| abstract
| - Joffrey punishes Sansa for Robb’s victories, while Tyrion and Bronn scramble to temper the king’s cruelty. Catelyn entreats Stannis and Renly to forego their ambitions and unite against the Lannisters. Dany and her exhausted khalasar arrive at the gates of Qarth, a prosperous city with strong walls and rulers who greet her outside them. Tyrion coerces a queen’s man into being his eyes and ears. Arya and Gendry are taken to Harrenhal, where their lives rest in the hands of “The Mountain,” Gregor Clegane. Davos must revert to his old ways and smuggle Melisandre into a secret cove. The episode begins with a scene at Oxcross, introducing us to two Lannister guards, who live just long enough to make fart jokes and to let us know that just about all of Westeros know Renly and Loras's dirty little secret - and then as the fat bannerman unlaces his breeches to take a piss, DIREWOLF. Robb Stark listens to the screams as Grey Wind butchers the unsuspecting guards... his men scream for him, and they charge... ...and cut to the next day, and the aftermath. The Lannister host has been crushed by the Northern army, and we're introduced to Roose Bolton of the Dreadfort. "Five Lannisters dead for every one of ours," he says as we're treated to a whole slew of brutalized Lannister bannermen. Lord Bolton informs the King in the North of their logistical problems; too many prisoners, and barely enough food to feed their own troops. He believes their highborn captives will be of use, "privy to Tywin Lannister's plans," but Robb thinks otherwise. Lord Bolton enthuses about his family's practice of flaying men-- "A naked man has few secrets; a flayed man none," and Robb is vehement that the southern prisoners should not be tortured, and his father "outlawed flaying in the North". But Roose returns coldly that that "We're not in the north", and that the "High road is pretty, but you've a hard time marching your army down it." Robb explains that the Lannisters hold his sisters, and he does not want to give them any excuse to abuse them. Bolton relents, with a resigned nod. As their conversation ends we see a terribly maimed Lannister soldier being held down by a Silent Sister, as well as another healer. They struggle to restrain him as they ready themselves to amputate his gangrenous limb, much to the boy's frantic assurances that he's fine. He doesn't want to be a cripple! Robb and Roose approach, with the latter informing the girl that one of the wounded Northerners deserves such treatment more than a Lannister. She retorts that "Your men are not my men, my lord." Robb helps the healer hold the boy down, offering him a cloth to bite into as they amputate. As his foot is removed, Robb's seemingly transfixed with the girl as she does her bloody work. Once it's all over, Robb speaks to the woman, who calls herself Talisa. She refuses to tell him her last name, and for what side her family fights on. She confronts him angrily about ravaging the Westerlands, and killing innocent conscripts -- the boy that they just amputated was just a fisherboy from Lannisport, who "had probably never held a spear until they shoved one in his hands a few months ago." They argue about the war and its effects: Robb states that he wants to kill Joffrey, but has no intention to take the Iron Throne. Talisa replies that he's "fighting to overthrow a King, yet you have no plan what comes after?" The Stark replies that "First we have to win the war." As Talisa leaves, Robb asks where she's from. "Volantis," is her answer. Robb thanks her for saving the boy's life, saying that he was lucky that she was here. "He was unlucky that you were," she says. And then we return to King's Landing. Joffrey, the charming lad he is has a massive crossbow propped over his shoulder, aimed at poor Sansa Stark. "You're here to answer for your brother's latest treasons," he sneers, no doubt referring to the Curb Stomp Battle aftermath we'd just seen. Sansa pleads for mercy, as she had nothing to do with it. Lancel Lannister -- remember him? He was King Robert's squire and was with Queen Cersei in Season 1! He reports that the Northern army savaged the noble Lannister host at Oxcross, feasting on the dead after the slaughter was over, much to the horror of the ladies and nobles of the court. Joffrey ponders killing his betrothed right there and then, but "my mother insists on keeping you alive." So he just gets his loyal Kingsguard, Ser Meryn Trant to beat her up (again), ripping her dress as well (the scene in the book was worse). Just as Trant's about to bring his unsheathed sword down upon her, it's Tyrion and Bronn to the rescue!. The halfman schools his reproachable nephew, and Bronn puts Trant in his place. Sansa's saved, but when Tyrion tries to console her she retains her courtly demeanor, insisting once more that she's loyal to King Joffrey, her one true love. Tyrion, seeing through the rather blatant guise remarks that Lady Stark might survive them yet. While Sansa leaves, Bronn and Tyrion have a short exchange about Joffrey's rather vicious temperament. They entertain the idea of prostitutes to soothe Joffrey. Tyrion seems convinced. And then we see Sandor Clegane waiting patiently for his prince. "What are you doing here, dog?" asks Joffrey. He replies that his uncle has sent him his nameday present. "And? What is it?" Joffrey asks. "Look inside, your grace." He obliges. It's Ros again, and this time with another whore of her employ. "Touch her", he commands. Girl-On-Girl Is Hot, after all. But this quickly turns to Squick as he gets some sadistic thrills from watching Ros spank the other girl. First with her palm, then with his belt... when it seems to get uncomfortable, Joffrey's not sated. "Harder," he snaps at Ros. And then he hands her a large scepter/truncheon with the stag head of Baratheon. Poor Ros is visibly spooked and squicked out now, and her fellow prostitute is a quivering, sobbing mess. "Your grace... too much pain will spoil the pleasure," Ros pleads. But Joffrey's not listening. He's cranking up his crossbow. Ros then tells him that his uncle will find out...which is exactly what our little king wants. "You will bring her to his chambers and show him what you've done," Joffrey says. "Or the same thing will happen to you. Begin," he says, crossbow pointed at them. We get a Scream Discretion Shot with Joffrey looking pretty entertained. "HARDER," he says as the scene changes. We're back now at Renly Baratheon's camp in the Stormlands. And an unexpected guest awaits him. "If it isn't my favourite whoremonger," Renly quips as we see Littlefinger waiting outside his tent. "Pray I haven't kept you waiting for long," he says. They talk, and Renly knows all too well of Littlefinger's serving of the Lannisters. "I don't like you Lord Baelish. I don't like the words that come oozing out of your mouth. I don't want you in my tent one minute more than necessary, so tell me. Why are you here? You can trust Brienne. Her loyalty comes without charge," Renly states his intent, and his massive army... Littlefinger as usual is out for himself. "I did not come today seeking your affection. When you march on King's Landing... you may find yourself facing a protracted siege... or open gates," he says. That sly Petyr Baelish is ready to switch sides whenever, isn't he. Later, we see Littlefinger speak with Margaery Tyrell, and they have a subtle exchange, with Littlefinger very aware of Margaery not sharing a tent with her betrothed, and her brother's... visits to the king's own tent. But she's not having any of his intimidation attempts, and catches Lord Baelish off guard with her already knowing of Renly and Loras' affair, and that she doesn't really seem to care. She blows him off easily. We finally return to Daenerys Targaryen's journey in the Red Waste! Her host is ragged, parched, and tired... but her scout Kovarro returns with a new horse and gifts, from the resplendent city of Qarth. "Will they let us in?" she asks. "They said that they would be honored to receive the Mother of Dragons," he replies enthusiastically. She asks her old bear, Jorah Mormont what he knows of Qarth. "Only that the desert around their walls is called the Garden of Bones... every time the Qartheen shut their gates on a traveler, the garden grows..." And we cut to Arya Stark with Hot Pie and Gendry. They approach Harrenhal, and it's a foreboding, mucky looking place -- its fortifications look as if they've been weathered and sloughed off. "What kind of fire melts stone?" asks Gendry. "Dragonfire," she replies. "There's dragons here?" Hot Pie asks meekly. Gendry replies that they're all dead. The fat boy asks what the smell is. "Dead people", Arya says simply. Hot Pie quails and a Lannister guardsman shoves them to the side. We see listless prisoners watching as people are tortured horribly... one of the prisoners, an old lady remarks dully of the deaths of all of her family in the days past... the screams they heard just then were her son's. "They take someone every day," Gendry says. It's pissing rain in the next scene, and the roughed up prisoners are attempting to sleep. Arya whispers a long series of names... Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne to name a few. Just like Yoren did, as we learned in the last episode. We're back in the Stormlands, and Catelyn Stark receives Littlefinger. And boy, does she not look happy. She knows how he betrayed her husband in the throne room, resulting in his death. "How dare you," and Littlefinger attempts to justify his actions. "You betrayed Ned," she says. "I trusted you. My husband trusted you. And you repaid our faith with treachery," Littlefinger tries to appeal to her, and it's clear he still has the hots for her. In his opinion, they're Star-Crossed Lovers: "I've loved you since I was a boy! It seems to me that fate has given us this chance t--" he's cut short as Catelyn pulls a knife on him, advancing upon him with an iron look in her eyes. She screams at him to get out. "Do you want to see your girls again? Sansa, more beautiful than ever? And Arya, just as wild as ever?" Littlefinger says. "You have Arya too?" Catelyn says, exasperated. "Both girls, healthy and safe. For now. But you know the queen. And you know Joffrey. I fear for their longevity if they remain in the capital." Catelyn drops her blade, quivering as she relents. "What do you want?" Littlefinger states the Lannister intent to trade Jaime Lannister for the Stark girls, but Catelyn's already aware of that. "You think Robb will agree to those terms?!" she says. But Littlefinger says he's not bringing the terms to Robb, he's bringing the terms to her. On Catelyn's angry retort that she does not keep secrets from her son, Baelish asks her to reconsider as Robb's skill on the field may not give her another chance. He presents Tyrion Lannister's gift of good faith... Catelyn turns, freezes... asks what he's brought. As she approaches she knows all too well: it's the bones of her late husband. She allows herself a faint smile, tears brimming in her eyes before commanding him to leave. We return to Harrenhal, and Arya's awoken by the angry shouts of Lannister soldiers. They're "questioning" prisoners now. The Mountain, the hulk of a man runs an eye over the prisoners personally. They pick a random boy... and proceed to question him. We see Hot Pie's breeches expanding rapidly as he watches. They tie him down, place a bucket over his chest with a rat inside while moving a torch ever closer to it. "Where is the brotherhood?" one of them asks. The frightened prisoner repeats that he doesn't know, and the exchange continues until the rat begins digging into his chest and he gives in. "You've been very helpful," says the questioner, and they leave the torch to burn away the bucket as the frightened rat tears into the poor guy. We get another Scream Discretion Shot. It cuts to Arya sleeping again still reciting her list of people, and when she watches the same old woman feebly request one of the Lannisters -- "Polliver" for bread, he brutally silences her. So Arya adds Polliver and the Mountain's names to her ever-growing list... And again we're at the Stormlands, and the brothers Renly and Stannis Baratheon treat, with Catelyn Stark in tow. Renly shows his Deadpan Snarker side as he barrages his brother, who has arrived with his fire priestess Melisandre and Davos Seaworth. "You should kneel before your brother," Melisandre says. "He's the Lord's chosen. Born amidst salt and smoke," Renly replies: "Born amidst salt and smoke... is he a ham?" and Stannis continues to be unimpressed and irritated. Catelyn Stark attempts to remind them that they've a common enemy and are brothers, and Stannis confronts her for approaching Renly when Ned Stark supported his own claim. "The Iron Throne is mine, by right. All those that deny that are my foes," Stannis says. But Renly is adamant that the "whole realm denies it," from Dorne to the Wall, and from the death rattles of old men and unborn children. "No one wants you for their king," Renly says. Stannis offers his brother one last night to submit. "Strike your banners, come to me before dawn and I will grant you your old seat in the council. I'll even name you my heir. Until a son is born to me. Otherwise I shall destroy you," Renly doesn't look afraid. He reminds him of the hundred thousand strong army behind him, the combined force of the Stormlands' houses loyal to him and the massive conglomeration of the Reach. "We shall see Renly. come the dawn, we shall see," is Stannis' reply. Melisandre tells Renly Baratheon to "Look to your sins, Lord Renly. The night is dark and full of terrors," and Stannis' contingent leaves. "Can you believe I loved him once?" says Renly. And we're back at Essos! Daenerys' rather pitiful looking band arrives at the gates of Qarth, and the Free City's austere-looking Guard and masters come to confront them. The Thirteen, a ruling council made up of merchants, are unwilling to welcome her into the city, despite having invited her to come, and none of Daenerys' bluster makes much impact on them... save Xaro Xhoan Daxos, a Summer Islander who decides to vouchsafe their passage with his own honor. And this is after Dany has made the grave faux pas of calling The Greatest City There Ever Was Or Will Be (TM) "Kwarth," instead of "Carth" as it ought to, so evidently this "Zaro Zohan Ducksauce" fellow sees something useful in our Targaryen barbarian. (There is an epic Deadpan Snarker and Passive-Aggressive Kombat match between him and the other members of the Thirteen.) Over in Harrenhal, Gendry has been selected for tickling. His savior is the least-likely person imaginable: Lord Tywin Lannister, who rides in and immediately demands why The Mountain is wasting a labor pool. He also notices on first glance that "Arry" is actually a girl. He requisitions her to be his cupbearer and releases the rest of The Mountain's prisoners. Lord Tywin, not typically known for his sense of humor, is able to get in a few Deadpan Snarker moments of his own; he seems to consider himself Surrounded by Idiots and is not afraid to show it. It pays to be the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms, one supposes. Tyrion is paid a late-night visit by his cousin, Lancel "More Wine Your Grace" Lannister. He's been knighted since Robert Baratheon's death, possibly for being brave enough to fuck Cersei, and the confidence from in the sword in his hand and the sword twixt his legs has made him rather big for his britches. Tyrion plays him like a harp, getting him into the room with a cup of wine and then asking just how Lord Tywin's orders to Lancel, to obey the queen in everything, somehow transmuted into his becoming her bedwarmer. And what's going to happen when Joffrey finds out? Lancel crumbles, and Tyrion converts him into a spy, leaving him positioned under the queen for that purpose. Lancel is ushered out of Tyrion's chambers looking shell-shocked. For our last scene we find ourselves somewhere in the stormlands, aboard a Baratheon ship: it's got a stag figurehead at the prow, and it's also got Ser Davos and King Stannis aboard. Stannis asks about the little leather pouch the Onion Knight wears at his neck, and is surprised to discver that it has the remains of Davos's fingers, which Stannis chopped off. Davos keeps them for luck, and to remind himself that all that he is--smuggler and knight both--he owes to Stannis. Stannis charges him to return to his smuggler ways: he needs to bring Melisandre, the red priestess, into Shipbreaker Bay. It's a boat built for two, and Davos is not at ease with his passenger; Melisandre displays both fervent faith in R'hllor and Black and White Morality, neither of which Davos (an atheist and a strong believer in relative morality) is fond of. She also seems confident in her sexuality, informing him that he wants to see what's beneath her robe. So she shows him. She is quite, quite pregnant, and she lays herself down on the beach to give birth to... some sort of... smoke-ghost-shadow-monster thing. Davos, horrified to find himself transplanted to Lost, looks on as the smoke-monster climbs free of Melisandre's womb and launches itself on its mission, which happens to be right behind the camera. Credits roll.
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