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| - A simple guide to check whether your beliefs will lead you through the gates of heaven or to eternal damnation. To enhance your comfort and enjoyment, you may want to place yourself on a rack or wear a thumbscrew. No – Heretic! You are an atheist and will not go to heaven since you do not believe it exists. If you do inadvertently find yourself confronting St. Peter at the gates of heaven, then he will not let you in and your eternal soul will be sent to Hell (which may or may not exist for you). Yes – Carry on carefully, but be wary of most modern science and anyone called Darwin. Yes – Heretic! You are a pagan and deserve to be either a) converted, b) sold into slavery or c) put to the sword. You will not be burned at the stake since this is reserved for true heretics. However, avoid missionaries, particularly ones carrying crosses since they may stick them in discomforting places in order to teach you the true faith. No – You may go to some form of heaven, carry on. No – Heretic! You have denied the divine word of not only the Bible of the Christians, but also the Torah of the Jews and the Koran of the Muslims. You will now be stoned to death by members of all three faiths simultaneously. However, you can console yourself with bringing an unaccustomed harmony between these three opposing faiths, when they all have a good day out by throwing pointy rocks at you. Yes – Hmmm. Carry on. Yes – Heretic! You are indeed a non-believer in the Christian faith. Your only hope of salvation is to run and join either the Jews or Muslims. Get circumcised and avoid bacon butties. No – You are a sort of Christian, but you must now tread carefully on the knife edge between heresy and orthodoxy. Yes – Heretic! You are damned by the General Synod of Nicaea AD 325. You have presumed that the Son of God is not the equal of God the Father. You are an Arian Christian and deserve to be expunged from the face of the Earth along with numerous barbaric Germanic tribes such as the Goths and Vandals. Your only hope of salvation is the successful destruction of the Roman Empire through rapine, pillage and the sacking of Rome. Do not put the Pope to the sword. He may be incorrect in your eyes, but he is still the Holy Father. Ask for his forgiveness whilst you are looting his city. For it is written and sung by the Council of Nicaea: God of God; Light of Light; Lo! He abhors not the Virgin’s womb. Very God, Begotton not created, Oh come let us adore him, etc. (O Come all ye Faithful, verse 2) No – Carry On. No – Heretic! You are damned by the General Synod of Constantinople AD 381 through your denial of the Holy Ghost as part of the Trinity. You had better join the rampaging Germans by pretending you are a mercenary from the tribe of the Alans. Changing you name to Frank will help you hide your identity from any vengeful true believers. Yes – You are a good Christian, but to prove your orthodoxy, you must now try to draw a picture of the Holy Ghost. A likeness of a man in a white sheet will not suffice; that would be a Ku Klux Klan member and not the Holy Ghost. Beware of eternal damnation if you cannot give a legally valid description of the Holy Ghost to St. Peter. You will certainly be damned if the Holy Ghost came upon you, asking direction to the nearest virgin called Mary, and you did not recognise Him. Yes – Heretic! You are damned by the General Synod of Ephesus AD 431. You are a sort of Nestorian and will be exiled to the desert. Go forth and live among the Persians; there is no sanctuary for you within the confines of the Roman Empire or in any province which has at any time sworn allegiance to the Roman Pontiff. For it is sung: For He is our childhood’s pattern, Day by day like us He grew. He was little, weak and helpless, Tears and smiles like us He knew. And He feeleth for our sadness and He shareth in our gladness. (Once in Royal David’s City verse 4) No – Carry on. However, this is no excuse for you to imitate the Lord Jesus by acting like a petulant five year old and not eating your Brussels sprouts at the feast celebrating His immaculate birth. Yes – Heretic! You are a monophysicist and therefore damned by the General Synod of Chalcedon AD 451. You are a follower of the heretic Dioscorus, the Patriach of Alexandria. Your only hope of salvation is to join him in the Church of the Virgin Mary at Ephesus and kick the shit out of Flavian, the Archbishop of Constantinople. Your eyes will be gouged out and your ears will be cut off anyway. For it is sung: Christ in highest heaven adored, Christ the everlasting lord. Late in time behold him come, offspring of a virgin’s womb. Veiled in flesh the Godhead see. Hail the incarnate Deity. Pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus or Emmanuel. “Hark!”, the herald angels sing, “glory to the new born king.” (Hark the Herald verse 2). You should avoid carol singing. No – You are still currently orthodox, although you now show signs that you are willing to follow whatever the Roman Emperor (either of them) decides is in vogue. Beware that your arse licking may lead you to follow false prophets. Yes – Heretic! You are a Gnostic. You must now logically accept that you also believe that there was no humanity in our Lord Jesus Christ. You would now have to admit that you believe he did not eat nor go poo-poo. Therefore, you are a believer in phantoms and not much better than a superstitious pagan. It is no good relying on the fact that the other two hypostases of the single God (viz. the Father and the Holy Ghost) are spirits of some sort. Go forth and hide in a cave. No – Did you really understand the question? It doesn’t really matter as long as you accept the words of the Holy Pontiffs, apart from the heretical ones. Carry on. Yes - Heretic! You are a Monothelite. You are damned by the 3rd General Synod of Constantinople AD 680. Surely you can see that since there are two natures in the one Christ, then there must be two wills. Your only hope of salvation is to slay the Emperor, otherwise you will go to Hell where the Devil will poke your behind with a red hot trident. No – Good. By your correct answers to these first ten questions, you have shown you are an orthodox Christian of some sort. You appear to believe that our single God is three faced – the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. His second face is also two faced with two wills. Beware that this God is clinically schizophrenic, but if you do not mind following the rantings of a psychiatrically loony divine being, then you will go to heaven. If this version of God is too silly for you, then try becoming a Muslim. It gives access to the same heaven, except that Islamic paradise has loads more booze and virgins.
* Is it OK to sculpture statues of the saints?
* Are the bones of St. Mark holy?
* Would you touch the preserved ear of St. Timothy?
* Would you kiss the potted, pickled pecker of St. Peter? If No to any of the above then you are an Iconoclast. Heretic! Such wanton disregard for Holy relics is damned by the 2nd General Synod of Nicaea AD 787. Having your eyes removed is too good for you, but it will do for now. Even if the Lord Jehovah commanded Moses not to make graven images, he obviously meant only pagan ones. Your bald patch will not be cured by the Holy Waters of Lourdes. If Yes to all, then you are a good Orthodox Christian, but beware of being sold Holy Leftovers of the Last Supper which were found in the Holy Dustbin. Yes – Good, you should go on a Crusade to the Holy Land. You get Brownie points for the numbers of the following that you put to the sword: Jews, Nestorians, Armenians, Maronites, Jacobites, Coptics and Sunni Muslims. Do not slay Shiite Muslims since they are allies, unless you cannot tell the difference. Slaughtering Catholics by mistake whilst on Crusade is instantly forgiven. You may also sack Constantinople regardless of the faith of the Byzantine Emperor. No – Heretic! But if you are too pusillanimous to take up the cross and help purge the Holy Land of heathens and heretics, then you can still be redeemed from Hell by giving the Pope lots of money. Send your gold and silver by donkey post to Relief of Jerusalem Appeal, PO Box 86, The Vatican. Yes – Heretic! You are an Albigensian and a crusade is on its way to execute your menfolk, rape your women and eat your children. You are only allowed to sustain these beliefs by living in an approved monastery or nunnery which has a three star or above rating in the Papal Michelin guide. If you deny the Holy right of man – be he a peasant, a merchant, a knight, a king, a priest or a Pope – to make loads of money and spend it on fast cars and loose women and/or men, then you are a Communist. Be prepared to live a very bland mortal life and suffer eternal damnation in Hell. You will not go to Heaven where there are plenty of fast cars, loose women and loose men. No – Would you like to be a bishop? Fringe benefits include big house, loads of serfs, plenty of virginal nuns, lots of communion wine and Benedictine liqueur, and dispensations from monarchs to eat venison and swans. Beware of propagating too many bastard children. Yes – You are a hopeless romantic to set forth on such an impossible task since the Grail is probably a metaphor and not truly tangible. However, if you do find it, then send it to: Lost and Found Relics Dept., PO Box 45, The Vatican, Rome, and your reward will be in Heaven. No – Heretic! You must give up your seat at the Round Table. You must guard the purity of the beautiful Queen. Do not even think of looking for the key to her chastity belt whilst the King is on his Holy Quest. However, you can avoid damnation by purchasing a dispensation from the Pope and saying 50 Hail Marys whilst in the act of union. Yes – Heretic! You have blasphemed unless you are a saint. To prove your saintliness, you can try dying very horribly either by lions or beheading. You may still be a heretic unless the Pope is convinced there is a good case for your Beatification. Ensure that you have very expensive legal advice. If you are French and a virgin then you can expect to be burned at the stake by the English. No – Heretic! By defying the commands of the Almighty you go straight to Hell. Claiming to St. Peter that you thought the visions were due to the hallucinogenic drugs that you had taken will not save you. To get a second chance, take up shepherding and watch your flocks by night. Await the angel of the Lord to come down. Fear him not, despite your mighty dread of the glorious shininess. Follow his instructions assiduously. The moral of this question is that if you get an email from someone called Theword@Heaven.org or similar, then do not open it, but send it straight to the recycle bin. You can then deny ever receiving the message. No – Heretic! You have denied the Infallibility of the Pope who has been properly elected to his high position by the bishops, with or without bribes. The words of the Pope have been deemed the true words of God and so he can never be wrong even if he thinks that Mussolini isn’t all that bad. Your only hope of salvation is to impregnate your mistress, divorce your wife and dissolve the monasteries. Blame it all on Thomas Cromwell if queried by St. Peter. Beware also of queens called Mary and the Spanish Inquisition. Furthermore, give up speaking Latin. Yes – Good, you can now go to Catholic heaven. However, avoid parts of Northern Ireland and the town of Lewes, Sussex on Bonfire night. You also have the blessing of the Holy Father to conquer the Americas and convert the natives or give them the pox, either will do. Send 10% of all plundered gold and silver to Holy Tithes Dept. PO Box 689, The Vatican, Rome. May the two wills of God, all three of Him, go with you, Amen.
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