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| - Kickassia Part 05: The Fall of the Risen Linkara: This is ridiculous! We've got NO strategy for this! Plus, he's my arch enemy! It's just...annoying! Benzaie:...No, they're right. We've got to fight madness with-with madness. And... And he's the craziest we've got. *looks past a disbelieving Linkara.* Are you ready there, Doc? Dr. Insano: *maniacal laugh* I WAS BORN READY!! HAHAHAHA! Character on TV: Hey, Hogan. Who's that? Hitler on TV: *German speech* Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hey! You gave into the madness! That's awesome! NC: You miserable cockasaurus! Insano: Sorry, Critic. But your reign of terror is at an end. Now, a NEW reign of terror begins! MY reign of terror! HAHAHAHAHAHA! NC: *getting up* Alright, you beaker sucking bozo. You want a piece of me? Well, you've got it. NC: ...OW?! NC: Hey, that hurt! Film Brain: DIE! DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!! NC: OH MY GOD! NC: NOSTALGIA CHICK! Insano's gone... insane! Help me out here, will ya?! Nostalgia Chick: Oh. Of course. Where are my manners? NC: THAT'S Insano. Nostalgia Chick: *while pointing at her forehead* I need new glasses. NC: No offense, but--- *He punches the Nostalgia Chick and she falls to the ground.* Insano: Eagle 1, Eagle 1! This is Test Monkey 2! The NC is down! Repeat, the NC is down! MarzGurl: *from the other end of the walky talky* Good work, Test Monkey! Return to base after you've destroyed the body. Insano: Not so fast, Eagle 1! I have a few requests before I dispose of the body. MarzGurl: What do you mean? Insano: Well, first of all, "I" want Kickassia! MarzGurl: But... THAT wasn't part of the deal. Insano: I am ALTERING the deal! Pray that I don't alter it any further. Oh, wait. Another alteration. Hahaha, you didn't pray hard enough. Insano: Uhm... I would also like my own flag made for me. One with the Evolution of Man, except with ME at the end of the line. Oh, and I'd also want my own ice cream parlor. There's never an ice cream stand around when you REALLY need one. Oh, and it better Goddamn well have Chocolate Chocolate Chip! God HELP you if you don't have Chocolate Chocolate Chip! And perhaps a... *He starts turning around, seeing the NC* A, uh... Oh. Insano: What ever happened to the purity of unarmed combat? NC: Well, this is superconductor electromagnetism. Certainly you've heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It will levitate my rocket chair, once it finally arrives. And it also levitates... me. Insano: You do realize you're just standing on your tippy toes, don't you? Insano: Ha! Your superconductor electromagnetism is nothing compared to SCIENCE! NC: But it IS science! Insano: Well, I'm sciencier! NC: Knock knock. Insano: Who's there? NC: GUN! *pulls out a gun and points it at Insano* Insano: *screams like a little girl* Insano: *pointing at the NC* SURRENDER! NC: No! Insano: Alright, just thought I'd give it a shot. Benzaie: Wait, don't kill him! NC: Why not? Benzaie: Well, technically, it's still Spoony in there! NC: Mmm, I think I still wanna kill him. Insano: OH GOD! Benzaie: Wait, it's not his fault! NC: *looks sharply at Benzaie* What?! Benzaie: ...Well, maybe somebody put him up to it! NC: What are you talking about? Linkara: Nothing! He's just French. *pushes Benzaie behind him* They just talk. Go, go ahead and kill him. Insano: I don't wanna DIE! NC: Is someone conspiring against me? Linkra: What gave you that idea? NC: When he said that someone's conspiring against me. Benzaie: I didn't say that. Insano: I still have so much more science to do! Linkara: He doesn't know what he's talking about. NC: Oh, would a few holes in the DOCTOR HELP?! Insano: NO! Benzaie: NO! NC: Then what's going on?! Insano: I want my mommy! Linkara: Nothing! I assure you, nothing is wrong. NC: You're a part of this, aren't you? Benzaie: Me or him? *points at Linkara* NC: Either! Benzaie: YES! Linkara: NO! Benzaie: NO! Linkara: YES! NC: You ARE against me... Insano: Help me, Santa! Linkara: You're just paranoid, Critic. NC: Who else is in on it?! Insano: Help me, Jesus Christ! Linkara: We're all your friends, Critic! NC: Are you?! Benzaie: Yes! NC: ARE YOU?! Insano: Help me... SANTA CHRIST! Insano: ...Well, gee, THAT'S sad. Linkara: *sadly* You... just... KILLED Santa Christ! NC: You all saw it! He came at me with a chainsaw! MarzGurl: We heard gunshots! JewWario: Did it come from a GUN?! BennetttheSage: Holy smokes! *looks at NC* You killed Santa Christ?! NC: I didn't MEAN to, it was an accident! LordKat: My God, the greatest combination of Christmas icons is dead! NC: Yeah, I... guess he is... HandsomeTom: This is a sad day for Handsome Tom... 8BitMickey: And 8 Bit Mickey. *Goes crying into Handsome Tom's embrace.* AngryJoe: At least he died a good, STRONG man. 3DLee: And three dimensionally. FilmBrain: *stands up, rubbing his head* Hey, guys, what did I miss? *sees Santa Christ* SANTA CHRIST! NOOOOOOOO! BennetttheSage: Shoulda been holding an Uzi. NC: ...Wait a minute. NC: Isn't Santa Christ made out of the hopes and dreams of people everywhere? Maybe, just maybe, if we wish hard enough, we can bring him back to life. Phelous: No, Critic, no! That's crazy talk! NC: But do you dare try?! DO YOU DARE TRY?! ...Come on, people. Let's show what it truly means to believe. NC: *looking into camera* And now, all the people out there! Anyone who ever cared about a treasured icon! Sean: I believe in Santa Christ! MikeJ: I believe in Santa Christ! Guru Larry: We believe in Santa Christ! Goggles: I believe in Santa Christ! Coldguy: I believe in Santa Christ! Little Miss Gamer: I believe in Santa Christ! Lanipator: We believe in Santa Christ! KaiserNeko: I believe in Santa Christ! Dominic: I believe in Santa Christ! Last Angry Geek: I believe in Santa Christ! That Jewish Guy: I believe in…wait you want me to say WHAT?! Dena: I believe in Santa Christ! TheCat: Santakuraisuto o shinjiteiru!"" ”「サンタクライスト」を信じている！*Subtitles read "I believe in Santa Christ!"* Guy Lynor: I believe in Santa Christ! Takahata101: I believe in Santa Christ! Y Ruler of Time: I believe in Santa Christ! MasakoX: I believe in Santa Christ! NC: And now, all the people watching at home! Come on, say it with us now! NC: Nope. That did nothing. Toss him. Phelous: Told you it wouldn't work. NC: Yeah, it didn't work 'cause you're a doucheface. Angry Joe: Dammit! We have to think of something and think of something fast! LordKat: I dunno, I still think Dr. Insano might work. Insano: *laying down with a cloth to his head* I feel like a puppy that's been raped by a bulldozer. Angry Joe: No no no no! *punches 8 Bit Mickey, who just staggered up behind him* No more Mr. Insano! We HAVE to think of something else! Phelous: I think our last option after our... last option is Linkara. Angry Joe: Yeah, you might have a point. Angry Joe: What do ya say, Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that... strategic mumbo jumbo. Linkara: *puts gun down* Joe Joe Joe... I know we've had our differences in the past. Angry Joe: We have? Linkara: Yes. I don't like you very much. Angry Joe: *sadly* Oh... Linkara: But your love of destruction mixed with my love of PLANNING destruction might serve us well. Angry Joe: So you'll do it? Linkara: *looks back at Joe* It's my JOB to do it! Linkara Patton: Alright, troops, here's how it's gonna work. We're gonna hit him during the day. We're gonna hit him like crap through a goose! Now then, the reason we're hitting him during the day is because it'll be less likely he'll have the detonator on him, especially when we let him have it! 8 Bit Mickey: *laying face down on the ground, sounding muffled* Let him have what? Linkara Patton: The greatest plan that man has ever known! Paw: That's a game of Risk. Linkara Patton: Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here! *He points to Iceland on the map, right between those two nations.* Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina. Bennett The Sage: Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected! Linkara Patton: No they don't. Bennett The Sage: Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect! Linkara Patton: They do? Bennett The Sage: Well I thought so. Paw: I thought you needed dice for this. Linkara Patton: Do you? Paw: I dunno. JewWario: How DO you play this game anyway? Board James: Well guys... *Picks up box of Risk* Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. (Writer's note: Good GOD, this game is complicated.) The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it! Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James! Board James: Well, thank YOU for the, uh... obligatory cameo. Bennett the Sage: Anyway, who's turn was it? JewWario: I think Paw had the dice last. Paw: Let's do this! *rolls dice* Linkara Patton: Hey, wait a minute! What are we doing playing a game?! We're planning a strategy! JewWario: But this game is so much more fun, though! Linkara Patton: We're planning a TAKEOVER! JewWario: Alright, already! JewWario: *putting on a voice* Who is it? Film Brain: *sounding put down* It's Film Brain... JewWario: *putting on a different voice* How do we know it's really you? Film Brain: I wouldn't want you to know it was me, so I wouldn't ADMIT it was me... MarzGurl: ...Confusing enough. Bennett The Sage: What are you doing here, bitch snitch? Film Brain: I want to help you take down the Critic. *Lee starts pawing at him* That is, if you'll still have me. *Film Brain smacks Lee's hand away.* Paw: Yeah? How do we know you're not gonna double cross us? Film Brain: Because... Because... BECAUSE THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC KILLED SANTA CHRIST! MarzGurl: *tentatively patting his head* There... there... 8 Bit Mickey: So, you're saying you want vengeance for Santa Christ? Film Brain: *pushes away from MarzGurl and says angrily* I WANT HIS FRIGGIN HEAD! 8 Bit Mickey: Good. Then we're all on the same page now. *taking Film Brain under his arm* Now, we just decided that Linkara was gonna plan the attack. And you just missed a humorous cameo from Board James. We're just about to talk about how we're gonna bring down the empire! Film Brain: Good. Very very good. Linkara Patton: Good, everybody set? *Everyone nods* Alright then, now, listen carefully! We've only got a few days to plan this out, so let's get it right! Linkara Patton: Alright, men. Let's take him down. TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT EPISODE!
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