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| - In addition to his seat in the Parliament, Salmond also has a reserved, extra-wide seat at the Greggs concession in John Prescott's old office, conveniently located right next to the pie and steak bake counter. Despite being Greggs' best customer since the death of Cyril Smith, Fatty's repeated requests for haggis pasties to be added to the menu have thus far been ignored, although he has not ruled out legislation to force the issue. If Scotland ever gains its independence from the UK, Fatty plans to nationalise all Greggs stores north of the border and convert them into McGreggors Highland Bakeries. All steak pies will be made from Aberdeen Angus, stottie cakes will be replaced with Bannock Bread and tattie scones topped with Morangie Brie will replace the bacon and cheese melt.
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| abstract
| - In addition to his seat in the Parliament, Salmond also has a reserved, extra-wide seat at the Greggs concession in John Prescott's old office, conveniently located right next to the pie and steak bake counter. Despite being Greggs' best customer since the death of Cyril Smith, Fatty's repeated requests for haggis pasties to be added to the menu have thus far been ignored, although he has not ruled out legislation to force the issue. If Scotland ever gains its independence from the UK, Fatty plans to nationalise all Greggs stores north of the border and convert them into McGreggors Highland Bakeries. All steak pies will be made from Aberdeen Angus, stottie cakes will be replaced with Bannock Bread and tattie scones topped with Morangie Brie will replace the bacon and cheese melt. Despite his sober demeanour and ever expanding girth he can dance a mean tango and rip the skirts off Latin lovelies with one smooth move of his hand. Public office means that this is a rare occurrence, however there may be on the odd occasion a "dress down" Friday. Sadly, Fatty's version of 'Dress Doon' is slightly different from other peoples and several cases of sexual harassment are currently pending. As Worst Minister, Salmond was best known for his hobby of promising voters in Scotland lots of lovely free stuff that his Government hadn't got a hope in hell of paying for, saying: "Why worry about where the cash is coming from, we aren't!" He claimed Scotland would be better off going its own way, but then tried to get Westminster to pay for vanity projects such as the Fat Eck Third Forth Bridge over the River Forth. He also holds the world record for the most Haggis' swallowed whole in one sitting, currently standing at 149. He regularly flew around in a helicopter borrowed from a rich benefactor with the callsign 'Haggis One' much to the amusement of those in Scotland., as nicknaming a borrowed helicopter like the US President's aircraft Air Force One proves he thought he was Generalissimo of Scotland, when in fact everyone else thinks he's simply a fat haggis muncher. In August 2011, it was revealed that Fatty had also held the post of Chief Scottish Botty Licker to media tycoon Rupert Murdoch. For this role, which involved much scraping and bowing as well as the occasional belly dance, Fatty was paid in live haggis. In addition to meeting the media tycoon three times and promising him "a real good time" if he were ever to visit Scotland, Salmond was also a guest at a Sun newspaper staff curry night in Glasgow, although his flatulence was so bad that bosses vowed never to have him back. Having never forgiven Idi Amin for daring to name himself King of Scotland in the 1970s, Fatty had a secret plan to have himself crowned King of Uganda, thereby laying to rest a slight that has been bugging him for ages. He commissioned a Ugandan national tartan to be worn at his coronation and the McLatchie Kilt Manufacturing Company of Kirriemuir were kept on full alert to begin work on his costume. If he whad won the Scottish independence suicide referendum in 2014, Salmond wanted a film to be made about his career entitled 'The Last First Minister of Scotland'. It doesn't sound quite as catchy as 'The Last King of Scotland', but the only man who dared to suggest this to him is now tied tae the signpost at John O'Groats, covered in Dundee Marmalade, being slowly pecked to death by seagulls.
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