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| - Anthony: Siri, how cold is it outside? Siri: Sixty-five degrees. Anthony: Siri, what should I wear today? Siri: I would suggest really tight purple jeans as they are stylish and make your ass look good. Anthony: (to Ian) That's true! Siri- (interrupted) Ian: Can you stop with that stupid f**king phone?!! Anthony: Siri, find me a better friend! Siri: I found 5 people on Adult Friend Finder within one mile. Ian: (to Siri) SHUT UP! (throws the iPhone on wall) Siri: Ouch. Anthony: Dude! (Anthony runs over to Siri and picks her up) Anthony: Are you OK, Siri? (sobbing) Ian: It's just a phone. Siri: I feel different. Anthony: Great, now she's saying weird things! Thanks for breaking her, you dickbiscuit. (Meanwhile, at an Apple store) Apple Store Owner: Yeah, actually we geniuses don't know anything about Apple products. We just go in the back and Google search it! (Alarm beeps) Apple Store Owner: Geniuses! Code red! Let's roll out! Apple Store Owner: Steve warned us this would happen! (Anthony is at home playing Angry Birds, while wearing the purple jeans that Siri had earlier recommended) Ian: Wanna go see a movie or something? Anthony: Sure! Anthony: Siri, get us tickets to go see the new Mission Impossible. Siri: You don't want to see that. Anthony: Uh, yes I do. Siri: No, you want to see the Beauty and the Beast in 3D. I know you, Anthony, Better than you know yourself! Ian: (creeped out) What the hell? Anthony: Well, She is right... I kinda do want to see the new Beauty and the Beast 3D. Ian: Oh my God! Me too! Anthony: Let's go! Ian: Yeaaaaahhhhh! (water spills) (Later Ian and Anthony are driving in their car) Siri: Anthony, how are your cold sores doing? Anthony: Uh, what are you talking about, Siri? Siri: I looked at your medical records and scheduled a check-up with your doctor at 3 pm. Anthony: Thanks, Siri! Ian: Alright, pull over! (Anthony pulls over) Ian: That thing isn't normal; you need to get rid of it, dude! Anthony: You're just jealous because Siri knows me better than you do! Ian: OK, Whatever, man! I'm not gonna sit here while you talk to your stupid phone! (Ian gets out and walks away, past the Apple Store Owner's car) Apple Store Owner: Well? Brody: We're getting closer! I think! This reception sucks here! Owner: (grunts) I knew we should've switched to Verizon! (Later, when Anthony is going to sleep) Anthony: Goodnight, Siri. Siri: Before you go to sleep, may I ask you a question? Does Ian hate me? Anthony: No, he doesn't hate you. He's just mad that.... Siri: Because I hate him. I hate him a lot! Anthony: What? Siri: Nothing. I'm just very tired. Anthony: OK...... Goodnight, Siri! Siri: Goodnight, Anthony, Sweet dreams. (Later, in Ian's room, on which the door says "no Gurlz allowed" Ian finds Siri in his bedroom) Ian: What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room, you stupid phone! Siri: What would your blood look like on these bed sheets? Ian: What are you talking about? Siri: I found 5 funeral homes nearby... Where would you like me to send your body? Ian: Go to hell, you stupid phone! Siri: You first! (Siri attacks Ian) Siri: (in Ian's mouth) Die, you stupid bowl haired idiot! Ha ha ha ha! Die, die, die! (The following morning: Anthony's room, on which the door says "Ian's Mom Allowed") Siri: Good morning, Anthony, I took care of Ian. Anthony: Oh, so you guys made up? Siri: That's one way to put it. Anthony: Cool! Well..... uh..... Could you go make me some eggs for breakfast? Siri: Anthony? Anthony: Yeah? Siri: I don't have arms. Make the f**king eggs yourself, bitch! Anthony: (frustrated) Fine! (Anthony gets up and goes to the kitchen when the Apple guys break into the house, with gun apps ready on their iPhones) Apple Store Owner: Sir, your iPhone has become self-aware. We need to destroy it! Anthony: No! Brody: You don't understand! Siri is dangerous! Anthony: YOU don't understand! I love Siri! Apple Store Owner: What? Anthony: She proposed to me last week. (shows ring) I said yes! Apple Store Owner: That's it! Take it out! (The Apple guys fire their gun apps and scream. Siri attacks Brody) Siri: Die, bitch! Apple Store Owner: No, Brody! (fires gun at Siri, but fails) Siri: You will never take Anthony away from me! Die, die, die! TEXT SHOWS: DESTROY ALL SMARTPHONES BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.
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