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| - Edvard Grieg was born in a small village named Helvete, high in the Norwegian Alps, which have since receded into the Atlantic Ocean as a result of global warming . It was September 2, 1891 and on that day a single tear of joy formed in the left eye of God. Edvard's father, a humble shepherd, was named Dyrelsker Grieg, and his mother, Dorothy, was Dyrelsker's prize winning Leicester Longwool. Although knowledge of his family tree is very limited, many historians claim that he is the great grand-nephew of Esmerelda Eliasen, a 220 kg Royal White and three time winner of "Best in Show" of the Norwegian Sheep Invitational, held, ironically, in Stolkholm every May 11. Many sheep experts deny this to be true, however, claiming that Grieg's wispy white whiskers and unkempt locks are simply not of
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| abstract
| - Edvard Grieg was born in a small village named Helvete, high in the Norwegian Alps, which have since receded into the Atlantic Ocean as a result of global warming . It was September 2, 1891 and on that day a single tear of joy formed in the left eye of God. Edvard's father, a humble shepherd, was named Dyrelsker Grieg, and his mother, Dorothy, was Dyrelsker's prize winning Leicester Longwool. Although knowledge of his family tree is very limited, many historians claim that he is the great grand-nephew of Esmerelda Eliasen, a 220 kg Royal White and three time winner of "Best in Show" of the Norwegian Sheep Invitational, held, ironically, in Stolkholm every May 11. Many sheep experts deny this to be true, however, claiming that Grieg's wispy white whiskers and unkempt locks are simply not of consistency one would expect from the descendant of such a noble animal. Edvard's home life was notoriously poor, and as a result, he became a very irresponsible and lazy student. His social life at school was inhibited by the bestiality of his father and Edvard's subsequent habit of eating grass defecating at inappropriate times, which many of Grieg's classmates used as a point of insult. By the time he was thirteen, the young Grieg had become quite alienated from his peers and was experimenting with opium, which only worsened his school and family lives. When Edvard reached the age of 15, his mother died in a Gyro-related accident, and his father ended his own life with a pair of shearers. Dyrelsker's bloody corpse was lying in the living room when Edvard came home from an opium binge. The young Grieg, in his drug induced haze, fell under the delusion that his father had been smote by the Norse god, Odin. Upon realizing this, Edvard collapsed and slept for a day and a half beside the bloodied corpse of his father. When he awoke, Grieg was visted by a raven who spoke to him these words: "Jeg baker en eple tjærebredd. Vil De liker ete en skive av det?" Which translate roughly to: "Listen to me, Edvard Grieg, your father was murderered. Murdered, I say! You, as his only son, half man and half sheep, must avenge this grevious act, this callous slap in the face of all things good and holy, this slimy, murderous, abominable, sickening display of pure and unforgivable evil. And the deplorable swine who committed such a deed, what is his name? His name is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky! Seek him out, lad! Find him and spare him no mercy, for he spared none for your dearly departed father, may God rest his weary soul!" And with that, the Raven flew out the window and back to its nest, where it was eaten by a small grue.
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