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| - Oh shit. Pull - over. Hate those words. Don't you? The worst fucking words in the English language. In fact, make that any language. Combined they're Satan, literally god damned Satan. And those just happened to be the words he chose. And that fucking politeness is so creepy. Anyway, there's traffic whizzing past on either side and he steps into my lane. My lane. And this is a motorway, so everyone's doing 70 miles an hour. So that's just stupid isn't it? Wait. This is a motorway, right? Or maybe it'll be worse. It couldn't be? He wouldn't...in public, surely he wouldn't...
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| abstract
| - Oh shit. Pull - over. Hate those words. Don't you? The worst fucking words in the English language. In fact, make that any language. Combined they're Satan, literally god damned Satan. And those just happened to be the words he chose. And that fucking politeness is so creepy. Anyway, there's traffic whizzing past on either side and he steps into my lane. My lane. And this is a motorway, so everyone's doing 70 miles an hour. So that's just stupid isn't it? Wait. This is a motorway, right? Shit, shit, shit. I'm not going to be able to stop in time and I'm gonna run him over. He'd probably make a horrible squelching noise. I hate that noise. And it'd be so loud. And ahh! Then what? And think of the mess on the tyres and the hours of cleaning that would ensue. Or I guess I could pay for a car wash, or something, but meh, they're all fucking communists out to screw you, those car wash people. Or maybe they're capitalists, I forget. But anyway, if I did squash the policeman it'd be totally fucking from there on. Shits. I really could do without policeman blood on my tyres, bonnet, and possibly even windscreen. I hate the way they say "sir". So bloody patronising. They know they're a higher life form than us, so they rub it in. Like that time they unearthed the rotting body of my dead cat. Two police officers knocked on my door. And at first I think it's the pizza, so I get up all excited and hungry and then it turns out to be the fucking cops. You can imagine my disappointment at seeing cops instead of tasty cheese and tasty tomato. They're all solemn, hats off, you know. Concerned. And then they fucking started offering their condolences. And I'm thinking "Yes! That old bitch's finally managed to succeed at death..making me fucking rich!". But then the policemen go and spoil it by throwing the cat in my face. Actually throwing it! Can you imagine it? One of the idiots had been holding it behind his back, and then he catches me off guard and throws the dead body straight at me. So there's all like dead cat and blood in my face. And I can't see for cat shit. I just stand there utterly shocked and then the other policeman goes "We found your cat - it's dead". Cops are getting fucking smarter every day. I have a feeling that officer was a Captain. So I like untangle the cat from my face and go and dump it in the bin. And I'm all like "cheers, thanks" and shit. And then the Captain goes, "Woah, one second, no way! You're not the Ginger One are you?". I'm not even fucking ginger, for god's sake! And I go like all "sorry but no". And then guess what. Then he takes his bloody truncheon out and fucking smashes me in the face with it and then runs off giggling with my lunch money. My lunch money! I was going to buy something with that, like lunch or something. And when I perform the autopsy on good, ol' Roger (our cat) - in the family kitchen - I find severe internal bleeding. Obviously this was caused by repeated blows from police truncheons. Bastards. (Or at least that was my educated guess - years of Casualty and CSI and Shakespeare got me through the online doctors' degree) So here I am. I can see the bureaucratic, son of a bastard and a bitch, clipboard-holding, arse-licking, shit-eating, gay, raping, bastard, shit-eating, pornstar, retarded Nazi police officer waving at me and smiling warmly. Idiot. What's he want me for? He's probably going to ask me to step out of the car and bend over so that he can pull my trousers down and spank the kinky shit out of me. I can see it now. Or maybe it'll be worse. It couldn't be? He wouldn't...in public, surely he wouldn't...
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