| ShortSummary
| - 21(xsd:integer)
- "Stephen Colbert's Executive Book Summary Summaries," summaries of summaries of executive books. A brand new "All You Need To Know" with Dick Cheney, Gen. Michael V. Hayden, immigration, hurricanes. "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard" - A man pulling a truck with his ear "as a solution to high gas prices."
- Scolded the San Francisco Zoo for, as he perceived, having two male eagles raise Stephen, Jr. Threat Down: Salaries! ; There is no Threat #4!; The Pope! ; The Geography Police! ; Bears! Introduces his "Condon'ts".
- Movies That Are Destroying America : An Inconvenient Truth , Hoot , Over the Hedge , Mission: Impossible III, pronounced as "Miiii" , recommends Akeelah and the Bee.
- Introduced a new service:
- The 22nd edition of "Better Know a District," Nebraska's 2nd Congressional District, interviewing Rep. Lee Terry, .
- Condemned some leading Republican opponents of the border security plan for acting like Democrats; spurred by the success of the "Better Know a District" series, debuted the 43-part series "Better Know a President" with first installment Theodore Roosevelt.
- Suggested to President Bartlet to pardon The A-Team before The West Wing goes off the air to "secure his TV president legacy." Colbert begins reselling a limited supply of Formula 401, for Russians only, in response to Russian President Vladimir Putin's efforts to increase Russia's fertility rate. Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: Wag - Huntsville, Alabama, school district for suspending students who paid a homeless man to walk the halls of their school without pants; Wag - U.S. Mint for announcing that it costs more to make pennies and nickels than they're worth ; Wag and Tip - Jesus for not putting enough detail in his latest "appearance" in a rock in Mexico, but at the same time testing Colbert's faith.
- Mentioned his "Native American friend," "gay friend," and "little person friend" and asked for applications to be his new "black friend." Revealed that the Colbert Report eagle is named "Liberty" . Placed his body parts on the auction block; his gall bladder was first to be sold, for $100.
- Premiered the Report's new report on the avian flu: "Death From Above: Bird Flu Is Going To Kill Everyone."
- Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: Tip - Exxon for making the 5th largest profits by a corporation ever; Wag - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for allowing women in Iran to watch soccer games; Wag - Doonesbury for its portrayal of
- Banned "my black friend Alan," sending him to "Alan Town," "where all my banned Alans go, including Alan Colmes, Alan Alda, Alan Franken, Alan Gore, and Alan, Woody," and downgraded Alan to "my black acquaintance Alan." Received a "personal bear deterrent" from Michael Chertoff. Stephen's Sound Advice: surviving high gas prices. Premieres a "special bonus to Better Know a District": "Betterer Know a District." The premiere: Rep. Phil Gingrey recalling lines from Gone with the Wind; Colbert replies to the clip, "As God as my witness, we will never show that clip again."
- Colbert launches "Stephen Colbert's Guardian Eagles" to oversee prom week activities; first installment of "The Difference Makers."
- Showed his audition tape for White House Press Secretary.
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| IntroPhrase
| - "There are three doors; behind one is a tiger, another is the truth, and the last is a closet. Choose wisely."
- "I am The Walrus, Goo goo ka Truth."
- "This is The Colbert Report."
- "When I think about the truth, I touch myself. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "I'm America's Dairy Queen, giving you the soft serve news in a crunchy coating of opinion. Would you like Truth with that?"
- "We're holding our spring formal and my date is the truth. Tonight, we're going all the way."
- "It's May-Day, and I'm wrapping ribbons of truth around America's pole."
- "Due to my unauthorized spreading of the truth, I've been forced into the Witness Protection Program. This is the Silverman Reporte."
- "I'm a steamroller of truth, repaving the highway of the future. Expect delays."
- "When life gets you down, don't get mad... Get Stephen."
- "I bring you the unvarnished truth, though it's lightly stained and buffed with a Danish oil."
- "Males aged 18-34 with disposable income, prepare to have your purchasing habits swayed."
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