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| - Darwen, also known as "Blackburn's Bitch" was founded in 10 million BC by a caveman, he and his wives left no other evidence of their habitation than a Styrofoam cup marked with the initials 'NF'. More recently, in 1832 the Government decided to section off an area of Northern England for industrial activities such as prostitution, and chose Darwen, because only Mongs, Chavs and drugged cats called 'Wilma' lived there, and nobody cared.
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| abstract
| - Darwen, also known as "Blackburn's Bitch" was founded in 10 million BC by a caveman, he and his wives left no other evidence of their habitation than a Styrofoam cup marked with the initials 'NF'. More recently, in 1832 the Government decided to section off an area of Northern England for industrial activities such as prostitution, and chose Darwen, because only Mongs, Chavs and drugged cats called 'Wilma' lived there, and nobody cared. Hundreds of cotton mills were built or flown in, some having to be stacked on top of one another, due to lack of space, which is one of many comparisons that can be drawn between Tokyo and Darwen. (Incidentally, Tokyo was named in 1999 as Darwens “Sister City”, after a long and fruitful relationship in the human traffic business and the smell of stale fish.) Unfortunately in the last fifty years or so, the demand for cotton fell, as clothes started to be produced from crude oil byproducts and into Kappa tracksuits. This meant that everybody lost their jobs, and started pratting around in wheelchairs to try and claim "compo". Either that or they were disabled. Incidentally, Darwen is home to the inventor of the pedal-powered wheelchair. Darwen residents do not believe in the physics of planet earth as we would know it. They simply believe that Darwen is a small flat continent floating through space of which it is possible to "fall off the edge". Hence, no Darwener has ever travelled beyond the limits of the town boundary for fear that they may "fall off Darwen". This theory has existed here since the very dawn of time and has been embellished by the educational establishments, thus instilling those very beliefs in the townsfolk from birth onwards. There have been unconfirmed reports of Darweners taking it upon themselves to foolishly attempt the journey to the unknown (a.k.a. bus into Blackburn) although none have made it so far. The mayor of Darwen, Mr Dick Darwen, lives in the nearby hamlet of Hoddlesden Village with his common law wife, Erogenique. He has hairy, mal-formed, six-toed feet and has worked as the foot stunt double of Elijah Wood (Frodo Baggins) in the Lord of the Rings films. He also spent several years as the keyboard player and flautist of 1970s Dutch progressive rock band Focus.
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