While toiling over User:DJ Irreverent/Metropolis I had this idea, hope you like it :D -- 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) I got this - it'll have to be in the evening, but I got it. -- 13:50, Jun 4 No, UU. FU, UU. F. U. FU to Wisconsin. Pretty good for a brain storm. Last section clean up, check. :/ I wrote it off the cuff as a little let off of steam while writing a more serious piece. -- 08:11, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
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| rdfs:label
| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:DJ Irreverent/Schoolean Algebra
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| rdfs:comment
| - While toiling over User:DJ Irreverent/Metropolis I had this idea, hope you like it :D -- 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) I got this - it'll have to be in the evening, but I got it. -- 13:50, Jun 4 No, UU. FU, UU. F. U. FU to Wisconsin. Pretty good for a brain storm. Last section clean up, check. :/ I wrote it off the cuff as a little let off of steam while writing a more serious piece. -- 08:11, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
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| Mcomment
| - Averaged according to jungle law
- duh
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| Pcomment
| - It still feels like a rough sketch you're in the process of refining at present. There needs to be more clarity and consistency to the prose to make it feel "there". To be honest, it's quite a vague thing to explain - there are a few things I can pick out as being obvious, such as:
#It's a compere, not compare
#"Damned if we don't figure out what it means" - "can't" or "won't" would seem to fit better
#"mainly as a thinly vialed excuse to be alone with children" - that would be thinly veiled
But in general, it's things that are harder to define, and I'm thinking mainly of the dialogue, particularly of the professor - it feels forced and doesn't read that well for me. His last couple of lines in particular. And the compere's too - the "inhale to the king" bit just falls flat. I think it's meant to feel like it's falling flat, but even it that, it falls flat, if you follow me...
I think I'm right in saying this is your most dialogue-heavy article by a distance? Yeah, it's a tricky thing to nail, getting it to feel and read naturally enough not to hinder the article while making sure it services the idea and not the other way round. The only suggestion I have is to read the spoken bits out, and see how it sounds. Concentrate on rhythm, in particular, as I think it needs to sound like it has a more natural "flow". .
If you like, I could run through over the weekend and apply a few little tweaks here and there, try to help out a bit. Can't guarantee I'd be successful, but the offer's there if you want it.
- Needs to be cleaned up, especially in the history section.
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| Icomment
| - You're good at tracking down and using pics well, and you've done the job here. I'd question slightly the caption on the teenage girl one, but yeah, this seems to be one of your strengths, and you work it well again.
- As always, great pictures. GRAET PIXX!!!!!11
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| Pscore
| - 6(xsd:integer)
- 6(xsd:double)
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| Ccomment
| - very good. Honestly, I'm jealous, even if the article needs to be cleaned up.
- Yup, I like the idea. There's plenty of potential in this one. I've always had a soft spot for intellectuals over-analysing a simple concept to the nth degree, and there is a rich vein of comedy to mine here, which you're doing quite a good job of so far. Now you mainly need to sand and polish the rough stones you've extracted into sparkling comedy opals. And I need to stop trying to extend this metaphor.
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| Cscore
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| Hcomment
| - OK, I don't do the section by section thing, so this is an overall impression, and I shall review without looking at Cajek's review below as well. And that impression at the moment is very much of a work in progress. Some bits read very well, some bits seem less well developed. I like the idea but right now, it feels like the ideas outweigh the execution a bit, and you just need to tease your prose to really make it shine. For instance, I like the idea of the Penn Diagram,
- Here's the thing. The funnier something is, the less I have to say about it generally.
# Intro Cajek/s|9 Very clever, as always. Too short to be a 10, though.
# Introduction Cajek/s|8 Ah, we are introduced to Schoolean algebra. Writing on desks! Holy crap, that's an awesome idea.
# History Cajek/s|9 This is a supercharged version of preschool economics, isn't it? Pictures are great, and you're the only writer I know who can have 4 pictures in a section look neat and clean.
# Breakdown Cajek/s|6 "Whoa! Hold 'er down Newt, she's headin' fer the barn!" The writing is sketchy in places, jokes kinda bonked me in the face and died, weird shit all over the place... this section is a mess. So far, it's been excellent, but you have too many ideas in this section, and it isn't well organized enough to say it effectively.
# Notes Cajek/s|7 It's a clever idea to bring a random high schooler on stage, but the writing is still messed up, it seems to me.
# A message from our producer Cajek/s|7 don't do paint! ha! But not a large enough section to put into your humor score.
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| Iscore
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| Hscore
| - 7(xsd:integer)
- (9+8+9+6+7)/5 round1
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| Fcomment
| - OK, at this stage, my advice is fairly broad, as it seems like you've done the ideas phase of this, and now you're moving into the refinement phase. You know what you're doing in general, so I won't be too specific, but I'd say you've got about enough funny ideas in here, you just need to spend more time on the execution so they work better. That's always the most boring bit, isn't it?
If I may throw in a suggestion or two: perhaps the Penn diagram could be suggested to be shorthand for PEN15, where P, E and N are appropriate constants? Also, in the Jason/slut equation: is Jason a constant, or something of a random integer, the precise definition of which is less than essential to the equation? Just a couple of minor suggestions. Ignore 'em if you like, as I say, you have plenty of decent ideas already, so just bring the best out of 'em!
Anyway, /me finally looks at Cajek's review: wow, either we're both right on the money, or something freaky is going on!
- I beat you UU! I BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH! Ha, what do you think of THAT review, former adopted guy? Um, it's a little short maybe, but the scores, I think, are fairly accurate.
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| Signature
| - --Under_user/sig2 (14:36, Jun 6)
- Cajek/sig2|3:04, 05 Jun 2008
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| abstract
| - While toiling over User:DJ Irreverent/Metropolis I had this idea, hope you like it :D -- 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) 12:50, 4 June 2008 (UTC) I got this - it'll have to be in the evening, but I got it. -- 13:50, Jun 4 Shit, I don't got it yet. I walked back in to several family crises the second I got home, and they're not over yet. This is a tiny break for the sake of my sanity, and not long enough for a UU special® review. So tomorrow it will have to be. I have still got it though, rest assured. I'm looking forward to it. Now, back to the offline insanity. -- 21:22, Jun 4 Hold on you crazy diamond! I can wait until I have improved it a bit -- 08:11, 5 June 2008 (UTC) No, UU. FU, UU. F. U. FU to Wisconsin. Pretty good for a brain storm. Last section clean up, check. :/ I wrote it off the cuff as a little let off of steam while writing a more serious piece. -- 08:11, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
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