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| - Darkness. Main Titles. Godzilla Icon appears; makes a goofy face at the camera. Cut to scene of Arctic. Little plastic tanks are laying around on the ice, mist is floating around. Godzilla appears, looks around and laughs loudly to himself. GODZILLA (subtitled): I really do enjoy knocking plastic tanks around every now and again. Suddenly Gotengo appears. MAN INSIDE GOTENGO: Fire those missiles! Missiles fly out in every direction, hitting ice walls and doing funny little sparkling dances. MAN INSIDE GOTENGO: Oh *****. Stupid people at EDF never tested those, did they? Godzilla fires his ray, causing the Gotengo to crash. MAN INSIDE GOTENGO: AAAAARRG! We're crashed! ANOTHER MAN (sarcastically): Oh, I should've guessed! Suddenly the ground begins to shake. Walls of ice fall all around Godzilla, but he doesn't move; he just stands there and looks around and roars. MAN #1: Why doesn't that doofus move? MAN #2: Because the script says he's supposed to be buried in ice, stupid! MAN #1: Okay, fire those missiles and bring down the ice! Gotengo fires missiles; missiles fly everywhere, crash into each other and eventually into the walls. Godzilla gets hit on the head; his expression becomes goofy. Suddenly the ground opens up and arms reach up and grab him and pull him down. Everyone inside Gotengo cheers and opens up bottles of champaigne. Narrator: And now we would have a big useless montage, but I think we'll just skip it and get straight to the action. *Ahem...ACTION! Cut to another scene of Gotengo, this time battling a big, purple dinosaur. CAPTAIN GORDON: Get him! Get that sucker who's been stupidifying our children! Kill him! Music for Barney is a dinosaur starts playing, Barney starts dancing. CAPTAIN GORDON: What a doofus. Fire missiles! I mean, forget the stupid sparklers. Fire laser! Fart noise, and then a big streak of blue flies toward Barney. Barney gets hit, falls into the water. CAPTAIN GORDON: Follow that sucker in! Gotengo flies into the water, swims after Barney. Barney falls into underwater volcano, starts getting burned. He jumps around and follows the Gotengo out. CAPTAIN GORDON: Fire maser, or tazer or whatever the crap it is they call those things. Man they sure come up with the stupidest names... Maser fires, hits Barney and turns him into a big gummy dinosaur. CAPTAIN GORDON: Okay everyone, dig in! Gotengo sucks up the gummy dinosaur; inside everyone starts chowing down. Suddenly, SOLDIER walks up to GORDON. SOLDIER: Sir, you're wanted on the big TV screen. (Turns screen on) WOMAN ON SCREEN: Gordon, you know how unhealthy that is. CAPTAIN GORDON: Aww, come on! Just because we don't starve ourselves on sushi like you guys do? WOMAN ON SCREEN: You're gonna get cavities! CAPTAIN GORDON: Aww, shut up and let us alone. WOMAN ON SCREEN bangs her fist, curses and pulls it back and screen goes blank. Cut to MUTANT TRAINING FACILITY. Inside, two mutants, OZAKI (wearing sunglasses) and WOLVERINE are fighting (in a giant model city). Wolverine kicks Ozaki into a grating, then pushes him up against the wall and slashes him with his claws. Ozaki kicks him in the groin; Wolverine screams and falls on the floor. Ozaki stomps on his head. Wolverine kicks him again and gets up and tries to choke him. Suddenly, XAVIER walks in. XAVIER: That will be enough, boys. If this were real, then Tokyo would be in ruins! Mutants look around at ruined model city; shrug. XAVIER: Wolverine, you have nothing to be proud of. WOLVERINE: I only won the contest sir. Oh, and the ten billion dollars that Ozaki here bet! OZAKI: I DID NOT! (his lips keep on moving) WOLVERINE: How come your lips keep moving when you're done talking??? OZAKI: Because this is dubbed English, dummy! XAVIER: That's enough of that. Ozaki, you will report to me in the next half hour! OZAKI: Yes sir. And I DIDN'T bet that money. XAVIER rolls his eyes and rolls his wheelchair away. OZAKI turns to leave, then turns around. OZAKI: Aren't you going to ask me why I held back? WOLVERINE: Huh? I didn't notice. Haw haw! OZAKI throws fake poop at him and leaves and goes to XAVIER's office. XAVIER: Captain Gordon and his crew have been imported to the hospital for extensive tooth damage, so I have an assignment for you, Ozaki. A giant mummified monster has just been found off the coast of Hokkaido. OZAKI: I see. And you want me to go fetch it out? XAVIER: It's already been "fetched". A biologist is going to go examine it and needs a bodyguard. OZAKI: Well, Wolverine should be just the guy! XAVIER: Sorry, you're the one who's going. OZAKI: But why a babysitter?? I mean, you know how cranky these old farts can be! With their big glasses and clipboards and they yell and cuss at you if you mess with their preserved specimens of doofus ignoramus! Suddenly beautiful female BIOLOGIST appear in door. OZAKI turns and sees her, his eyes bulge out and his tongue hangs out and he starts drooling and stomping his feet. BIOLOGIST: I think you'll find I'm not that cranky at all! Look how healthy and fit I am! OZAKI mindlessly follows BIOLOGIST out into parking lot. BIOLOGIST: So aren't you going to ask me why I'm a bug collector and not a model? OZAKI: Naw, I don't care what you are babe! As long as you're HOT! Say, why don't we stop at a fancy restaurant on the way to Hokkaido?? I'll buy! BIOLOGIST No way! You think I wanna get fattened up? I need to stay skinny as a post! OZAKI: I was thinking about some sushi or something. BIOLOGIST: Practical. However, I'm not hungry as I already had my breakfast of half a grapefruit and handful of birdseed this morning. I can wait a few more hours. Cut to scene inside BIG LABORATORY at Hokkaido. DR. FRANKENSTEIN is showing them giant mummified monster which resembles Jason Voorhees. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: This here is what we call Gigan. He's a Giant Monster. After examining his DNA, we found what we call the "X-Base" in his strand. BIOLOGIST: What! I thought it was "M-Base"! DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Nope. It's "X-Base" after the "X-Men", get it? OZAKI: Hardee-har-har. BIOLOGIST: Well, Ozaki, since both you and the monsters have this "X-base" inside you, say hello to your great-great-grandfather! OZAKI: Naw, that looks more like my brother-in-law's cousin. Suddenly, scene changes and they find themselves in a cavern. There is a mysterious moth-shaped stone at one end, and they walk toward it. Two SHOBIJIIN appear. SHOOBIJIIN (together): Hello, we are the Fairy Twins. How may we help you? Our speciality today is the combo, with a deluxe cheeseburger, fries and giant-sized Pepsi. Will that be all? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Wha...?? We don't even know what we're doing here! SHOOBIJIIN: Oh we know! Perhaps you've dropped in by accident to see the cave paintings of Mothra and Gigan! BIOLOGIST: Uhh... SHOOBIJIIN: Well it's simple. Gigan came and crash-landed on earth billions of years ago. Mothra came in and beat the ***** out of him, and he got thrown into the ocean and took a big long nap! I wouldn't try waking him if I were you. He could get grouchy. Now, go away! Scene changes back to lab. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: D-did I just dream that? BIOLOGIST: Oh, it was real enough! Check this out. (Holds up a deluxe cheeseburger and fries) OZAKI: Well, looks like it's time for lunch! What say we split it three ways? BIOLOGIST: You must be insane. There's probably sixty-billion calories inside those. You'd do best to throw them away. But since you look so hungry, I guess you two can have it. (The two begin fighting over it) Cut to the SECRETARY GENERAL of the U.N. being interviewed by HOT REPORTER. REPORTER: So how are you enjoying this new position, Mr. Secretary General? SECRETARY GENERAL: Oh man, it's great! I get almost complete control of the United Nations! Not to mention getting interviewed by hot reporters REPORTER: Does it leave you any time for family life? SECRETARY GENERAL: Oh yeah, Clint and me have a great time together! He's my best friend...no wife or kids though, although you could be if you wanted REPORTER: You mean, you're roommates with Clint Eastwood? SECRETARY GENERAL: Naw, Clint's my dog! I named him after Clint Eastwood though. Cut to scene aboard LUXURY PLANE. A STEWARD walks up to SECRETARY GENERAL, handing him a stack of papers. SECRETARY GENERAL: What the ****** are these things for?? STEWARD: These are your love letters to that reporter, sir. On the bottom is your notes for the UN meeting Saturday. Everyone in plane looks at them and bursts out laughing. SECRETARY GENERAL: Laugh all you want bozos! Just wait till I'm married to the...what are you looking at, Steward? Is there some Giant Monster about to fly into the plane? STEWARD: Good guess, sir. Suddenly, RODAN crashes into the plane. RODAN (subtitled): OOOOOOOOUUUUWWWWW! That hurt! Cut to scene of two obese, hairy BIKERS hanging around outside a tall building in NEW YORK CITY. Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER (who is a Nicholas Cage lookalike) pulls up. POLICE OFFICER: Hey you two! Those are stolen motorcycles! BIKER #1: Sure they are. POLICE OFFICER: Do you know who stole 'em? BIKER #2: Sure! We did, lunkhead! POLICE OFFICER: Nobody calls me lunkhead, Dingleberry! BIKER #1: Oh yeah, noodlepuss! POLICE OFFICER: Fathead! Go pour yourself into a bathtub! Suddenly, creepy music starts playing. BIKER #2: Oh no! There's creepy music playing! A big monster is about to fly overhead! POLICE OFFICER keeps his gun pointed at BIKER #1, looks up to see RODAN flying towards them. BIKER #2: We've gotta get outta here! RODAN flies overhead, bikes and car explode in flames and send all three of them blasting in every direction. BIKER #1: HEY! I'm flying! I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I can... RODAN eats him. RODAN flies up to top of TALL BUILDING, stands up and starts cackling. RODAN (subtitled): Just to let everyone know, I am under extraterrestrial influence. I am not doing this on my own will; aliens are controlling me. Please do not blame me for any damage done to New York. In other words, SUE THE ALIENS! RODAN jumps off, flies down and building crumbles to bits. RODAN flies through city, causing big buildings to crumble to bits. People go flying out in slow motion, screaming in slow motion and banging into each other in slow motion. People in a dinner party see RODAN fly past, start screaming loudly and fall all over each other and tables making huge mess trying to get out of the building before shockwave hits. Buildings topple into each other while RODAN flies off into the distance. Cut to scene of EDF HEADQUARTERS. NEW YORK CITY blips on the map. XAVIER and UN VICE COMMANDER are talking. XAVIER: Rumbling has been deployed! Although I doubt it will do much, since Wolverine's piloting and you know what a horrible pilot he is. Too bad I had to send Ozaki to Hokkaido. UN VICE COMMANDER: Oh well, it'll be your fault if Rodan blows up the world then. By the way, any news of the Secretary General? XAVIER: Nope, still missing. I never really liked him anyway Suddenly, WORKER shouts from a booth. WORKER #1: Anguirus! Sighted in Shanghai! He just ate the Emperor! XAVIER cheers. WORKER #2: Okinawa's under attack! Looks like Ceasar's doing it. WORKER #3: So's Paris! Shoot, so much for my vacation. WORKER #4: And Sydney too! Say, I just remembered. My brother-in-law is singing in the Opera House. YAY! XAVIER: What the ******??? Cut to scene of Sydney, Australia. SYDNEY TOWER suddenly falls over in a fireball on top of ZILLA. ZILLA (subtitled): Oh *******. People are running and screaming through the streets. One man is eating a pizza, falls over a bunch of cans of food and goes face-down into his pizza. MAN: MMMMMM! Suddenly ZILLA walks into view, rubbing his head. Suddenly, a trainload of tuna goes by. ZILLA (subtitled): MMMMM! TUNA! YUM! ZILLA picks up train in his mouth and starts chowing down. Suddenly, he pulls a disgusted face. ZILLA: YUCK! These are sardines! I hate sardines! (Spits train out) Cut to scene of ANGUIRUS in SHANGHAI. He is stomping out all the buildings and cars and buses. People are running crazily to escape from him, falling all over each other and cursing and punching each other. ANGUIRUS pauses and belches loudly. ANGUIRUS (subtitled): Mmmm, that emperor sure is one tasty dude! ANGUIRUS sticks his head inside a doughnut shop, starts raiding. Owner curses at him in Chinese. ANGUIRUS stomps him. Cut to OKINAWA, where we see a giant KING JULIUS CEASAR stomping through an oil refinery. KING JULIUS CEASAR: Et tu, Okinawa? Cut to PARIS where KAMACURAS is zipping around the city, farting and blowing up buildings. KAMACURAS (subtitled): Mais oui! This is one great vacation! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay! My, oh my what a wonderful... KAMACURAS crashes into EIFFEL TOWER, sending it tumbling down to the ground. KAMACURAS: OOOOWWW! ******!!! Cut quickly to inside a trailer in PHOENIX, ARIZONA. A fat, obese, smelly hairy man is sitting in front of the TV, watching Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Suddenly, KUMONGA jumps in and stomps his trailer. KUMONGA (subtitled): OOWW! CRAP! I burned my foot! Cut to scene of VANCOUVER, where fat boy resembling Chancho from Nacho Libre is playing with a bunch of monster toys. His face is covered with beans and he is watching "lucha libre" wrestling on TV. Suddenly, REPORTER appears on screen, with Anguirus in the background. REPORTER: This just in. Giant monsters are attacking cities all over the world! CHANCHO: C'mon, get back to the wrestling! REPORTER: We advise everyone to run outside and scream at the monsters and yell "Go away!" CHANCHO: COME ON! GET BACK THE THE FRIGGIN' WRESTLING MATCH! Suddenly giant foot comes down and crushes the house.s Cut to Gotengo battling ANGUIRUS. CAPTAIN (not GORDON): **** that armadillo! SOLDIER: Sir, that's about a thousand times as big as an armadillo and it's a mutant ankylosaurus. CAPTAIN: Well, **** the mutant ankylosaurus then! Don't let him get away! FIRE LASER! Suddenly, stream of melted chocolate ice cream squirts out at Anguirus. ANGUIRUS (subtitled): Keep it coming! CAPTAIN: Blast it! That's the "melted chocolate" weapon, you dolt! FIRE THE FRIGGIN' LASER! Laser shoots out and hits ANGUIRUS in the butt. ANGUIRUS screams, curses and rolls himself up into a ball and rolls and bounces away. CAPTAIN: HE'S GETTING AWAY! Crew gasps sarcastically. Cut to Sydney, where two teenagers are standing in an alley, "ooh"ing and "aah"ing as a wall of fire blasts a crowd of people away. ZILLA appears, looks in and roars and chases after them. Teens stand there gaping at him oohing and aahing as his mouth comes down and engulfs them. Cut to Gotengo battling KAMACURAS in Paris. KAMACURAS: Stupid sub! You wrecked my vacation! Kamacuras hacks at Gotengo with an axe. CAPTAIN: Fire missiles! A bunch of sparkly things fly out, doing sparkly dances and flying every which way. KAMACURAS: Hey! That's cool! Cut to TOKAI PETROCHEMICAL COMPLEX, where giant lobster EBIRAH is smashing his way through, sending little plastic vehicles flying. XAVIER stands in front of four mutants, including OZAKI (who has a black eye and crumbs on his chin), WOLVERINE, STORM and ARCHANGEL. They are all holding rocket launchers. XAVIER: Okay boneheads, listen up. Wolverine and Ozaki will stand in the middle, and you other two flank them. We're gonna fry that lobster! OZAKI: OOH, do we get to eat him then? XAVIER: You already had a burger! OZAKI: You know how hungry mutants can get. XAVIER: I don't give a crap if you eat him, just kill him! Four mutants rush forward. STORM: Heck with the gun. I can just use a bunch of lightning! (she points her hands at Ebirah; nothing happens) Dang. I know! STORM runs toward an electrical power outlet, grabs it and gets electrocuted. ARCHANGEL: I don't know how she even got to this level. Suddenly EBIRAH starts trying to crush them with his claw. The three scatter, with STORM stuck to the telephone pole with shocked expression on her face. OZAKI: Okay sucker, you're gonna get it now! [He fires his rocket launcher, sending out a spray of marshmallows] Worthless piece of junk. Claw comes down next to him. He yells and throws his gun. EBIRAH grabs it and shoves it into his mouth. Suddenly he starts choking and turns blue in the face and falls over unconcious. OZAKI: Maybe it isn't such a worthless piece of junk after all! Mutants stand on top of Ebirah, preparing to eat him. WOLVERINE: Hold on, I'm vegetarian! No wait, who the crap put that line in?? I'M A CARNIVORE!!! Suddenly, EBIRAH disappears in a beam of red light and sparkles. OZAKI: It's the Enterprise! Cut to RODAN flying through NEW YORK with ship Rumbling behind. Suddenly he disappears in same beam of red light and sparkles. The same thing happens to all the other monsters. Cut to EDF HEADQUARTERS, where people are monitoring the progress of a UFO. WOMAN: The UFO is at point zero-zero...IT'S DIRECTLY OVERHEAD!!!! Outside the DEATH STAR is cruising overhead. Mutants have their guns pointed up at it. XAVIER and UN VICE COMMANDER run out onto the deck. Suddenly, SECRETARY GENERAL appears in a beam of red light and sparkles. VICE COMMANDER: Secretary General! Where have you been??? Mars? SECRETARY GENERAL: No, I was in the Death Star, stupid! I was in danger and they rescued me! VICE COMMANDER: Who's "they"? SECRETARY GENERAL: Uh, the Romans. VICE COMMANDER: In the Death Star??? SECRETARY GENERAL: Aliens of course! Suddenly all three disappear in beam of red light, then find themselves inside the Death Star, with Imperial Guards at every corner. Suddenly Agents CHUCK and SMITH appear, along with a TERMINATOR T-1000 robot, wearing black coats and sunglasses. XAVIER: Wow, straight from the Matrix! CHUCK: Do not be afraid, humans. We come in peace do not fear do not fear do not... SMITH hits him in the head. SMITH: Shut up, stupid. VICE COMMANDER: How are we supposed to know your intentions are peaceful? In all your films you're villains. TERMINATOR: Awww, you watch too much TV. We're nice guys, really! I mean, we captured those monsters for you! XAVIER: So what did you come here for then? CHUCK: Ah yes. Down to business. In a nutshell, there's this really big planet coming toward your planet that will strike it and blow it to smitherines! BLOOEY BLOOEY KABLOOOEY BAM BAM BOOM BLAM BOOOM BOOM KABOOOOOM SMITH: Shut up, idiot. CHUCK: You get the idea. Anyway, you need to concentrate all your firepower at this planet so it can blow it up. BOOM BOO— SMITH: Don't start again. Cut to UN BUILDING in NEW YORK CITY, where SECRETARY GENERAL is giving a speech with aliens on screen in the background. SECRETARY GENERAL: Well fellahs, I won't keep you long 'cause I know you're hungry and you want to meet the aliens! Smith's really nice, by the way [Smith is slapping Chuck in the background] Anyway, I'll keep it short. What we do is dissolve the rest of UN and make the Space Nations instead and make a big alliance with these guys so they can take over our planet help us along! You know, guidance and everything. So whaddya think? Crowd cheers, except for BIOLOGIST who is sitting in the back.
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