| abstract
| - This Kiss is an unreleased song by Britney Spears. It was recorded in 2008 for her sixth studio album Circus.
- Usually, I was not this type of she-cat. Not the type to sit in the middle of the camp where everyone could see me, rolling my eyes and grooming my fur, giggling like some kind of insane idiot. But usually I wasn't the type to fall all over toms. Especially not after what happened last time I fell for one. But I'll do anything to at least catch Coaldust's attention, even if I know I can't have him. Even if it means talking to the most boring, airheaded cats I've ever met: Russetmoon and Moonpetal. All they talk about is toms, themselves, beauty, themselves, gossip, and themselves. Did I mention that they talk about themselves a lot? They do. Okay, so maybe I had no right to be crushing on Coaldust. I was pretty sure he liked Beechwhisker. And who wouldn't? My best friend was gorgeous, sweet, and kind, the perfect she-cat for any tom. Also, as far as Coaldust knew, I was still in love with Rivershade. I had kept the humiliation of our breakup to myself, not only because it was embarrassing, but also because although I had been really hurt by him, I didn't want the entire Clan hating him. That just wouldn't be fair; it would make me no better then him, and I didn't want that. I ignore these facts though, concentrating on pretending I can't feel all the toms' eyes on me. There's only one pair of gray-blue eyes I want to see anyway, but I manage to stop myself from glancing over my shoulder to check if he's watching. I do have some pride. Finally, the tempation grows too great. I turn my head slightly to the side, coyly, and locate him. He's standing beside two other toms, Firestrike and Specklenose. When I spot him, I'm shocked to find that he's staring back at me. We both turn away hastily. I can feel a blush creeping into my cheeks. "What about you, Deersoul? What color do you think brings out your eyes?" Russetmoon asks. "Huh?" I stammer; I haven't been paying attention to the conversation at all. The pretty she-cat sighs dramatically and repeats the question. "Oh..." I've never thought about something so useless in my life. I pause to consider the question. My eyes are a kind of muddled hazel, filled with flecks of blue, gold, green, and amber. I have no idea what color would bring them out. "I think green," announces Moonpetal. "That'd look pretty with your dark gray pelt." I blink. "Why do we need to know this again?" Russetmoon looks shocked that I'd even ask. Meanwhile, I notice that Coaldust has gotten up and moved over to the fresh-kill pile. I can feel his gaze occasionally stray to me, as if he's seeing me in a whole new light. Maybe this was a bit too far for an evening in camp, but I couldn't help it. "You need to know this so we can decide what to put in our fur for the next Gathering," Russetmoon says, like, Duh. "Oh." Just then, a gruff voice says from behind us, "Hello ladies." We turn as one to see the toms standing there. Specklenose is the one who spoke; he has a wide, cocky grin across his face, and he's so puffed up I think a prick of the claw would cause an explosion. "Hey there," coos Russetmoon, batting her thick lashes. Coaldust clears his throat. "Hi Deersoul." "Hi," I say softly, not daring to breathe in case this is all a dream. While Moonpetal and Russetmoon flirt with the other two - though they aren't having much luck with Firestrike, who keeps looking around as if waiting for someone else - I move over so I'm facing Coaldust. He looks flustered for some reason. "You look," he pauses, as if searching for the right word, "different." I raise my eyebrows. "Different in a good or bad way?" "I- Good," he decides, his eyes never leaving me. I give a small smile, wondering if he would ever have noticed me if I hadn't been sitting right in his line of vision. Was he just as much of a player as Rivershade? That was it. I couldn't trust him. He may have the face of an angel, but toms were all the same. He would chew me up and spit me out, then walk away without a backward glance. Just for a split second, I let myself imagine my fur against his, his breath warm on my face, the comforting scent that made him Coaldust wreathing around me like a protective shield. Except, if he was anything like Rivershade(and I was pretty sure he was), he would turn it all into a horrid joke. Pull away from me and start flirting with another she-cat. Leave me lying in the dust. "It's a lovely night tonight, isn't it?" Coaldust says, turning his face upwards so the moonlight illuminates his handsome features. "Yes, it is," I agree, my words sounding delicate and mist-like in the cool air. I stare up at the dark, velvety sky, imagining that I can reach up a paw and touch its soft surface, scooping up a handful of glittery stars and scattering them into the breeze. Turning my gaze back earthwards, I find Coaldust's eyes on me, unreadable. I blush and glance at my paws. Pushing away the glimmer of pleasure that he noticed me, I tell myself that he's just realizing that I groomed my fur for once. That's the only reason he's even talking to me; because I'm with the popular she-cats. A tiny shred of longing appears in my heart. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I don't want to miss a tom like Coaldust. But in order to protect myself, I'll have to. "I love to just sit outside and gaze up at the stars. I imagine that all the warriors of StarClan are watching over me, and it gives me such a thrill-" He broke off embarrassedly. "It's silly, I know, but I can't help it." My heart gives a painful flutter, like a caged bird. "It's not silly. I do that too." He's a dreamer. Like me. Coaldust gives me a shy smile from under his lashes, which are much too thick and dark for a tom's, making him more endearing. He looks so sweet and sensitive, it melts my heart. My feelings rush up into my throat, longing to be put into words. I bite down hard on my tongue to stop myself from confessing how much I found myself liking him. Yes, he was amazingly handsome, and had a personality to match. But he wasn't right for me. No tom could be right for me, because I could never prepare myself again for the heartbreak that came when you opened yourself to someone's love. "So," Coaldust says, avoiding my eyes. "I guess you and Rivershade do this a lot." I frown, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. He's rigid and stiff, his ears pricked. Briefly, I let myself wonder if he cares because... No. Stop that! "Not anymore," I say quietly. His shoulders tense, and he looks at me with eyes full of concern. "Did- I know it's none of my business, but did something happen?" A stab of pain shoots through my heart, reminding me why I decided to stay away from toms. This is just bringing up painful memories. But I can't pull away from Coaldust. It's like he has some kind of hypnotic effect on me. "Yeah." I leave it at that, and he doesn't push it. Coaldust is silent, but I almost think he's hiding a smile. Weird. "Do you want to eat something?" he asks, gesturing to the fresh-kill pile. Moonpetal and Russetmoon have gone back into the warrior's den, and so has everyone else; we have the camp to ourselves. I'm not hungry, but I can't pass up the opportunity to spend more time with him. "Sure," I breathe. He nods and pads over to the fresh-kill pile, selecting a plump vole and setting it down between us. As he crouches beside me, our pelts about an inch away from each other, I vaguely think that I should probably go to sleep, since I have dawn patrol tomorrow. But the rest of the world seems so far away. All that matters is Coaldust, right here, right now. I begin to eat, but I notice that Coaldust doesn't. I'm about to push the vole closer to him, but I look up and find him gazing at me, a distant look in his eyes, as if he's seeing something beautiful that only he knows about. My cheeks turn hot. To break the spell, I say, "Are you going to eat?" He shakes his head, as if coming out of a daze. "What? Oh. Uh... Sure." He bends down and takes a bite. I tell myself to be relieved; I just prevented a moment between us. So why do I feel so disappointed? Rivershade's face flashes into my mind, his cocky olive-green eyes, the feel of his strong, muscular shoulders pressing against me as he wrapped his bushy tail around me. I shudder just thinking of the unrepentant look in his eyes when I'd caught him cheating on me. "What's your problem, Deersoul?" he had asked, seeming irritated by my hurt. I hadn't been able to reply over the choking sobs. I'd turned and raced away, crashing into bushes and stumbling over rocks, not caring where I was going, just trying to escape it all. Even now, I realize I'm still running. As I gaze at Coaldust, I wonder what it would be like to stop running. To let my heart guide mend and guide me. It wasn't fair. This would be such a sweet moment in any other she-cat's life. Out under the stars, eating together with the tom she liked. But not for me. Rivershade had ruined love for me. Hadn't he? Coaldust was great, but surely I couldn't trust him. Not after what had happened to me last time And yet, looking at him, I found it impossible to believe he would hurt me. Coaldust had laid his head on his paws, his eyes half-closed, a dreamy look on his face. He looks so adorable, I long to gently stroke his fur with one paw. Instead, I glance around the silent camp. Ordinarily, I prefer to be alone, but with Coaldust here, I feel much better than I ever have. If only he weren't so charming and perfect, it would be much easier to resist spending time with him. But he is. Ad I can't. "Deersoul, I- I've really liked this," he says quietly, looking up to meet my eyes. I can't turn him down now. "Me too." We lean in towards each other slowly, like an invisible force is tugging at us both at the same time. My eyelids gradually lower. I can feel his breath on my face. In my mind, I'm panicking. I can't do this! I just can't! But it's no use. Our noses touch. It's like magic. A tingle shoots down my body. I'm in an euphoria of happiness. And then reality breaks through. "What am I doing?" I spring to my feet, my voice breathless and ragged. Coaldust's eyes fly open, hurt in their gray-blue depths. "Deersoul?" he says, his voice slightly unsteady. He takes in my expression. "What's wrong?" I stumble backwards like he's a contagious disease. "I'm sorry. I can't- I have to go now." He scrambles to his paws, taking a step toward me, then freezing as I cringe away. I feel terrible, but I can't help it. This is just like Rivershade... only this time it's my fault. "Why?" The pain in Coaldust's voice makes my heart ache, and I have to remind myself that it can't be real. He's faking it all. He wouldn't care if I fell off the edge of the earth. A tear slides down my cheek, and I turn away hastily so he can't see. "It's not me. I don't want this." I slip into the warrior's den without looking back, turning away from what could've been love.
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