| abstract
| - The Caveman, cavemen, rat bastards or sasquatchian troglodyte meat beaters, were a group of prehistoric humans, led by He Man, who gained international attention and world-wide success for killing off the dinosaurs sometime during the beginning of time. Their fondness and remarkable detail for cave paintings, fugly sticks, useless violence and obvious lack of exercise made them cool. Unfortunately, the misuse of dairy product farming methods, assumption of the existence of the one known as "Negromancer", various miscommunication errors (as nobody knew any language at the time) and the over-flowing population of most caves took up the best of them, causing a long series of war and bloodshed among the community, resulting to their early extinction and the first reported sightings of UFOs.
- The Cavemen are a group of primitive barbarians who lived in their cave. After Chichak kills the Cavemen king, he becomes the new king of the group. Later that night, a Caveman is seen outside roasting something on a rotisserie. Inside the cave, the Cavemen are seen having dinner, which consist of a lot of meat from animals they've killed. Two Cavemen are also banging rocks and sticks on logs for playing music, and three bow to Chichak, who is sitting on a stone comprised throne. A Cavewoman is seen feeding her children meat, but one begins to fight over the one that took it. Another Cavewoman offers Chichak some meat, who assumes it's Quadrupedal, so he refuses. The Cavewoman begins to grunt to have him eat it, while three Cavemen watch her. When Chichak finally takes it, he takes a strip of it and finds it to be not bad before continuing to eat. Outside, the cooking Caveman is seen taking two big chunks of meat of his dinner. The meat he is eating reveals that it is the Caveman king. As Chichak finishes his meat, he orders all of the Cave people to listen to him. He tells them that he's looking for others like him, but they don't seem to get it. He repeats it again by saying that they look like him, and wants to kill them. However, they still don't get it and go back to eating. One Caveman tells him sit down, but Chichak doesn't want to stay with them, but to find his enemy. The Caveman tries to calm him down, but Chichak shoots his head, shocking the others. Chichak then takes some blood of the dead Caveman and makes two familiar marks on the wall, shocking the others with surprise. When he asked if they seen the marks before, all of the Cavemen agree and point outside to tell him where they are. Later, Turok is seen in his cave and hears a noise, believing it's Sepinta. However, it's a Caveman and he attacks him. Turok throws his tomahawk at the Cave Dweller, which didn't kill him yet. When the Caveman proceeds to strangle him, Turok sinks it deeper and tore it out, which is enough to kill the Caveman. As he gathers his bow and arrows, several of the other villagers are attacked and killed by the Cavemen. One Caveman lifts up a villager and the shadows shows that Caveman rips him apart. A little girl is attacked by a Caveman, but Turok shoots it with three arrows, which didn't killed him. When it saw him, Turok shot another arrow and this time its chest, but it wasn't deep enough, which allows the Caveman to remove it. When Turok asked Sepinta what does it take to kill these "men", Sepinta responds that they are not men. She knocks down the Caveman and it gets impaled by the three arrows, which still didn't killed it. The Caveman is still alive and then tries to pull Sepinta to have her impaled by the arrows, but Turok successfully saves her by finishing off the Caveman with an arrow in its head. Catori and Andar are attacked by a Caveman, which gets shot by Andar with an arrow, but he didn't die. He tries to remove the arrow completely, but only gets half of it. When Catori asked what they are, Andar said they're devils. The Caveman was about to attack them, but he gets bashed in the head by Turok's tomahawk. Turok tells them stay in the opening when they fight them, and warns them if they get cornered by them, the two will die. As he goes out to fight the Cavemen, at least two villagers are impaled by a spear thrown by the Cavemen. Four female villagers tried to get to safety by climbing on a ladder, but a Caveman shakes the ladder and throws it and the four villagers off the cliff as they die from their falls. While Turok aids Koba, Chichak was about to shoot him, but only for Koba and a villager to chase him. Chichak kills the villager as Koba catches him to kill him. Chichak stabs his right leg, which gives the Cavemen the chance to kill him. Koba uses a spear and tosses some of the Cavemen to the void. When Sepinta sees Chichak, she was wondering who is he, which Turok tells her that he's his enemy. As Koba bravely tries to fend them all off and prevent them from reaching the other side, the fight triggers a hole in the bridge, with a Caveman dangling on to him to not fall. Koba gets him off as the Caveman hollers in horror and falls to his death in the void. As Koba gets back up, some of the Cavemen have already reached the other side, but are killed by Sepinta and Turok. He then tells her to cut the bridge or they'll keep coming until they'll be all dead, but Sepinta rushes to help Koba. When she tries to help him, Turok tells her to do it, but Sepinta will not allow Koba to die. With no choice, Turok pushes her out of the way and prepares to cut the ropes. Koba nods at Turok to do it and accepts his fate. Turok cuts the ropes, which sends Koba and the caught Cavemen to the void, killing them. Sepinta looks down with sadness and sorrow of Koba's loss. Without the bridge, Chichak and the other Cavemen can't reach the other side, but he tells Turok to look behind him. A lot of villagers have been killed, with Chichak vowing to kill Turok and the others, and reclaim his father's blame. Meanwhile, the Carnotaurus initially leaves to find food for herself. Turok proceeds to follow and ends up finding the lair of the Cavemen. Suddenly, one of them appears out of nowhere and knocks him out. Turok then wakes up with scratches on him and has his arms tied to a pillar. He is surround by several Cave Dwellers and Chichak arrives with the tomahawk that used to belong his father. He chats with Turok about it and having Turok's chief killed. Turok yells at him that his chief was his brother. Chichak then asked him why was he not fighting by his side. He then sinks his hand in one of Turok's wounds and goes deeper. He then uses Turok's blood to make the mark on his face. When he asked him where are Catori, Andar and the villagers, Turok refused to answer. Chichak then begins to slash him with a knife. Meanwhile, Chichak arrives with two Cavemen and reveal they've captured Andar, who secretly followed Turok. Chichak threatens to kill Andar if Turok doesn't tell him where the cliff people are. Later, Chichak then spares Andar and tells the Cavemen to watch over them. Andar becomes sad and blames himself, but Turok tells him his father's strength is in him and Turok himself. While the Cave Dweller picks lice off of the other's head, Turok tells him to do what he needs to do when he gives the signal. When Turok frees himself, he tells Andar to do the distraction. When Andar acts like he's a child, the Cavemen hear him and investigate to hear him. Turok knocks one a Caveman out, and the other one sees him and tries to attack him, but Turok impales it with a spear. The other Caveman recovered and tries to attack him, but Andar wraps his arms around his neck, but he gets tossed. Turok then throws the spear and it strikes the Caveman right on the left shoulder, killing it. As the two get out, blood begins to come out of Turok's cuts and lets them drop on the floor. When Andar asked what is he doing, Turok says, "From blood follows blood." As they walk, he leaves a trail behind. The smell of blood attracts the Carnotaurus. The dinosaur then finds them as Turok pushes Andar out of the way to prevent him from being eaten. Turok uses a spear tied with a rope from the tip and end. He uses it on the Carnotaurus's mouth like the reins on a horse. He is able to tame it and get it to head to the mountain with two peaks and Andar gets on. Meanwhile, while the villagers were on their way to the summer hunting grounds, one of the Mastodons stepped on a sharp rock. Sepinta tells the others to put what she carries on the others. Catori then tells Sepinta that one of the women said that she sent no one to find Andar. Sepinta says that Andar may come back himself, but the truth is, she can't spare anyone. Catori asked if she must go alone, Sepinta tells her she would die. Catori begs for her to help her find her child, but Sepinta tells her that he's not a child and if he went after Turok, she can't make others pay for his mistake, much to Catori's dismay. Suddenly, falling rocks are thrown by the Cave Dwellers. They managed to trap them and they begin to attack. Chichak is successfully able to kill many of them. One of the Mastodons has been killed. Aniwa and her terror bird both fight off several Cavemen, but her mount is eventually killed (later the people will take her terror bird to the Lost Land animal hospital). Sepinta and Catori both shoot arrows at the Cavemen. One Caveman was about to kill Catori, but Chichak shoots him and he threatens to kill her himself. Suddenly, Chichak sees the tamed Carnotaurus with Turok and Andar. The Carnotaurus steps on several of the Cave Dwellers as Chichak tries to shoot it, but misses. Several of the other Cave Dwellers are knocked off the cliff. Andar jumps off the dinosaur and to find Aniwa. She gives him a hug, and Aniwa tells him that the others said he was dead, but she knew he would come. Andar says that the man defends the people he loves. Suddenly, a Caveman attacks them, but the two kill it with two knives. Andar shoots his arrows, while Aniwa uses her knife to fight off the Cavemen. The Cave Dwellers even try to fight the dinosaur. The Carnotaurus devours one of them and Turok jumps off the dinosaur. Turok slashes several of them with the tamed dinosaur aiding him. When Catori said, "What a beast,", Sepinta is shot in the head by Chichak. Enraged, Turok charges at him and they wrestle each other. Chichak is able to punch him a few times, but Turok manages to get his father's tomahawk and tosses it in the air before grabbing the handle again. Chichak picks up his gun, laughs and says, "Die, Turok!" He then fire his gun, but the bullet missed. Turok then threw the tomahawk and it went right through Chichak's neck. Chichak tries to cover his neck from bleeding, but fails. Chichak is dead as his severed head falls on the ground. The tamed Carnotaurus then stomps Chichak's head flat, then his body lays on the ground. The dinosaur roars at the villagers, then approaches Turok and snarls at him. Lightning is then shown in the background. Turok remains still as the Carnotaurus reveals blood on her teeth. She makes a few growls as if she is trying to communicate with him to either thank him or telling him that she must do something else. The remaining Cavemen try to sneak past her, but she catches them. The Cave Dwellers run for their lives as the Carnotaurus chases them. With Turok letting the Carnotaurus live and the Cavemen to leave them being chased, he turns back to see everyone with Sepinta, who is dead. On top of the summer hunting grounds, everyone is seen with torches and plan to burn Sepinta's body, her weapons and items. They all look down with sadness and sorrow for the loss of their chief. Aniwa sobs as she and Andar let go.
- In Mother 3.5, the Cavemen are the guardians of the Seven Needles instead of the Magypsies. The reason for this is explained in the "Seven Needles" article. They were originally the watchmen that protected each individual trigger wired to the Three-Mile Army's last-ditch effort bomb, but after the Three-Mile Army was destroyed, the watchmen couldn't escape their subterranean labyrinths. Instead, they lived for a VERY long time underground, exposed for far too long to the switches they guarded. The genetic exposure tied their existence to the switches, so that after the switch was pulled they would cease to exist. Unfortunately, there were other effects that the switch had on them- they became blind and deaf, and completely silent as well. They could not stand light, and it caused them pain. As such, the "Cavemen" stayed by their switches, waiting for somebody who could save them. One of the switch-watchers managed to NOT become a Caveman. His story is a strange one, and he called himself Fassad.
- Brad: Hey, you want to see a show that'll make you miss that sitcom about Hitler? (Cut to footage of the show to be reviewed: Cavemen) Brad (vo): Then sit your asses down and let's check out the show that everyone knew was gonna be... terrible. And... it was. Brad (vo): In 2004, the auto insurance company, GEICO, introduced us to their new marketing characters, the GEICO Cavemen. Sort of a send-up of modern political correctness, the joke was that these present-day cavemen exist among us in regular society. Brad: (somewhat confused) Thus no longer making them cavemen, I guess... Brad (vo): And they become easily offended at the company's slogan, "It's so easy, a caveman can do it." Which, if cavemen are a normal part of society, then sure, that comes across as an extremely racist thing for a company to not only say, but keep saying over the course of the campaign's several-year run! Brad: And you know modern business practices: the second someone complains, they keep doing said offensive thing over and over again! (looks upset) Brad (vo): More importantly, if I were a caveman, the slogan itself would upset me because it doesn't even make sense. Brad (vo): Cavemen gave us fire and the wheel. Brad (vo): GEICO gave us a talking gecko. Brad (vo): Now, if the slogan were, "It's so easy, Eegah could do it," then I would understand. Brad (vo): That bastard couldn't even survive an Arch Hall, Jr., movie. Brad: (burying his hands in his face) This is already the stupidest episode I've ever written. Brad (vo): But you know what isn't easy? Television! Thanks to the 2007 series, Cavemen, if television were easy, then GEICO could do it. But they couldn't. (Cut to shot of the failed TV series Baby Bob) Brad (vo): You'd think people would have learned their lesson after the colossal failure of the also-based-on-a-commercial Baby Bob series. But I guess the lesson couldn't be learned, since no one fucking watched it and therefore are completely unaware of its dismal existence. (Cut back to Cavemen) Brad (vo): The entire marketing campaign itself is based on a one-joke premise, so they certainly have their work cut out for them: making a television series. Turns out the show was not only an unfunny one-joke premise, but also somewhat offensive! And it was canceled after airing only six episodes. Brad (vo): It later turned up on the Chicago Tribune's list of the 25 worst TV shows of all time... Brad (vo): ...and TV Guide's list of the biggest blunders in television history. (Cut to another clip of Cavemen) Brad (vo): The New York Post declared the show "extinct on arrival", and there's some truth to that. Brad: Let's be honest: very few actually went into this show with an open mind. Upon even hearing the news that a series was gonna be made out of the GEICO Cavemen, this thing was written off as trash before even one word was written into the script. Brad (vo): You can argue whether that's fair or unfair to the show or its creator Joe Lawson... (Cut to a shot of the cast of Modern Family) Brad (vo): ...who later went on to the much more highly acclaimed series Modern Family. Brad: But regardless of any preset bias that people had going into the show, it's... still... not very good. Brad (vo): The bad luck all started with the series' unaired pilot, shot in 2007, which, after a disastrous test screening, did not see the light of day until a 2008 release on Australian television. But like other great shows, at least it gives us a little backstory in the opening, in case we have any questions. Narrator: Since the dawn of existence, only one noble race of human beings has withstood the test of time. Though many thought this unique breed of man was lost in the bitter winds of the Ice Age, here they are, among us, on the streets and sidewalks of modern life. These proud men and women may not look like you, but they're just like you. This is the story of three of them. Brad: A couple things... Brad (vo): Much like the commercials, they no longer live in caves, so really, it's just a show about guys with long hair and beards. (Cut to a shot of the cast of Duck Dynasty) Brad (vo): Which I guess is a fucking thing now! Brad (vo): And why would we be completely unaware of their existence? One apparently ran for president, looks like this one was an astronaut... It seems like everyone should know they're among us. Brad (vo): But right off the bat, the tone for the entire series is established. Newswoman: A market on Dominion Avenue becomes the latest in a recent spree of night robberies. Newswoman: The robbery was caught by this in-store security camera... Caveman #1 (Andy): (watching) Great. Why did it have to be a caveman? Caveman #2 (Joel): Of course it's a caveman. They only put it on TV when it's a caveman. Brad: Ha-ha! The cavemen are minorities! Except they're white... Brad (vo): (noticing one caveman's hair sticking out) And they have an extra bone in their head... Newswoman: The police have released this sketch. (to her right, a sketch of a caveman is displayed with the words "Primal Fury") Police are asking anybody... Joel: I mean, look at that! Is that supposed to be one of us? That thing looks like a hairy baby raisin! Brad: (looking quite disturbed) Believe me, I... I get the commentary, and I... I understand that they're trying to be clever... but there's not really a joke there, beyond him being called a raisin and being made up to look like a monkey. (chuckles nervously, then shrugs) Buy our insurance! Brad (vo): But they aren't completely unrelatable. Joel: (to a third caveman (Nick)) Don't put the empty waffle box back in the freezer, all right? It gives me the impression that we've actually got waffles. Brad: I can totally sympathize. Sometimes I create the cheeseburger Hot Pockets, (gets angry) but somebody puts the empty box back in the freezer, thus crushing my buttery cheese-and-meat-stuffed heart, (looks offscreen) DAVE! Brad (vo): Oh, and when one of them is a sellout, they're portrayed as stereotypically white! Caveman Weather Anchor: I took this great shot across from the street my house just to show you, spring is in the air, which is really weird, (the weather forecast, which is relatively hot during the Fourth of July) 'cause it's summer! Real hot! (dons an Uncle Sam hat) Joel: Are you kidding me with this guy? Look at him! This guy's a joke! Brad: (feeling uncomfortable) Yeah... take that, Al Roker... (looks toward his cat, sitting on the back of his couch) Right? Brad (vo): I'm sorry, this is bugging me. How oppressed can they be... Brad (vo): ...when one ran for president in the 1940s? And what does this even mean? If we're going by history here, did the caveman win the presidency? And is this implying that Truman is part caveman? Brad (vo): And with its continued race bait comparisons, it has the subtlety of a Nick Swarsdon stereotype. Brad (vo): Oh, God damn it, of course! Coworker: (to Joel) I need a time of your timeout. Hard one. A half hour? Forty? Brad: You may think this show is slightly cutting-edge because it doesn't have a laugh track, but I'm willing to bet that it does. It's just that unfunny. Joel: (to the coworker) Actually, you see those people behind you? Coworker: (looking behind him) Yeah? Joel: Those are customers. Coworker: Do I have to talk to them? Joel: Go. Go, go! Coworker: (walking away) What do I say? Joel: Go! Coworker: Help? I don't know what to say. Brad (vo): There goes Swarsdon, thus robbing us of all the Bucky Larson magic that could've been brought to the show. As for our leads, there's Joel, whose plot revolves around being in a relationship with a white girl, and in a surprising bit of casting... Brad (vo): ...stand-up comedian Nick Kroll plays Nick... Brad (vo): ...the slacker-style militant ultra-PC caveman, whom foes outrage at the drop of a hat. There's also Jamie, who was replaced in subsequent episodes by Superman Returns's Sam Huntington and renamed Andy. Joel wants dearly to get Kate's blessing from her father so that they can get married... (Cut to a shot of the poster for Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?) Brad' (vo): ...but think less Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?... (Cut to a shot of the poster for Guess Who) Brad (vo): ...and more Guess Who. Joel: (to his girlfriend) Without his blessing, I just feel like he's not accepting me, you know, especially after what happened. Girlfriend: Baby, that wasn't that big of a deal. Joel: I hit in the head with a golf club. Brad: Okay, why did you hit him in the head with a golf club? Girlfriend: He was surprised more than anything else, really. Joel: I just hated to play right into the stereotype. Brad: Ha ha ha ha, yeah, it's like clubbing him in the head, 'cause he's a caveman. Okay, why did this happen? Girlfriend: Have I ever told you that I've always had a thing for cowboys? Brad: Okay, never mind. I guess more important shit to tend to. Brad (vo): (seeing Nick dressed as a cowboy) This guy looks like Hank Williams, Jr., right after the accident. But you got to hand it to Nick Kroll; he is a genuinely funny stand-up who really tries his damnedest in a show where he really didn't have to. But I'm glad he did. Joel: (addressing another caveman) You know what this reminds me of? The time I saw Boys Don't Cry with my mom. That's how uncomfortable I am right now. Brad: That would be funnier than what I've seen so far, because some of these analogies are starting to make less and less sense. Nick: (to Joel) You don't even know these people. Joel: No, I do know these people. They've been oppressing our people for 750,000 years. Brad: Really? That long ago? How are you being oppressed in a time period when there was nothing but cavemen? Brad (vo): Another amazing fact: the show went eight whole minutes before making its first Flintstones reference. Joel: Hey, you watch TV, it's all politically correct, but they aired The Flintstones six times a day. I mean, it's just freakin' hypocritical. Jamie: Yabba-dabba-doo! Joel: Seriously, don'tâ don't do that. Brad: At least a laugh track thought that The Flintstones was funny, and that show was animated. Why the hell did that have a laugh track? Nick: I hate to break it to you, Jamie, but, um... WE'RE CAVEMEN! Brad: Again, no, you're not! You live in an apartment! That's like saying everyone in the human race is five years old. Yeah, we were five â once. Brad (vo): Seriously, they just look like '70s porn stars. I'm waiting for them reenact Forced Entry, not spew out caveman jokes. The cavemen are invited to a function at Kate's father's country club, and in case you forgot they're supposed to represent minorities, they'll remind you â again. Jamie: (as the cavemen drive to the country club in cowboy duds) I was gonna wear this regardless. Nick: Yeah, I was wondering what Reba McEntire would look like if she was a Cro-Magger. Joel: Please don't use that word! Brad: Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! 'Cause it's kinda reminiscent of that one word... oh, what is it? Um, uh... ninjas! Oh, wait, no, that's not the one. Brad (vo): And why is Nick in on this joke? He's the one who's been so uber-P.C. about cavemen relations this entire episode. (the cavemen approach the White Neck Country Club) By the way, it's a predominantly white country club, so... Joel: (to security guard) Can you please check the list again? Security guard: (examining clipboard) Last name? Joel: Again, it's Claybrook. Security guard: I have no pass for Claybrook. Joel: (getting back in car) I'll try Kate again. Nick: What a shocker, no pass for the Maggers. Brad: Maggers?! I'm watching a car full of white guys complaining about racial slurs that they're calling themselves! That's not even stupid white people problems, that's just bad writing! And Maggers? That sounds like a pet name someone would give their grandma. Brad (vo): Oh, what about its ultra-hip soundtrack? Brad (vo): Not only is Jet offended to be in this series, but so is the rift from Lust For Life. But that's not all. Look! They snuck in, by driving around the place in a golf cart, 'cause I guess that'll work. Brad: The song isn't for them. They're just playing it because Uncle Buck showed up. Kate's friend: I think you're a genius. This must just drive your dad completely insane. Brad: Yeah, but not because of the whole race thing, but because you're in the show Cavemen. Kate's friend: What's his sex like? Is it true what everyone says? Brad (vo): Well, of course they got big dicks, but not because they're supposed to be black, but because I'm still convinced that they are John Holmes, Ron Jeremy and Harry Reems. Kate: Thanks for dressing up, Nick. Nick: Thanks for inviting us, Kate. Brad: (shrugs) He did dress up. Don't you see the stupid makeup he's wearing? Brad (vo): And holy shit, John Heard was in something even deadlier than The Sharknado! Kate: (to Joel) I told you, he just has a weird way of showing affection. (Joel grunts) When I won a spelling bee in fourth grade, he gave me a box of steaks, for crying out loud. Brad: Yeah, but that was in his (a poster of Cutter and Bone pops up) Cutter and Bone days. He was a bit more intense back then. This article is a . You can help My English Wiki by expanding it.
- Cavemen cannot get auto insurance. I'm sorry, but they just can't. This article is a stub. You can get a Tip of the Hat* from Stephen by adding only truthiness to it.*Tip of the Hat not guaranteed.
- Cavemen is a sitcom created by Joe Lawson for ABC, developed from the GEICO Cavemen series of commercials. As in the commercials, cavemen are an extant species separate from Homo sapiens, who live and work amongst modern society. The series follows the lives of three cavemen: Joel, Andy and Nick, who share an apartment in San Diego.
- There are cavemen in three locations in the level Sierra 117.
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