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| - Darkness, then Universal Studios logo. Fade to scene of pyramid with the sun behind it (sun fades into giant eye). Giant Voice: BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!! Just kiddin'. Sorry, I just had to do that. Giant Eye fades back to sun. Camera pans down over giant Sphinx statue with an extremely goofy expression on its face. Pans over several views of ancient Egyptian city of Thebes. Narrator: Thebes. City of the Living. Crown Jewel of Pharaoh Phil II, otherwise known as Phil the Pharaoh. Phil the Pharaoh drives by in his chariot (which is made of cardboard and pulled by a bunch of actors in horse costumes). Switch to scene on balcony of temple. Narrator [continuing]: Home of Ihotemp...Impoteh...er, Imhpote...damnit, IMHOTEP!!, Pharaoh's High Priest, Keeper of the Dead. And the doughnuts too. Imhotep pulls a doughnut out of his robe, turns his head and quickly eats it while he thinks no one is looking. Cut to scene inside temple, where a scantily clad Angelina Jolie is walking. Narrator: Princess Shap-Elli-But-Tocks (but since that's too hard to say we'll just call her "Shap-Elli"), Pharaoh's wife. Other men were forbidden to touch her. Priests all bow as she walks by. Priests: Hail, Princess Shapely Buttocks! Hail, Princess Shapely... One priest's face starts doing contortions and he starts snickering as he tries to keep himself from laughing out loud. Priest right next to him smacks him and shuts him up. Priests alongside the walls pretend not to notice as she walks by, but one (the one who snickered) secretly gapes at her large buns wagging back and forth. Priest 2 smacks him again. Shapely...er, Shap-Elli enters room where Imhotep is waiting. They begin passionately necking. Cut back to Priests in other wing of temple, who are attempting to shut the door on Phil the Pharaoh. Pharaoh forces door open. Pharaoh: What the hell are you guys doing here? Priest: Oh, nothing. Just helping your high priest in his plot to murder you, take your wife and rule the empire in your place. Pharaoh: Oh, ok. That's nice. Carry on then. Pharaoh turns around to go, when suddenly he stops and jerks back around. Pharaoh: WAIT A MINUTE! I just figured it out. You guys are helping my High Priest in his plot to murder me, take my wife and rule my empire in my place! Priests [all nodding at one another]: He's catchin' on! Brad Pitt--er, Pharaoh, storms into room where Shap-Elli is waiting. Pharaoh: SO! Though you could deceive me that easily, huh? I'm much cleverer than you think! Suddenly, Imhotep appears from behind and grabs the king's sword. Pharaoh turns around. Pharaoh: Aha! Imhotep! I knew you were planning something like this all along. Am I a genius or what? Imhotep: Your deductive powers amaze me, your highness! Shap-Elli suddenly stabs Pharaoh from behind, but misses. Shap-Elli: Oh damn. I need to practice this more. Imhotep attempts to hack at Phil with the sword, but he misses and hacks apart a statue of Bastet instead. Shap-Elli stabs at Phil and punctures her leg. Shap-Elli: Oh F***!!!!!! Pharaoh: HA! Murdering, plotting high priests these days. Can't do anything by themselves! Here, lemme show you guys how to do it. Phil grabs the knife from Shap-Elli and stabs himself in the gut with it. Pharaoh: Oh s***... Phil falls over dead. Imhotep and Shap-Elli look at each other. Imhotep: Well that takes care of that. Suddenly, they hear voices and shouts from the next room. Imhotep: F***, it's Pharaoh's bodyguards! Shap-Elli: Go on and save yourself. Imhotep: That's awfully selfless of you! Shap-Elli: Well, you're going to resurrect me, right? Which means putting yourself in danger of the gods' wrath by stealing my body from its crypt and bringing me deep into Hamanuptra and removing the Book of the Dead from its sacred place, and of course I'll just be snoozin' in the underworld the whole time, which means actually that I'm being pretty selfish. Imhotep: B****. Imhotep's priests appear and begin to drag Imhotep away. Pharaoh's bodyguards, the Medjai, burst into the room. Shap-Elli turns to face them. Imhotep: Remember what happens to traitors in the underworld though, my dear! Shap-Elli: Damn. Oh well, it shouldn't last TOO long. Medjai move forward to arrest her. Shap-Elli: My body is no longer his temple! Go soak your heads. Shap-Elli stabs herself, but misses. Shap-Elli: Oh dear, now how did he do it again? Imhotep watches from the next room. Imhotep: Both hands, dear! Remember? He held it with BOTH hands! And make sure it's properly centered! Shap-Elli: Oh yeah, now I remember! She successfully stabs herself...in the face. Imhotep: *SIGH* Oh well, at least she did it. Shap-Elli is dead and other Ancient Egyptians are shocked to see that she committed suicide. Cut to Imhotep and his priests riding out to Hamanuptra, City of the Dead, in the middle of the night. Narrator: For his love, Imhotep and his priests stole into Shap-Elli's crypt in the middle of the night and stole her away to Hamanuptra, City of the Dead (And the doughnuts). Other voice: What's with that cheap doughnut gag you keep pulling? You think people are actually going to LAUGH at that?? Narrator: Well, they laugh at it in The Simpsons....anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Imhotep risked the wrath of the gods... Other voice: But that's totally diff-- Narrator: AS I WAS SAYING, Imhopet...I mean, Impohet...er, Iphomet...fuck, you messed me up!
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