v/o): Central America? NCh (v/o): No. NC (v/o): Africa? NCh (v/o): (scoffs) Yeah, right. NC (v/o): New Guinea? NCh (v/o): Getting warmer. NC (v/o): Ohhhh.... NC (v/o): Australia! NCh (v/o): Now you got it! NCh (v/o): Technically, they could've just made up a location; but I guess the movie wanted SOME credibility. Now, you COULD say that it's not a great idea to try and impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies... NCh: But, hey, it's for kids; and kids are stupid enough to buy anything. NC: Now I know! NCh: (at the camera) And knowing is half the battle. NC (v/o): So Crysta follows Batty to where he spotted the humans. Batty: Yeah, this territory looks kinda familiar. Come on, you got a great set of wings! NC: (imitating Batty) And that's not the ONLY thing you got a great set of! Hoho! (NCh looks at him blankly, so he looks at her. In normal voice:) Oh, come on; why do you think he's flying behind her? NCh (v/o): So we comes across a blond, mullet-youth named Zak, who's helping other Australians with no accents chop down the trees of their beloved rainforest. NC (v/o): Faster than you can say, "It's not the size that counts," Zak is shrunken down to the size of a fairy. Batty (carrying Zak while flying): A human!! Crysta (flying alongside Batty): A tree!!! NCh: What is with this running blindness gag? He's a fruit bat; fruit bats aren't blind! NC (v/o): While he's passed out unconscious, the little mugger in Crysta rummages through his pockets to see what she can find. NCh (v/o, as Crysta): Hmm, maybe I can cut off this root in his crotch area. Zak: Take anything you want! I won't tell the cops! NC: Trust me, I'm NOT gonna tell anyone I was mugged by a fairy. (after looking at him, NCh smirks at the camera) Deep male voice of Tone Lōc: Check this out. Goanna [A lizard several times larger than Zak with blue skin, orange underbelly, yellow legs, black claws, and a few black stripes]: (rapping to some light early-'90s hip-hop/R&B) I've a basic inclination... NC (v/o): Oh, I'm sorry, we seemed to have entered into a completely different movie. Goanna: (chasing Zak, who runs into a snail; still rapping) I just can't control this hunger... (chomps at a tree) on my ravenous consumption. Goanna: (rapping) You're a welcome little snack. Goanna: (singing) If I'm gonna eat somebody, (cut to NC and NCh, who make different WTF faces every second) it might as well be you. (movie voices say "Ribbit!" and "Uh-oh!"; back to movie, where Goanna tries to eat Zak) I can see you as a sandwich (cut to NC and NCh making more faces) or a strange, exotic (back to movie) stew. NC: I mean, I (stammering)... WHAT IS this character?!?! NC (v/o): He just comes out of nowhere, singing this kind of sexual song about how he's gonna eat Zak. I mean, what's the point??? NCh: Ohhhhhh....... (She gets what happened here, but NC looks at her confusedly.) It's a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment. Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! NC: What's a... Big-Lipped Alligator Moment? Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! NC: I mean, THAT'S not an alligator; it's a... (struggles to understand what that creature was) ...THAT'S not an alligator! NCh (patting NC's head): You stupid sack of shit. Cut to clips from All Dogs Go to Heaven, which illustrate NCh's point. NCh (v/o): Perhaps you don't remember the "big-lipped alligator" scene from All Dogs Go to Heaven. This is named after the random musical number sung by a big-lipped alligator towards the end of the film: a scene that comes right the fuck out of nowhere; has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot; is WAY over-the-top in terms of ridiculousness, even within the context of the movie; and, after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again. NC: Ohhh! Like... NC (v/o): The Dancing Fire Gang from Labyrinth, the pink elephants from Dumbo, the creepy-ass tunnel scene from Willy Wonka... [the original - ed.] NCh (v/o): That's right! NC: And now, THIS festering pile of pointlessness! NCh: (in an almost-childish voice) Yes, Critic, (pinches his left cheek) you're learning a LOT today! NC: I AM! (cut to him looking at the camera in close-up with a cheesy look on his face) I really am. NC (v/o): Well, after that bit of nothing, our two main characters finally introduce themselves to one another. Zak: I'm Zak. (extends out his right hand in a handshake pose) Crysta: I'm Crysta. (she does the same) NC: Pleased to fuck you! I mean, meet you! (NCh looks away from him) NCh (v/o): Crysta shows Zak around the forest while those pesky, stupid humans foolishly unleash the monster Hexxus, played by Tim Curry, from his wooden prison. He then works his way into their radio where he tells the workers to head out and destroy Ferngully. Hexxus: You're going to Ferngully, and I want you there by morning. (as he speaks, black smoke comes out of the speaker) NC: Didn't our boss used to be a woman? NCh: (in a near-Brooklyn accent) When did she turn into a British guy? NC (v/o): We then hear Hexxus (quick breath in, then speaks imitating Hexxus) ...mmm, sing about how he LOVES pollution and how he considers their relationship toxic love. Hexxus: (singing) [like Dr. Frank-N-Furter, almost - ed.] Sliiime beneath me, mmm, sliiime up above! Mmm. You'll love my... (locks himself in a chamber of some sort) toxic lo-o-o-ve! NC: (singing to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite", with the instrumental playing in the background) I'm just a cheap to-xi-cite... from transsexual... Toxic-va-ni-aaaaaaaaa!!! NC (v/o): (still singing) I'm just a cheap... (At this point, we hear accordion music being played.) NC: (still singing and "dancing"):...toxicite... (We then see NCh enter from screen right, playing said accordion) ...from trans-sexual... (trailing off when he finally notices her. She stops playing; brief pause and blank face from NC) NCh: Did that make any sense? NC: No. NCh: Are you ever going to mention it again? NC: Probably not. NCh: (raises right fist in triumph) Big-Lipped Alligator Moment! Weird voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! (NCh plays a flourishing chord, and THAT startles him.) NCh (v/o): So Crysta and Zak sit and talk more about how the rainforest is good and humans are the devil. Crysta: But trees give LIFE! They...they make the clouds, the rain, the AIR! Zak: I've got air! Batty (hanging upside down): Yeah, if you don't mind getting all your minerals in one breath. (coughs) Both: TOO SUBTLE!! Cut to Ferngully. Crysta: Don't you miss talking to the forest? Zak: Huh, what does it say? Crysta: (as music plays underneath) Well, listen. Raffi (singing): It's raining like magic... NC: Oh, it sounds like a crappy pop song! Cut to Ferngully. Zak: Yeah? That sounds cool. Crysta: No, usually, it's warm. Zak: Nah, nah, "cool" means hot. You know, "bodacious," "bad,' "tubular"? As in, "You are one BODACIOUS babe." NCh: And other 1992 catchphrases. NC (v/o): To show his, um, sudden romantic interest in Crysta, he carves her name into a tree, which is a Ferngully no-no. Crysta: No, no, you mustn't DO that! (She takes his hand and places it over her carved name.) Here. (pauses) Can't you hear its pain? NCh: Its nervous system is screaming in agony! NC: We need 10cc's of penicillin, STAT! NCh (v/o): So Crysta introduces Zak to the rest of the Keebler elves as they all analyze her new friend. The Elder: Somehow, I thought they'd be... uh, BIGGER. Crysta: Well, uh, I had a little accident; and he sort of shrank? NC: I have some pills for that! (NCh's eyes look towards him as she gives a "Really?" look.) Not that I need any. NCh (v/o): Things don't go well when one of the fairies is threatened because HE used to be the most feminine male, which results in - what else? - a cock contest. Pips (the threatened fairy): Why don't you come with me and the boys? We'll give you a taste of REAL Ferngully wildlife... unless, of course, you're not up to it. Zak (swatting him back): I'm up to anything you can dish out, BUD. Zak: It's my stereo (as he climbs on top of it). Pips: Look, I found it, so I'll explain it, alright? Zak: It's a recording... OF MUSIC! NCh: Huh, WOW, Zak; way to "inexpensive copyright" your way out of THIS song. Cut to Ferngully as we see Zak lead Crysta into dancing along with THAT song, Guy's cover of "Land of a Thousand Dances." Guy: (singing) Long Tall Sally... NCh (v/o): I'll teach HIM to move in on my girlfriend/possible sister. The Elder: Well, I don't KNOW what a recording is; but I know what MUSIC is, and that is NOT music! (putting his fingers in his ears as Zak gives a "Whatever!" look) NC: (as The Elder) Isn't that right, (quick shot of Jasmine from Aladdin) Jasmine? (and back, as he stammers) I mean, (image of...) Crysta. (and back) Maybe we should consult the (shot of the genie from Aladdin) genie! (and back, as he stammers) I mean, (shot of...) Batty! (and back) After all, that IS why I'm (shot of... you got it) Sultan! (and again...) I mean, (shot OF...) King! (and back!) Eh... (long pause) Which animated movie am I in again? Cut to Ferngully. Crysta: Come on, Zak. (she leads him back into the forest as the rest of the fairies stay where they are) Pips: See ya around, Zag. NC: Allow me to mispronounce your name to express my disrespect for you. NC (v/o): But Crysta steals him away and takes him to what looks like under Three Mile Island, where they have a rather strange, romantic moment. Sheena Easton (singing): Someday, you might be thinking... that life has passed you by... Sheena Easton (singing): Your spirits might be sinking... Sheena Easton (singing): With hope in short supply... NCh: Now, you're pregnant. NCh (v/o): Even though Zak and Crysta were gone for just a few minutes, Crysta arises to discover the fastest tearing-down of trees in world history. (as Crysta) Oh, if only we weren't so busy having fairy sex! Crysta: (looking over the desolate land) Humans did it. Humans did it all. Cut to a clip from The Lord Of The Rings. Treebeard (the Ent): A wizard should know better! (screams) Cut to Ferngully clips again. NCh (v/o): So the fairies gather together and decide that the ONLY thing to do is... um... THIS: NC: What are they doing? NCh: I don't know. NC: Are they changing from "mint flavor" to "raspberry fresh"? NCh: I have no clue. NC (v/o): Look out! It's the plot! (the tree crashes to the ground) Well, whatever they did, it all seems to center around Crysta as she's apparently the magical leader of the tribe now. NCh: (waving HER arms) This constant waving of my arms isn't WORKING! Batty (as John Wayne): Well, alright, Gummy, we're goin' to war! NC (v/o): Oh, yeah, 'cause EVERY kid will understand the John Wayne reference! (Hexxus' chainsaw starts slicing into the forest's main tree shaded red [I assume - ed.]) Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were saying that pollution and toxins were a BAD thing! NCh (v/o): So Zak breaks into the machine and figures out that the only way to turn off this leviathan is to TURN OFF THE LEVIATHAN. NC: (after a few seconds) Well, that was... disappointingly simple. (NCh's eyes look over at him as she gives a weird expression) Cut to movie clips. NC (v/o): It doesn't even make sense. If he FEEDS off of pollution, what was he feeding on BEFORE the humans came along? The asses of cows?! NCh (v/o): But don't worry. Through the magic of... just magic, I guess, Hexxus regenerates himself and comes back to life. (as a big black skeleton) THAT makes sense! Batty: They're NUMB from the brain down. NC (v/o): But she gets out her magic "bean" that turns the Dark Lord into a Chia Pet for some reason; and thus, all order is restored to Ferngully. Zak is transformed back to his normal size where he'll go home forgetting about how to save the environment, just like everyone else who watched this movie. NC: (imitating Zak) YAY! I'm back to my normal size! Except... (looks down inside his pants) NOOOOOOOO! (sobs) NC (v/o): This movie is AWFUL. It made NO sense, it made NO money, and it made us wanna chop down as many eucalyptus trees as possible! I think my BIGGEST problem with this movie is that, while they're TRYING to tell us to save the rainforests and not cut down trees, how many trees do you think they chopped down to make the paper for this GODDAMNED ANIMATED MOVIE? NCh: Or, not to mention, the greatest factual wrong of the movie, which is to infer that the major cause of deforestation is the goddamn LOGGING INDUSTRY! (NC gives her a blank look as she glances at him) It's not. It's, it's cows, clearing, rainforests. WE NEED RAINFORESTS; and, you know, they clear 'em out for your goddamn HAMBURGERS! (he still gives her a blank look for a few seconds) NC: See, even to environmental nutballs, this movie makes no sense! NCh: (looking angry, in a steely voice) Say that again... NC: (in slow, mocking tone) Even to- Weird Voice: A-BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. NCh: And I'm the Nostalgia Chick. NC: We remember it... Both: ...so YOU don't have to! THE END
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