| abstract
| - (We open to black with the caption:) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Previously, at Tomorrowshank State Penitentiary... (We cut to a clip from "Shawshank Redemption." Warden Samuel Norton goes to the Raquel Welch poster in Andy Dufresne's cell. He pulls it away to find the time vortex and theme song from "Doctor Who.") Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, back to the escape attempt! (We cut back to the movie) Jerk (v/o): So, Emily Dickinson (Emily White) takes their son (Elliott White) out of the movie, while Jim (White) takes his ex-employer's advice and takes his daughter (Sara White) on Soarin, which somehow has a more tolerable line than "Buzz Lightyear," and then... (Jim sees a beautiful, half naked woman flying on the screen) What? Fantasy Woman: Jim? Where are you, Jim? I've been waiting for you. (Cut to Jerk next to the Cine-Kyle, played by Kyle Kallgren.) Cine-Kyle: (Robot voice) Hie euphoric mind set inspires dreamlike imagery of sexual gratification and troubling objectification undertones. (Jerk looks pleased as the theme for Cine-Kyle plays.) Fantasy Woman: (Her breasts show, but are censored with pictures of Spazz Master's head) I have something to tell you, Jim. Soon, Jim, you will be mine. You'll be all mine. Jerk: Wow, Soarin really is going international. Jerk (v/o): After the ride, he sees the gathering of the juggalos (Sophie and Isabelle) again and one of them (Sophie) actually approaches him and they (Jim, Sophie, and Sara) ride Spaceship Earth and... (The bottom of Spaceship Earth explodes, causing it to roll around and cause havoc and a bigger explosion, but it was actually another daydream of Jim's, it's still back when he meets them again.) Sophie: (To Jim) s'il vous plaît, allez! (Cut to Jerk by a parking structure.) Jerk: Oh, for God's sake, I was just there! (Cut to him back with the Cine-Kyle.) Cine-Kyle: His subconscious gave him a premonition that abandoning his family would be a feeble pursuit of youth and disastrous to his Spaceship Earth-shaped testicles and his subconscious is directed by Michael Bay. (Footage of the movie is shown as we go to closing thoughts) Jerk (v/o): Sweet... God... All... mighty, is it ever a piece of shit. Half of it bores me, half of it confuses me, and all of it pisses me off. It's not even pretentious, you have to have ambition to be pretentious. This is just fucking inept. It is such a turkey, it would confuse itself for an emu if it had a leg to stand on. I'm not the least bit surprised Disney didn't feed this troll. They would have Streisand-effected themselves into a laughingstock if they'd given half a shit about this glorified whole movie provoked into holy disastrous existence by literally some jerk with a camera. And I shit you not, to my knowledge, the closest that jerk ever came to explain why he did what he did to that poor camera was... [Jerk uses the article "Five Questions with Escape from Tomorrow Director Randy Moore" from Filmmaker Magazine website to prove his point.] Randy Moore/Jerk (v/o): I used the word “post-modern” to describe the film because apparently some people were confused by the story. So I’d say: "oh, well, it’s post-modern," and they’d just stop asking questions. (Disappointed, Jerk pushes the button on his remote. Cut to Cine-Kyle in the closet) Cine-Kyle: (Robot voice, again) Um... Wow. That's just... fucking stupid. Post-modernism is an extremely broad term covering a thousand smaller movements in art, film, literature, architecture, music, and pretty much every other medium, covering such themes as concept over content, deconstruction of narrative and identity, and celebration of intertextuality. It can be applied to everything from Madonna, to Quentin Tarantino, to Adult Swim, to the Internet in general, including this very web series. Using it as an all-purpose explanation for nonsense is as cynical a deflection as saying "I'm speaking English and that should explain everything," you fucker. Jerk: Guess what? Not impressed. Jerk (v/o): (mocking voice) BUT, OH, NO!! THE EVIL BOGEYMAN LAWYERS WILL NEVER LET THIS COME OUT!! Better see it now before they cease every copy and throw it in the deepest recesses of the Disney Vault between Song of the South and The Sweatbox. (normal) And now it's available at Target and no one gives a fuck. So, its distributors had to resort to other sources of revenue like... claiming monetization of my review, of a movie they shot at Disney World without permission. And the specific scene they singled out as evidence of my copyright infringement was the "It's a Small World" scene. Jerk: God forbid anyone else trying to make a dime off the intellectual property THEY stole fair and square, right? You know, I've been doing this show for almost five years now, reviewing primarily Disney crap. In that time, you wanna know who's NEVER come after me? Disney. Yeah, after all the footage I shot on their property without a scrap of permission, and after all the completely unlicensed from Disney movies and TV shows and promo videos and God knows what else that I used, as of this recording, not a single "evil bogeyman Disney lawyer" has even once so much as try to claim monetization. But the makers of Escape From Tomorrow did, after part one of this review was on YouTube unlisted for less than a minute. So, thank heavenly God Almighty that it was all for something other than a measly Ben fucking Stiller comedy! At least then the director might have blown up. (Cut to a clip from "Tropic Thunder." Director Damien Cockburn steps on a land mine and explodes, blowing him up. We then cut briefly to an interview with Randy Moore) Randy Moore: Please go see Escape From Tomorrow. Jerk (v/o): NO! (A fist comes from the last and punches the clip out of frame) Damn corporate whore showing his useless product! (Cut to Jerk at Santa Monica Pier) Jerk: You have no idea how much I really, REALLY wanted to like this movie. I mean, yeah, sure, I was a little jealous that Randy Moore was getting all this attention and I wasn't, but in a way, I was THE targeted audience for this film. I am so intensely familiar with its surface-level gimmick in practice, mind you, not just in theory, that I was very easily able to look past that gimmick and examine this movie as a movie. [Cut to One Movie Later where Jerk covered the same film] Jerk (v/o): I wanted to like it so much that the first time I saw it, I was convinced I was the problem, like a victim of an abusive relationship. Past Jerk: I just didn't get it. And I'm sure that's a dismissive claim. Admirers of this film will lobby against me as, "Oh, you just didn't get it." Well... you're right. (Cut to Jerk walking at the Pier) Jerk: And in a way, I guess I still don't. But in spite of absolutely everything, I am still glad this movie exists. I don't recommend it, but I'm glad it exists. Because I want it to be held up as an example, even if only a cautionary example, of what just about anyone can do nowadays. I want more people to attempt what he did, only better, and use places like Disneyland as a canvas, because...it's a pretty fucking good canvas. (Cut to original footage of Disneyland) Jerk (v/o): And that's not an accident. For better or worse, Disneyland was the first place to bring the manipulative eye of the filmmaker to an amusement park, to make its guests feel they magically stepped inside a movie. In fact, had it failed as a theme park, Walt's Plan B was to turn it into a studio backlot. (Jerk is shown at a beach) Jerk: And now, thanks to little beauties like this (Shows his camera phone), it's both. (The poster of the movie, as well as more footage, is shown, as well as various Disneyland trip videos on YouTube) Jerk (v/o): Drew McWeeny couldn't have been more wrong. This film wasn't just possible, it was inevitable. No matter what some soulless YouTube bot on the wrong side of history may tell you, no one needs anyone's permission to make stuff anymore. We never did, really, we just thought we did because they had all the resources. But now, we all have HD cameras in our pockets and worldwide distribution in our fingertips. And the very existence of "Escape From Tomorrow" means more symbolically than its content ever could, but its content is downright unwatchable. Jerk: And that's the tragedy of all this. This movie could've and should've been nothing less than a watershit film for the YouTube generation. It could've been a massive "fuck you" to the copyright Nazis on behalf of the common man. Instead, it was a "fuck you" to the common man and common sense and the concept of entertainment. (Comes to a realization) That's all Disneyland is, really, when you get down to it. It's a venue of entertainment. It's called the Happiest Place on Earth, but...happiness is an illusion. At best, it's an occasional side effect of the human experience, but it's never been the default setting. And that's why...we divert ourselves. We escape, if you will. It's the reason why we sit in a darkened room full of strangers and stare at a glowing rectangle. It's the reason why we crack open bound collections of dead tree slivers and interpret the...the symbols imprinted there in as a story. And, yes. It's the reason why, even as childless adults, we still visit make-believe fantasy kingdoms, not because we think they're real, but because we know they're fake. That ability to escape, to embrace the power of imagination over boring, horrible reality...it's what makes us human. Don't you agree? (Cut to an interview with Randy Moore) Randy Moore: I think it's because I just really wanted to explore that feeling that people have, and that mania, where you just see the mania of people just coming in, almost like they're going off the cliff together. (Jerk is stunned at what Moore said) Jerk: What? Randy Moore: Almost like they're going off the cliff together. (Jerk is not amused and disappointed at what Moore thinks. As the song "On a Real Good Day" by Robbie Fulks plays, we see Jerk standing and thinking at the beach. He brings out the DVD cover of the movie and takes out the disc. After a long moment of thinking, Jerk silently begins to throw the disc into the ocean, but can't, so he just tosses it and the case behind him in the sand. Jerk then slowly walks to his car, gets in, and starts to drive a long way, which is depicted in fast-motion time. Jerk's long driving journey is shown as the credits roll. After the credits, Jerk's car is shown arriving at his destination at a parking lot. Jerk is then shown back at Disneyland, standing at the entrance. He walks inside the park and begins walking around Main Street. He eventually stops in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle and stands there as the camera pulls back and the song reaches its close. It is greatly assumed that Jerk's love and faith in Disney has been restored permanently, and things can go back to normal.) (The end)
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)