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| - Journey to an overwhelmingly vast and polish land where Gerald is Geralt, Jennifer is Yennefer and the locals are covered in charming Eastern European prison tattoos. Become a Witcher, which is confusingly different from being a witch or witch hunter but is basically just a fancy Orkin-Man. Thrill as you haggle with their poor villagers over how much it will cost to safe them from unspeakable horrors. Then rob their crumbling shanties blind once they paid up. Woohoo goat hide! *Geralt finds Goat Hide in the game* It's the second most dangerous profession in the kingdom. Right behind bouncer trying to keep you from entering a building. Geralt: "All right." *Geralt slaughters them afterwards* Take control of Geralt a whirling dance of death while in combat and an impossible to control spaz when you trying to open a chest or pick some flowers. Use his finely tuned Witcher senses to locate stuff you could easily find with your normal senses. Like bloodstains, dead bodies and shoes. Just take your mini-map dude. Get ready for the monster-hunter-game Capcom wishes they made as you take down griffins, trolls and wraiths in epic fun to play battles. After hours of tedious potion, oil and spell preparation. That's as fun as making lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet. Set out on an epic quest to safe Ciri, a princess who is always in another castle. Full of though moral choices that will result in innocent deaths no matter which option you pick. Like Game of Thrones ever were choose your own adventure book. Then completely ignore the main quest as you take on more pressing matters like escorting a goat, snowball fights and helping an old woman find her missing pan. Damn it; I'm a Witcher not a panner! Stop wasting my time! But it will all be worth it when you finally take on the Swedish death metal album art known as the Wild Hunt. In an ending so final in its endingness, gamers will unanimously agree that's totally how the game ends... Yeah.. Ah we haven't been there either. Role play as a man who is not just a freak but also a super freak. *plays Super Freak from Rick James* As the latest installment of this X-rated dating Sim doesn't disappoint. Full of bewbs! Bewbs! BEWBS! And dangly old water hag bewbs. Kill it! Kill it with Igni! The developer heard you liked games so they put a game in your game so you could game while you game with Gwent, a card game featuring images of characters from the game you're currently playing outside of that card game. Gameception. *plays Inception horn sound effect* So dive into a franchise whose biggest flaw is having to quit your job or drop out of school to experience it all. From the real-time beard growth to the beautifully rendered areolis to the stunning vistas that will absolutely take your breath aw... *Geralt falls down a cliff and dies* Oh no... I haven't saved in like four hours. Starring: The Glitcher, Trisstan Dunst, Yennifer Love Hewitt, Robert Baratheon, Ciriously where the f!@k did you go?!!, Sauron and The View The Guy With Two Swords 3: Helen Hunt Anyone else notice that Roach is pretty much a teleporting demon horse? Uaahh!
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