| ShortSummary
| - Over his two-week vacation, Stephen was up for an Emmy Award in the category "Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program." Barry Manilow won, but Stephen predicted this outcome on the red carpet which led to an an "I called it!" segment. Stephen announces his new Las Vegas revue, Stephen Colbert--Passionately from the Heart: Songs of Love and Opinion. He then comments on the validity of the TV "docudrama" The Path to 9/11. He laughs out-of-character when attempting to say the name of the screenwriter, Cyrus Nowrasteh. Then Stephen jokes back and forth with Martin Short about gays, Barbara Streisand, interviewing celebrities, and Short's show on Broadway, Fame Becomes Me.
- Stephen downs a Hoegaarden Blanche wheat beer in front of New Jersey's 3th district Democratic candidate Richard Sexton.
- Frank Rich's book still not #1; The Four Horsemen of the Apopcalypse: Movies, Television, Music, Books; Alpha Dog of the Week: Tom Selleck, possible next President of the NRA
- Another entry to the Green Screen challenge is shown. "The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude" shows an interview with inhabitants of Spencer County, Indiana with the controversy over Santa and Abraham Lincoln being the centerpiece of the town. Jon Stewart is tricked into calling the "Days of Repentance" hotline, followed by Un-American News.
- Who's Not Honoring Me Now; Stephen's Sound Advice on getting through high school.
- Threat Down: Al Gore, Toby Keith, Anti-Drug Ads, Irony, Food
- Stephen tracks his eagle, Stephen Jr., on www.iws.org. Stephen Jr. ends up in Canada. He then mentions that James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, is offering a full refund to those people who bought the book before it was revealed to be partially fictional. This leads to the night's word. Formidable Opponent: Should America set a timetable for withdrawing from Iraq? The segment ends with each Colbert holding a gun to the other's head. Stephen then interviews Ken Jennings regarding his new book, Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competitive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs. He attempts to nail Ken by asking him, "Which element has an atomic number 75?" He also asks Ken how many pages are in his book, which Ken can't answer.
- Stephen Colbert talks about Whitney Houston's break-up, and airs the second installment of The New Adventures of Tek Jansen. He also completes a bust of George W. Bush that is made up of cut-up pieces of the New York Times. Stephen says he'll send it to the New York Times as a pinata, but says that they'll be surprised by what it's filled with.
- Opens with a demand of forgiveness from various Jews. Author Daniel Golden helps Stephen form an opinion on early admission to colleges. Golden immediately calls after the interview to, as a Jew, apologize for the interview, saying he should have made his point clearer. Better Know a District: Paul Aronsohn from New Jersey's 5th.
- Hungarian ambassador to the United States András Simonyi announces that Stephen Colbert won the Northern M0 Danube bridge-naming contest, but in order to actually have the bridge named after him Colbert must be dead; Colbert lambasts NASA for launching Space Shuttle Atlantis instead of sending the president to Mars.
- Mort Zuckerman calls the hotline. Colbert at first cannot remember The Wørd, and goes through it trying to remember.
Tip of the Hat: Chevrolet's new Silverado ad, George Clooney
Wag of the finger: Bill Cosby and his slave museum, Food Labels
Colbert admits there is an Adults-only secret level in his fictional World of Colbertcraft, a play on Grand Theft Auto's Hot Coffee mod.
- Colbert Report Days of Repentance Hotline 1-888-OOPS-JEW, George Allan's Jewish mother, The Greatest Story Ever Sold getting cockblocked, Geneva Convention Compromise, Green Screen Challenge - Trevor Homer, Colbert Cruise '06
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| IntroPhrase
| - None
- "Just a reminder, the Colbert Report original cast recording is available on sale in the lobby. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "The leaves may be changing, but my opinions never will. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "Some pronounce it 'yee-roh.' Some pronounce it 'gyro.' I pronounce it 'lamb sandwich.' This is America! Speak English! This is The Colbert Report!"
- None. "Stephen Jedi" video intro
- "Facts should be like Sansabelt pants, adjustable to fit your needs. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "You know, they have a saying back where I live: This is The Colbert Report!"
- "America, I'm about to raise your minimum rage. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "America, remember the most important gun safety tip: if you have a gun, you'll be safe. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "I've been gone two weeks and I think the kids have had a party in the studio. Smells like weed in here. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, ATTACKED BY AN EAGLE! AW! This is The Colbert Report!"
- "If you watch only one Comedy Central show in the next half-hour, make it this one. This is The Colbert Report!"
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