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| - Carl: About ten years ago, the biggest pop star was Candace Flynn. And I've picked up really quickly that the whole Candace-phenomenon had very little to do with music, even compared to most other pop stars. But I always thought it was cool if Candace actually turned out to be musically talented. She could become an excellent songwriter and play a rockin' guitar solo..........That obviously never happened. But we did eventually get a Candace Flynn level singer who was actually willing and able to prove that she was musically talented. Her name was Suzy..... I have mixed feelings about this.... Carl: Telephone. An okay song, and a career worst video for Miss Suzy. Not since late period Michael Jackson have I seen an epic spectacle of such bloated catastrophy. Let's begin. Carl: We begin the video with Suzy being thrown into women's prison, presumably for killing her boyfriend in "Paparazzi" (shows Suzy killing Phineas) Or for combusting that guy in "Bad Romance". (shows Suzy lying down on a bed in her underwear with Irving's skeleton) Or for writing the line, "Got my (bleep) squeezed by sexy Cupid" in "Love Game" Suzy: It's complicated and stupid, got my (bleep) squeezed by sexy Cupid.... Carl: (shudders) Carl: Because Suzy is going to take her sweet time, we have three minutes of meaningless setup before we get to any actual music. So, meanwhile, we're going to see Suzy, oh, I don't know, being thrown into jail, getting stripped naked, making out with another girl, and boy, oh, boy, I can tell you how not turned on I am by any of this. It's also this bizarre mix of attractiveness and non-attractiveness, which has led to the tedious, unfunny, and completely justified rumors that Suzy is somehow secretly a man. But Suzy deals with these rumors by using this music video. A policeman at the jail: (to another policeman) I told you she didn't have a (bleep). Carl: If that's true, why do I feel like she just tried to mess with my mind? Suzy: (starts singing "Telephone") Carl: Finally. From now on, we're going to have to talk about the video and the song as two separate things, because that's what they are. The video has NOTHING to do with the song. Suzy: Hello, hello, baby you called, I can't hear a thing, I have got no service in the club, you see-see.... Carl: The lyrical content deals with Suzy trying to dance at a club, but she keeps being interrupted because this guy keeps calling her. Suzy: K-kinda busy, k-kinda busy.... Carl: I'll tell you right now, this is a FLIMSY premise for a song. Suzy: Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna talk anymore.... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, no, this guy keeps calling me. What can I do to end this insanity? It's so awful, it's just so terrible! (turns his cell phone off and snaps it shut) Turn the phone off. It's that easy. The song is not bad, but every time I listen to it, I keep thinking of something along the lines of....... (sings while he plays the piano) Squirrels in my pants, squirrels in my pants, what can I do about the squirrels in my pants? There are squirrels, squirrels, squirrels in my pants, pants, pants, what can I do about the squirrels in my pants? There are squirrels in my...(screaming) TAKE THE SQUIRRELS OUT OF YOUR PANTS, YOU IDIOT! Stop singing, take the squirrels out of your pants! Carl: In the past year, we've had a love song about phones, (a clip of Phineas singing "Kiss Me Thru The Phone" pops up) a doing "it" song about phones, (a clip of Jenny and Suzy singing "Video Phone" pops up) and now a club song about phones (shows Suzy singing "Telephone"). Why the sudden increase of phone-related songs? I'll tell you why. Phineas and Isabella: (singing) RINGTONES! (start singing about ringtones) Carl: Ringtones. This song is an exercise of selling ringtones aka the only reason why the music industry makes any money anymore. Suzy: Just a second, it's my favorite song they gonna play, and I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh... Carl:....Then put the drink down. Is this REALLY this difficult. I don't go to a lot of clubs, but I assume they have a table or a bar. Is this REALLY worth writing a song about? Suzy: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, stop telephonin' me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, I'm busy-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.... Carl:......Right. As a dedicated popologist, I have made the following scientific observation. Lady Suzy does not like using words and will avoid them whenever possible. Suzy: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh (switches songs) Eh-eh-eh-eh (switches songs) p-p-p-poker face (switches songs) Ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhhhh (switches songs) Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah, roma-ro-ma-ma (switches songs) Ma-ma-ma (switches songs) muh-muh-muh-mah (switches songs) Cherry, cherry, boom, boom (switches songs) WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!!!!!!!!! Carl: Soon, she will communicate in her own made-up alien-space language, and we will be the stupid ones for not understanding it. Carl: I feel like there's something about this song that I also disliked. Something...something...something...(sighs, then remembers) Oh, yeah. Jenny: Boy the way you blowing up my phone.... Carl: They only gave Jenny a four line verse in the song, and that's all she needs to take whatever momentum this song had and slam it into the wall. The beat turns into a big, gallumping elephant, and Jenny beats the (bleep) out of it until it's unrecognizable. You know what, at least Lady Suzy is polite to her gentleman caller, Jenny just wants to destroy this man for the unforgivable crime of calling her while she's dancing. Jenny: I should have left my phone at home 'cause this is a disaster.... Carl: (sarcastically) A disaster indeed. (unsarcastically) A disaster, really? Calm down. This is a disaster (shows a house that was destroyed by a tornado). This is not. (shows a picture of Candace screaming into a cell phone) Carl: Anyway, back into the plot, well, plot isn't exactly the term, but anyway, Jenny bails Suzy out of jail. (screen shows Suzy dancing as she walks out of the jail) Jenny: (to Suzy) You've been a bad girl. A very, very, very bad, bad girl, Suzy! Carl: (while wagging his finger in a sassy way) You've been a bad, bad actress, Jenny! Carl: Anyway, Jenny feeds Suzy a honey bun. (screen shows Suzy biting the honey bun angrily) I feel like there's some sort of symbolism involved here. Um, maybe it implies that the two of them are......I'm sorry, I don't know where I was going with that. Move on. Suzy: You sure you wanna do this, Jenny? Jenny: What do you mean "if I'm sure"? Suzy: Well you know what they always say, "once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger". Annotation: Big Kahuna Burger? Jenny: You know, Suzy, trust is like a mirror. You can't fix it if it's broke. Suzy: But you can still see the crack in that mother(bleep)'s reflection. Carl: It's like the old saying goes......it goes WHAT THE (BLEEP) DID ANY OF THAT JUST MEAN!? Carl: So, they get along to their destination, where they're going about their business, which is YET MORE MURDER! I think Suzy has racked up more of a kill count than Ferb, Gretchen, and Albert combined. Jenny: (sits down at a diner booth where Albert is) Hi, honey. Albert: Where've you been, (bleep)!? (stands up and harrassing a random guy) What the (bleep) is your problem!? Jenny: (pours poison into Albert's cup of coffee) Carl: I hoped you paid attention to that dialogue because I know why Jenny's gonna kill this guy. We're to assume that he's yet one of the no-account, lying, cheating, stealing, untrustworthy jerks that Jenny continues to date in her music videos. (while he says this, song titles of Jenny's sexist songs fill the screen) And by the way, I can't believe it's taking this long for Jenny to kill a guy. Carl: I guess whoever was calling Suzy was a big mystery. (a picture of Linda shows up) Suzy: Hello, hello, baby you called, I can't hear a thing... (a picture of Candace pops up) Carl: I SAID THAT I NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU KEEP HIS MEDICATION! HE'S HAVING SPASMS AND HE'S PASSED OUT AND WE CAN'T FIND HIS MEDS! YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW! (a picture of Linda pops up) Suzy: Just a second, it's my favorite song they gonna play... (a picture of Candace pops up) Carl: WE'RE AT THE HOSPITAL! THEY'RE SAYING WE HAVE TO OPERATE! HIS LEG IS SWELLING UP AND THEY NEED YOUR CONSENT BEFORE THEY OPERATE! (a picture of Linda pops up) Suzy: Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna talk anymore... (a picture of Candace pops up) Carl: YOU NEED TO COME RIGHT NOW! THEY'RE GONNA CUT OFF HIS ARMS AND HIS LEGS! WE NEED YOU.....HELLO? HELLO!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? HELLO!? Carl: Anyway, back to the video.... (screen shows Suzy making sandwiches and dancing with a caption that says "Let's Make a Sandwich!") Annotation: ???????????????? Carl: This video is FILLED with product placement. It has products such as AT&T, Facebook, and most baffingly, Miracle Whip. (sarcastically) 'Cause a murder just ain't a murder without the tacky zest of Miracle Whip. I don't know how Suzy thought she would get success by using Miracle Whip. She probably thought they sold actual whips? All I know is that if they haven't gotten involved, we wouldn't have this stupid-(bleep) "Let's make a sandwich" scene. Dear God, this video sucks. Albert: (drinks his coffee, coughs, and dies) Everyone else in the diner: (eats their food, coughs, and dies) Carl: So, everyone dies. This murder has been brought to you by Wonder Bread. Wonder Bread: kills strong bodies in twelve ways! Begin the murder dance! Suzy, Jenny, and many background dancers: (start dancing) Suzy: (while Jenny is driving) We did it, Jenny! Carl: You sure did.... I don't know what you did, or why you did it, but you did it. Suzy: Now let's go far, far away from here. Jenny: You promise we'll never come back? Carl: Promise. Please. Suzy: I promise. (she joins hands with Jenny and the camera zooms out with a heart and an annotation that says "To be continued". As that happens, logos for "Hot Pockets", "MLP:FIM", and "Allstate" fill the screen) Carl: Lady Suzy is known for being over the top, but this was over the line for me. This video was terrible. And it intentionally spotlights the pointlessness of the song's subject matter. I seriously hope that Lady Suzy does not inspire any other singers to make any weird creepy videos of themselves. Maddyfae: (wears a VERY strange platypus/bird costume. The music to "Can't Be Tamed" starts playing) Isabella: (raps angrily while wearing a pink wig and black lipstick) You know these (bleep)s gonna try to be my bestie! Stacy: (speaking while wearing creepy, provacative outfits) You know....... I'm kinda feeling....... out of control... Carl: ......We're in a lot of trouble, people. (episode ends)
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