| abstract
| - Friedrich: My opponent embraces the discredited science of causality. I believe that everything happens at once with no order or reason, and events have no cause or sequence. Diedrich: I accept the growing scientific consensus that effects are produced by causes. Even now, a series of events may be occurring all around us. Friedrich: Mr. Diedrich cannot prove that causes are linked to effects. It’s junk science, and I will not teach it in public schools. Instead, we will spin, spin, spin, all the day long. Diedrich: There will also be spinning in my schools. We will teach the controversy. Diedrich: Did you know that I will advance the cause of everyone? My administration will be built on fairness for all things and people. Friedrich: So, if you are fair to all people, does that mean you will even be fair to... Ultra Satan? Diedrich: This is a mistruth and a nonfact. I do not support Ultra Satan. If there is an Ultra Satan in this world, I will do everything in my power to kill or capture Ultra Satan. Friedrich: Well, Ultra Satan is an adorable bunny-soft kitten. He is in my pocket right now. This man will kill a baby sweet kitten. Ultra Satan is very scared. Diedrich: First, my opponent has given his kitten a terrible name. My second point is that I do not believe he has a kitten. I defy him to produce this kitten. Friedrich: This kitten is a private matter and I see no need to release it publicly. This is a distraction from the real issues. Diedrich: I will donate FIVE MILLION GOLD to a charity of my own choice if my opponent produces documentations of transcripts of this kitten. Friedrich: I refuse to dignify this challenge with a response. Also, Ultra Satan disappeared somehow. Let us not talk about Ultra Satan. Diedrich: When I am a president, there will be free medicine for every person. Nobody should be too poor to combat their sniffles. Friedrich: Mr. Diedrich paints a nice picture, but how will he pay for this medicine? Well, let me tell you: he will not pay! He will steal the medicine from people’s cabinets while they sleep! Diedrich: This is a thing I do already, and let me tell you, it works great. I am on over seventy pills at this very moment, and my body feels hot and awesome. Friedrich: You have heard him true: this man is a pills head who will take your pills and eat them. Diedrich: I love to do it and I’m not sorry. I want everyone to have tons of pills. Everyone will feel great. Let’s all trade pills and have a party. Friedrich: My opponent would have you believe that his tie is honest, but think again: his tie is a clip-on! Diedrich: This is categorically false for all time. In fact, my tie is an old sock that I used to stop up a neckbleed, and then I fell asleep for some months and my skin grew over it. Friedrich: People of Gaia, that is disgusting and very cool. We do not need a president who is that bad of a ass. That is too rock and roll for the presidency. Friedrich: My plan for health care is simple: everyone gets one pill from the doctor, and they can use it for whatever. And also, everyone gets to be the doctor on their birthday. Diedrich: What about people who have been kicked in the head by a horse, and would make terrible doctors? How about their birthdays? Friedrich: People wish mushed heads will be special Fun Doctors, and the only thing they can prescribe is funny hats. Diedrich: I admit that this idea is the best. From now on it is also my idea. Diedrich: I think there should not be any wars. When I am a president, everyone will get along and be happy. Friedrich: I agree here with my opponent, except that there will be a couple of wars probably. Diedrich: Definitely one or two wars. Maybe a lot of wars sometimes. But in general, no wars. Friedrich: Yes. Sometimes some wars. A couple of really big wars. Friedrich: There is something my opponent is not telling you about his campaign: there is no office of the presidency on Gaia. He is making it all up for attention. Diedrich: In that case, why is my opponent also running for president? Is he so egotistical that he would run for a nonexistent office? Friedrich: This is not true. I am running for legitimate president. It is very different from what you are doing for some reason. Diedrich: When I am president, I will repeal and replace the Marketplace tax. I will replace it with a much bigger Marketplace tax. Friedrich: I pledge that I will not raise any taxes. Taxes cause there to not be jobs, because people spend less money hiring people. Diedrich: But I need taxes to fund my government programs! Friedrich: And what are your government programs, Mr. Diedrich? Because probably they are frivolous and unnecessary. Diedrich: My government program is buying the fastest car and the biggest car, and then crashing the fastest car into the biggest car. The biggest car will be driven by the fattest man. Friedrich: That is #%$&ing messed up and cool. We have to do that. We need more taxes for that. Friedrich: I pledge that there will be less teens playing bad music and more teens listening to really good music. Diedrich: My opponent is dead wrong, because he thinks that jazz is good music. FACT: jazz is terrible, and people just pretend to like because they think they’re supposed to. Friedrich: FACT: jazz is pretty cool. Some jazz is OK if you give it a chance. You can rock out to a little jazz. Diedrich: FACT: it is impossible to rock out to jazz. Teens need to rock out at all times, or their bones will not develop into big ripped muscles. Friedrich: Rocking out also leads to bad stuff, like getting pregnant. Jazz does not get you pregnant. Diedrich: Rocking out and getting pregnant leads to babies, and babies grow into more teens and more rocking out. This is the basic circle of life and I support it. Jazz-only education does not work. Diedrich: Let us not forget that my opponent, behind closed doors, was heard to remark, “47% of Gaians is a total chungus.” Friedrich: I meant by weight, not by volume. Diedrich: Now you are just digging yourself in deeper. I am for 100% of Gaians, not just the 53% who are not a total chungus. Friedrich: This is classic “gotcha” politics. This is “tickle party” politics. My opponent is engaged in “rumpus room” politics. Save it for the locker room with the boys, fella. Friedrich: Exploration of the cosmos must be a top priority. Let’s get a guy out of here. Let’s build a taller ladder, and use it to build an even taller ladder. Diedrich: The cosmos is very costly to reach, and once you’re there, there is very little to do. I say let us dig deeper into our planet! Let us explore the space under our feet. Friedrich: My administration would move upward, not downward. There is nothing below us but dirt and treasure and cool bones. Diedrich: By digging, we could have access to that treasure and cool bones. In space, we have only stardust and melancholy. Friedrich: But what if the cool bones form wrathful skeletons and punish us for disturbing their slumber? What now, fats? Diedrich: I am scared now. I think you made everybody scared. You are a bad person. Diedrich: We must do everything possible to explore all forms of renewable energy, including wind, solar, and dog energy. Friedrich: Dog energy has not been proven to be reliable enough for large scale energy production! My opponent is clearly being influenced by dog lobbyists. Diedrich: The only reason dog energy has not been viable in the past, is that it has rarely been tested outside the labradory. We must fund research and newer, better treats! Friedrich: What if the treats are too good? And what if these dogs fall into the hands of those who would do us harm? Diedrich: Have you read the studies? New Pug-based dog energy systems have almost no danger. They are timid, and their tiny mouths can't bite us. Friedrich: The National Council of Stainfighters has declared my opponent “NOT TOUGH ON GREASE.” Diedrich: I believe that we must try to reform and rehabilitate grease, rather than cruelly sponging it to oblivion. Friedrich: Some grease cannot be rehabilitated. It will stick to your pan forever and turn into crud. Diedrich: When the time comes to get tough on crud, I will be tough on crud. But let us not waste good grease when we could be using it for cool stuff, like sliding down banisters. Diedrich: My opponent has been known to consort with rockabillies, former rockabillies and suspected rockabillies. There will be no room for rockabillies in my administration. Friedrich: I have had discussions with those who share different views than my own, but I deny any involvement with rockabillies or rockabillism. Diedrich: He pals around with the same rockabillies that devastated Gaia with their Rooster Struttin’ Rawhide Ruckus! Friedrich: The Rooster Struttin’ Rawhide Ruckus was a tragedy, and I vow to punish the rockabillies responsible for it. We will follow them to the ends of their driveways. Diedrich: Can we really trust a man who has been seen fraternizing with men with pompadours and cigarette cartons rolled up in their sleeves? Friedrich: Think about this: My opponent gets a call at 3 AM. There's a huge space clod headed our way. Can you really trust him to make the right call? Diedrich: Yes! My advisors and I have gone over such a situation many times. I know the right call to be made. Friedrich: And that would be...? Diedrich: We'll deploy the giant trampoline to catch it, or hopefully, bounce it back into space. My opponent supports defunding the trampoline department. Friedrich: The trampoline department will be unnecessary once we build a large enough lasso to catch and hogtie space clods. We need to increase funding for the hogtyin' department! Diedrich: That's ridiculous, there is no hogtyin' department! You're just remembering episodes of TV shows now. Diedrich: As president, I vow to finally put an end to the tortoise parade. It’s been going for seven years, nobody really likes it, the streets are all blocked and the tortoises aren’t even halfway done. Friedrich: I like the tortoise parade. I want to keep the tortoise parade. Diedrich: Finally, a clear choice emerges. Vote for my opponent if you want to keep the tortoise parade, vote for me if you want to get rid of the tortoise parade and also I’ll give you free ice cream. Friedrich: Hey! That is NOT fair. Diedrich: I'm going to put an end to pets participating in major sports. Their advantages are too great, and they surprise and confuse the regular players. Friedrich: I disagree. There's nothing in the rulebooks to say a golden retriever can't play basketball, or that an orangutan can't play baseball! Diedrich: Not for long. I'm going to add "no pets" to all the rulebooks. Friedrich: There's nothing in the rulebooks that says you can add that to the rulebooks! Diedrich: There's nothing in the rulebooks saying I can't! Friedrich: Have you even read the rulebooks? Diedrich: I'm not even sure they exist. Diedrich: If you'll remember, during primary season my opponent swung far into extremes on many of his stances! Now he claims to be a moderate. Friedrich: I stand by all of the stances I've ever made on the campaign trail. Diedrich: Even the ones that blatantly contradict the other ones? Friedrich: Especially those. Diedrich: So when you said that we should double down on cat education without raising taxes, you were planning on raising that revenue... how? Friedrich: By making deep, deep cuts in cat education. Diedrich: I thought you were going to double the funding for cat education! Friedrich: I'm going to cut it, and then fund it. That way, everyone's happy. Friedrich: I vow on this day that I will be the man who finally cleans up the cat barf behind the refrigerator. For too long it has been an embarrassment to our nation. Diedrich: What my opponent is not telling you is that he would clean up the cat barf by crawling back there and eating it, which is heck of gross. Friedrich: I have the resolve to tackle the dirtiest jobs. When no one else will eat the cat barf that has been behind the refrigerator for two months, I will do it. Diedrich: I vow to raise the national bedtime ceiling. We cannot let petty politics put Gaia at risk of missing the raunchiest late-night television. Friedrich: The current bedtime is rising all the time. It is unsustainable. Soon, we will wake up grouchy and sluggish. We must bring our national bedtime back in line with reality. Diedrich: Our opponent would have you believe we can sleep our way out of this problem. No: we must stay up later and later, and watch dirtier and dirtier television, or we will fall behind the rest of the world. Friedrich: It is not possible to fall behind the world. Gravity does not work like this. Friedrich: Let’s get back to what matters: the economy. Personally, I would like to be super rich and leave a lot of losers in the dust. Everyone wants that. Eat my dust, losers. Diedrich: But when everyone is rich, there will be no more losers to leave in the dust. Then there will be no point in being rich. Friedrich: That is why only certain people get to be rich. Let’s say one in every hundred people will be rich, and the other ninety-nine will be total losers, covered in dust. And they get to eat the dust. Diedrich: This is fair and reasonable, but we must ensure that our losers have access to high-quality dust that billows impressively when we whiz by on our golden motorcycles. Diedrich: Did you know that my opponent promotes industries that will harm our environment? His campaign is almost entirely funded by the tornado lobby. Friedrich: I have accepted generous contributions from several tornadoes, but they were sustainable and environmentally friendly tornadoes. Diedrich: That is right: my opponent is in bed with Big Tornado. He will let the tornado industry keep creating bigger and bigger tornadoes until all of us are sucked up. Friedrich: The judicious use of “clean tornado” technology will create thousands of jobs in the construction and insurance industries. I am pro-jobs and pro-tornado. Friedrich: Mr. Diedrich would have you believe he is a friend of public safety, but he is soft on arson. Diedrich: I am also soft to the touch! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This was a little joke. Friedrich: Are you joking about arson? This is very serious. Diedrich: I may be “soft on arson,” by my opponent is “soft in the head!” If you catch my drift! Tell me, are you picking up what I am laying down? Friedrich: This is not funny, Mr. Diedrich. You have repeatedly advocated freeing all arsonists from prison because you enjoy fires. Diedrich: I do enjoy fire... ing you from a cannon! Ha ha ha! OK, bye! Bye everyone! Goodbye! Friedrich: The debate is still going, Mr. Diedrich. Diedrich: Ha ha, that’s terrific. Bye! Bye bye, guys! See you later! Friedrich: The question remains: why won’t Mr. Diedrich-- if that is his real name-- release his birth certificate! Diedrich: I would rather not dignify this nonsense with a reply. Friedrich: What is my opponent hiding from the Gaian people? Where is the certificate? Diedrich: If you must know, I was not really born. The process of my creation was so shockingly disgusting that the people would hurl en masse if they knew about it. Friedrich: Oh. Me too, actually! Ha ha! High five! Diedrich: Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you: I shook my opponent’s hand at the start of this debate, and it was cold and clammy, and my hand still feels greasy and smells like sheep. Friedrich: My sebaceous glands secrete many oils, and I am proud of those oils. I am slick and waterproof. I would be our first waterproof president. Diedrich: My opponent’s oily fur is a distraction from the real issues. How can we pay attention to his policies if we keep smelling our hands because our hands smell weird? Friedrich: My oils could be an important national resource, maybe. Perhaps we could use them for fuel. I am highly flammable. Diedrich: Do we really need, during these dark times in our national experiment, a flammable president? Vote for Diedrich. I cannot be killed. It is impossible for me to die. Friedrich: Mr. Diedrich, isn’t it true that you are consistently voted as the least popular citizen of Gaia, and everyone is very tired of you and becomes highly annoyed whenever they see you? Diedrich: Yes, I acknowledge this. But this is not a popularity contest, my friend. Plus, you are exactly like me, but arguably crappier. Friedrich: I believe that you are crappier. That is the choice we must make in every election: we must vote for the one of two crappy guys, because one of them may be less crappy. Friedrich: As we all noticed last week on the campaign trail, my opponent is very prone to gaffes. What if he calls our friends abroad "fiends" again! Diedrich: I meant to call them fiends! They knew I didn't want to do their strange foreign dances, but they grabbed my arms and forced me. Friedrich: Some diplomat you are. You should indulge them and enjoy foreign traditional dances as a sign of respect. Diedrich: It wasn't like any traditional dance I've ever seen. Several of the gentlemen were wearing hardly anything at all, and I certainly didn't want to get into the hot tub. Friedrich: Wait, what? Which country were you in? Diedrich: It was the otherwise glorious nation of Papa Chino's Electro-rave Dance Club. Despite the slight dance issue, our relations with them are stronger than ever. Friedrich: That doesn't sound like a country. Where is it on the map? Diedrich: Right next to a diner and a sheet metal place. Diedrich: My record is one of unparalleled success and unstoppable resolve. I even gave the order to vanquish our greatest enemy-- the possums that lived in the mall uptown. Friedrich: Anyone holding office would've made the same call! You shouldn't be able to take credit for that. We ALL wanted the possums gone. Diedrich: Yeah, but I did it! And now we all can enjoy the mall's juice bar again. Friedrich: So what? That juice bar is terrible now. Someone found a possum tooth in a mango smoothie. Diedrich: Thanks to me! Diedrich: This election is more important than ever. The next president may have to appoint one or two new justices to the Supreme Bigtime Hypercourt. Friedrich: There's no such court, unless you're talking about the nine stuffed animals you keep on the shelf above your bed. Diedrich: They work hard and they keep things fair for everyone. I check and balance them regularly so they don't fall over. Friedrich: Most of them are filled with jellybeans! I do not recognize the authority of the Supreme Bigtime Hypercourt. If I'm elected, I will abolish it. Diedrich: Good luck, my friend. I called "no takebacks, no abolishies" when I created it. Friedrich: I have a brand new tax code for all Gaians that will greatly simplify doing your taxes and make the system much fairer for everyone. I call it my 7-7-7 tax plan. Diedrich: That'll never work! The tax code we have now, while somewhat complicated, is much fairer to those who have less income. Friedrich: Oh, my system is perfectly fair. Everyone is on the same level playing field. We'll change tax day to casino day! Diedrich: Am I to assume that your 7-7-7 plan involves taking everyone to the casino to play... slot machines? Friedrich: You betcha! And roulette! And free drinks for everyone! Heck, the highest earners might even get comped for rooms and meals. Diedrich: I support this new plan and propose we gas up a national fleet of party buses immediately. Friedrich: I'd already thought of that and done one better: Let's put our retired orbital shuttles back to work and bring taxpayers to a space casino! Diedrich: I have absolutely no rebuttal. Diedrich: Let me ask you this, my friend. You seem to be well-learned, but what magazines and publications do you read to keep up to date? Friedrich: Ah, well, let's see. There's so many. I guess I read... all of them? Diedrich: You read all magazines? Even Beartrap Weekly? Rat Washer's Digest? Crudtoucher? Friedrich: Yes. All of those and more. Diedrich: Gout Chronicle? Yeast Breeder? Turtle Fancy? Tub Clogger News? Musk Regarder? Friedrich: Yes, I have subscriptions to all of them. Diedrich: Gnat Magazine? Extra Fingers and Toes? Ambivalent Ham Radio Semi-Enthusiast? Humble Dog? Friedrich: Absolutely, I even read Chickenkeeper, Modern Wrassler, Narcoleptic Farmer, and Cow Judger. Diedrich: Well, I'm impressed. Friedrich: When I am president, I will make sure we are the strongest and the safest. That is why I will spend tons of money buying weapons and cool war stuff, et cetera. Diedrich: To be safer, we must be smarter. We cannot win fights with donkeys and switchblades anymore. Friedrich: I disagree. Donkeys and switchblades are essential to our future victories. We must double down on the failed policy of donkeys and switchblades. Diedrich: We must not twist objects of peace into weapons of war. Switchblades are for greaser street toughs to pick their teeth with, and donkeys are to be eaten. Diedrich: My opponent cannot keep his views straight. He is a flipper-flapper. He will think a thing, then he will think a whole other different thing. Friedrich: Sometimes it is good to change your mind. For example, as a baby I believed that I should just pee anywhere, whenever. And then I decided that I should only pee in sandboxes. Diedrich: Please note that my opponent is not telling the whole true tale. He has once again come back to believing he can pee wherever he wants with no regard for manners. Friedrich: I am peeing even as we speak, and I love it. Call me a flipper-flapper, but which one of us takes more joy in peeing? Diedrich: Please do not pee right now. Please stop peeing. Friedrich: With Gaia’s economy is turmoil, we must ask ourselves: what has Mr. Diedrich accomplished in the last four years of his presidency? Diedrich: But I am not president yet. I just started wanting to be president one day before you did. Friedrich: Exactly. You have accomplished nothing. Your administration has completely failed to be president for the last four years. Diedrich: If elected, I will turn this around and be 1000% more president. You have my promised guarantee of ensured truth on this. Friedrich: I will be twice as president, and harder. Friedrich: I am very disappointed in my opponent for running such a relentlessly negative campaign. This bickering is not what Gaia needs. Diedrich: You’re the one who ran the radio commercial calling me “a witless sack of horse butts, a coward, a wiggly little eunuch, a wispy green turd, a bad idiot guy.” Friedrich: Well, you ran a television commercial that was just a slowly zooming-in image of my butt with lots of terrible construction noises and jungle animal sounds. Diedrich: I stand by the facts presented in that commercial. Also, you sent out a flyer accusing me of “going full bogman” at a recent two-keg rager. Friedrich: There is footage. You went full bogman. You cannot deny going full bogman. Diedrich: I only went partial bogman. If I had gone full bogman, you would know it. But I am a party animal, and will gladly go full bogman if the situation demands it. Friedrich: No situation, no matter how hard the party is raging, warrants going full bogman. Diedrich: This is my official campaign slogan. “Diedrich: Willing To Go Full bogman When The Party Gets Super Sick.” Diedrich: Did you know that my opponent has made several attempts to suppress voting? It is true, and it is very disturbing. Friedrich: This is not true. I was merely trying to discourage voter fraud, which is a widespread and nonexistent problem. Diedrich: You have rigged up the voting booths to electrocute people if they try to vote for me-- how does this prevent fraud? Friedrich: It prevents it perfectly and I am very smart. Let’s change the subject completely and then forget about this. Friedrich: My opponent has a very shady past. During his college days, he was known as Count Drankula. Diedrich: This is a misleading half-truth. I never attended college. Friedrich: But you don’t deny lingering at college parties with two straws in your mouth like fangs and sneaking up and sucking peoples drinks up with the straws? Diedrich: My Count Drankula phase was brief and it happened a very long time ago. Friedrich: You were photographed at a college party in your Count Drankula cape as recently as 45 minutes ago. Diedrich: 45 minutes is a very long time to me. Time goes very slowly when you’re as drunk as I am right now. Friedrich: You have also attended many high school parties in the guise of The Chugwolf, and I am not even sure I understand that concept. Diedrich: The Chugwolf is a simple concept: I howl a lot, and after the party I finish everyone’s unfinished beers and then lick the spilled drinks off the floor. Friedrich: That is awful. You are truly a problematic individual. Diedrich: Can Gaia, in good conscience, vote for a man who does not understand the concept of The Chugwolf? Diedrich: I've got a bit of a bombshell to drop here. It seems some internal emails from my opponent's campaign have been leaked... Friedrich: Those are private, and I will find out who did this. Thankfully, though, there's nothing incriminating or offensive in those emails. And they're not from me. Diedrich: There's one in there-- from you-- with the subject line, "Voting is for losers, old people, and old losers." Friedrich: Voting can be for losers while also being for cool people. Voting is for everyone! It's factually accurate. Also, it's not from me. Diedrich: Or this one: "No cool people are going to show up to vote. It'll probably be a bunch of dumb babies who act weird and have bad-looking faces." Friedrich: Obviously, any baby who shows up at a polling place MUST be dumb because it is not old enough to vote. I stand by my statement, even though I didn't write that. Diedrich: And this: "Why does every person I meet smell like sour milk? Is it just me? Every one of them smells DISGUSTING. I hate them all." Friedrich: Yeah, they're really yucky. Good thing I didn't write that, though. Friedrich: My opponent supports a shady government program that involves those strange trails of clouds left behind by planes. Diedrich: Ah, yes, there's much concern from conspiracy-minded folks about those trails. They are harmless. Friedrich: Is it true that those trails contain chemicals that influence our thoughts and actions? Diedrich: Not at all! Those trails contain delicious sugar-derived sweeteners. They make everything taste better. Have you tried it? Friedrich: No. How sweet are we talking? Diedrich: REAL sweet. Try it. Go on, lick the table. Friedrich: Well, maybe just a taste... Wait, no! Diedrich: Aw, I almost had him licking the table.
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