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| - The PRISONS. JOHNNY is pressed against the bars, facing towards camera and holding a bone. A DOG sits in the foreground, looking disinterested and generally MANGY. KEYS dangle from his mouth. Come on, come and get it, come on. Here we go, look what I've got, come on...bit closer, bit closer... The DOG, bored, ambles off. JOHNNY continues to face the camera, waving the bone about. JOHNNY (cont.) Come on. Look at old Johnny. Look, a nice, juicy reference for you. Yes it is, yes, a big ol' reference. Look how clever we are! Come and get it, come on, you common, slavering hordes! This is TRUE.
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| abstract
| - The PRISONS. JOHNNY is pressed against the bars, facing towards camera and holding a bone. A DOG sits in the foreground, looking disinterested and generally MANGY. KEYS dangle from his mouth. Come on, come and get it, come on. Here we go, look what I've got, come on...bit closer, bit closer... The DOG, bored, ambles off. JOHNNY continues to face the camera, waving the bone about. JOHNNY (cont.) Come on. Look at old Johnny. Look, a nice, juicy reference for you. Yes it is, yes, a big ol' reference. Look how clever we are! Come and get it, come on, you common, slavering hordes! There is a NOISE. JOHNNY drops to the floor as ORLANDO enters. You! Depp! Ay? I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like...no, hold on, I want to become a wizard and defeat He-Who-Must...wait, no, I think it's something or other about dyslexic dragons... Are you, by any chance, as the plucky-yet-terribly-naive hero, looking to team up with me, being the elder (though not by much, thank you) and considerably wiser man without whom you would be paddle-less up a particuarly dung-infested creek? Ay? Wherever did you get that idea from? Oh, must have read it somewhere. Once. Well, yes. I do, resentfully, need your help. Miss Knightley's been kidnapped by the pirates. Oh, so it is that you've found the only girl in the world who isn't a pirate yet! Good for you, but as to your offer, I'm afraid I'm disincarnate to aqueduct to your regress...or whatever. Damn that Rush and his sophistamacated diallage! ...What? You're trying to say you won't help? Yup. In case you've missed the dreads, the hat and the eyeliner, I'm a pirate, capeesh? I see no profit in it for me. I can get you out of here. How's that? We're only allowed one Prison Dog reference per movie. I'm a blacksmith! I can use my unique powers to help you escape! Observe: He strikes a pose, and pulls out a book (The BLACKSMITHONOMICON) from a pocket, and begins to recite an incantation: Blacksmithius et legendiumus avec moi Doorus expelliarmus instantaneous Open sesame and alakazam, Klaatu barada nikto! The doors EXPLODE in an EXPLOSION of MAGICAL EXPLOSIVENESS. Wow. Who'd've thought a blacksmith would be this useful? And that display of blacksmithery randomly leads me to believe you're the son of an old pirate friend of mine, who, as I said, was a pirate, and not a blacksmith. But still, I'm totally convinced you're related on that basis. Great. I'm low on mana. We'd better get out of here. Not without my effects! Gotta top up on the old eyeliner. How is that essential out on the open water? All part of the character, mate. [sigh] Where's a Gandalf when you need one? CUT TO: The DOCKS, where JOHNNY is about to stage a SWASHBUCKLING ACTION SEQUENCE! Okay, so we're going to take over Big-Ass Ship over there, thusly distracting the entire Royal Navy long enough for us to piss off into the sunset with the Interceptor, in a sequence so swashbucklingly brilliant it's going to be used twice before this trilogy's out! Whatever you say. I'm just here for the booty, remember. Gotcha. The SWASHBUCKLING PLAN commences. JOHNNY and ORLANDO climb aboard the BIG-ASS SHIP with pistols drawn. GILLETTE is on board. Gentlemen, we are taking over this ship! Aye, [generic pirate slang]! The CREW fall about laughing. You morons! This ship can't be crewed by two men. You'll never make it out of the bay! JOHNNY aims his pistol between GILLETTE's eyes. Kiddo, I'm Captain Johnny Depp. Capeesh? Lawks! My buckle has been well and truly swashed! We find DAVENPORT at the dock with LIEUTENANT ELLIS. Tum-te-tum, what a pleasant stoll I'm having on the dock. I'm sure absolutely nothing can go wrong-- There is much ADO from a longboat off the harbor. GILLETTE appears to be shouting something. DAVENPORT peers through a magical SPYGLASS that allows him to hear the distant man. Sir! Depp and Bloom! They've taken the Big-Ass Ship! We've been both swashed and buckled, sir! Bloom, your blacksmithery is trying my patience! DAVENPORT and his men quickly board the BIG-ASS SHIP just as JOHNNY and ORLANDO leg it over to the INTERCEPTOR. They cut the ropes tying the ships together, and sail away. JOHNNY calls back as DAVENPORT notices their departure. Cheers, mate! Glad we can count on you bumbling Brits to fumble everything! Wipe that American grin off his face! Get them in range of the long nines! ...The what-nows, sir? [sigh] The cannons! Get them in range of the cannons! Oh, right-ho. Russel Crowe, get after the Interceptor. RUSSEL CROWE is apparently standing at the helm. 'E's disabled the big wheely thing, sir! Well, it was lucky those swashbuckling pirates allowed us to escape in a longboat. Heavens, it was certainly a close shave for Gillette! *Rimshot* Perhaps fortunately for the comedy world, the BIG-ASS SHIP, unable to steer, smashes the longboat to pieces. On board... I'm in love with Johnny Depp. So, it would seem, is everyone around here. This is TRUE.
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