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| - But by age three, and after my grandfather uttering the words in anger "Cock Sucker.." I exhibited that all important ability to communicate. The next years following that, I was in kindergarten. Teachers than noticed my inability to socialize properly with peers my age. Also my solitary nature showed up then too. It was one day where I saw an art desk, than I decided that I wanted to do my work there instead. It was then, where teachers became concerned. Even to this day I prefer to be alone, because, I feel as I'm alone, and as if I can never trust anyone from laughing at me or abandoning me. Well with the exception of my family, I can always trust them.. any ways, I was held back, because the teachers I had didn't think I could handle being in first grade. When I finally made it, I had the worst teacher ever. She would never help, and always at meetings with my parents would she pull out a list of all the things that were wrong with me. Constantly I would get punished, for the smallest of things, like say a messy desk. When others would have even messier desks, and she would reward them. In her class I felt inferior to others, so I bothered trying. It followed me for most of the school years after, I would cry at night silently for I felt I would never measure up to anyone's standards, and that I would always be inferior to everyone else. School, was always my personal hell. It still is. When I was in middle school I had nice teachers that cared about me, but as my peers changed, social rules changed, and I was thrust into the world of confusion and angst that was being a teenager, my body changed in weird ways I didn't understand then. And this dawn, an awakening and awareness came to me. I wasn't inferior to anyone, there isn't anything wrong with me. The problem is the world, they don't think that I am human, they don't think I have any rights. Conformity didn't matter any more, I grew tired of trying to pretend to be normal. Really what is normal anyway? It's a variance between everyone else, be it whether or not that person was rich or poor, a cheerleader or goth. Their lives were normal to them...so there isn't a set definition of normal. I turned goth then when I realized that, and I grew disdainful of the world. I didn't have to please them, I wasn't there to please them. And no one was going to get there amusement at my expense. Sadly that wasn't so, because when I moved down here all these girls kept annoying me and asking me stupid questions. I had 2 nice teachers who said I was way above everyone else's level. That summer afterward, June 18th 2008, grandfather died. It was the most horrid day of my life, the following months until September, I was depressed. I longed for death, and didn't care about anything anymore. If I wasn't at school I was in bed. Life didn't matter, all that there was a throbbing hole in my chest, that seemed to get bigger and bigger, threatening to consume me. After that I hated myself, I still do, I grew tired of everyone and every thing. I hated myself, because I was just so hated for existing. No one would want me around, I wasn't invited to anything. Constantly, I was threatened. People said stuff to me, like I should be locked away, or I should go die. In fact this one girl threatened me with a shoe. They were all idiots, I knew that, but I still couldn't understand why I was so blamed. People tried to manipulate me to do there bidding, and when I refused, they would laugh, and start calling me names. The black girls were always the worst. They made fun of me because I dressed gothic, asked me stupid questions that laugh, thinking that they're more sophisticated than me. Boys would start saying somebody liked me, than laugh because I was in everybody else's eyes I was the most wretched thing on earth. And teachers there never did anything about it, only I would get punished. It took 5 phone calls, and threat of a lawsuit to end it. When I met my boyfriend, his flirtatious advances felt weird. I wasn't used to being called beautiful, or having being desired before, I just believed that I was the scum of the earth and I didn't deserve it. Yet, with him I felt happy, like as if nothing else mattered. I'll finish this later.. MeganW 17:30, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
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