| abstract
| - Although both the Democratic Party and the Republican Party like to go through the motions of soliciting voter input on who should be the Party's Presidential candidate, actual voters are, to put it mildly, morons. Frequently, the Party must contrive to both thank them for their valued contribution and hit the figurative Revert button. The hoi polloi tirelessly coalesce around a candidate with inspiring new ideas, be it Bernie Sanders with his untested concept of socialism, or Ron Paul with his assertions that American tourism caused the Middle East to erupt until Jews had to dynamite the World Trade Center during the September 11 attacks. When such candidates gain traction, insiders (the "party-archy") need to turn away from the hoi polloi, consult with other polloi, and pick a candidate who is more electable, electability judged by persons who cannot persuade anyone of any actual idea.
* The Democratic Party, although it is built around the idea of democracy, understands that there is always such a thing as "too much of a good thing" (except high tax rates).
* The Republican Party teases activists who would like to return America to its erstwhile status as a Constitutional Republic, but understands that this must be balanced against the needs of Boeing, General Electric, and Lockheed, who are, after all, picking up the tab (and, bartender, make mine a double).
* The Libertarian Party has relative fidelity to both democracy and the Republic. However, liberty is obviously paramount, which means the Nominating Convention puts nominating a distant second, behind breast-baring and discharging firearms toward the chandeliers. Both parties operate their Presidential Nominating Conventions under thick tomes of turgid rules, reformed every four years based on who feels he got screwed last time. The rules always provide that, sprinkled in among the elected delegates like antifreeze in the punch bowl are some number of super-delegates. For example, sitting governors, state party chairpersons, mayors of bankrupt cities, members of Congress, and other self-important worthies, get a free pass to the Convention floor. They are ex-officio delegates, a Latin expression based on the fact that most of them sign their names by making the letter X. On reaching the Convention site, super-delegates use their super-powers to stage-manage the nomination and ensure that a centrist candidate, on whom the party-archy has the right amount of dirt, is nominated on time and on the first ballot. Super-delegates strive against evil:
* They hope to avoid the spontaneity that delayed George McGovern's acceptance speech until three in the morning, resulting in an audience even smaller than the current one.
* They hope to avoid excessive adherence to the Convention rules, which in theory would let the process take thirty-two ballots, meaning that the television networks would have to switch formats, from a "special" to the "mini-series," a version of Survivor with all the treachery and most of the pyrotechnics but none of the bikinis. This likewise would minimize the audience and thus the allure of commercial spots.
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